by sharon

my mum passed away 3 weeks ago and I miss her so much. I am crying every day as I still cannot believe that she has gone and that I will never see her smiley face ever again. She had been battling cancer for a year, and last summer she was doing so well with her radiotherapy and chemo that we thought she would be ok. All I keep seeing is her sad face in hospital and how scared she was. I am so distressed when I think about how she was probably told there was no more that could be done for her, and she kept it to herself so as not to worry us. The night before she died she was in so much pain and distress, and she kept reaching out for my hand to hold, and I held her hand all through the night until she died the next day. I just cannot stop seeing her scared face in my head, and hearing her saying to me that she couldnt go on like this and telling me she was going to die in there. I felt so helpless then, and feel distraught now when I think of what she must have gone through. I find it hard to manage a smile, and to concentrate with work and everyday things. My life will never be the same again

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Aug 03, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Sharon I am so sorry for your loss of your mum. I live in England also. I know exactly how you are feeling. My husband Steve had a rare and serious form of lung cancer caused by working with asbestos, Steve's cancer was inoperable, incurable, and aggressive. He had Chemo x 6 Radiotherapy x10 and a second Chemo x4. Steve was very ill throughout the whole of the cancer which lasted 3yrs.39days. Steve died 12 weeks ago tomorrow and we were married 44yrs.
It is the most painfull experience to nurse a loved one and watch them slowly die. The light had gone out of Steve's eyes. Steve was in so much pain he wanted to die long before he did. One time his pain was so bad I was screaming down the phone for a doctor to come and give Steve an injection for the pain and they took 3hours they had to finish clinic first. How ridiculous is that. This is the health service in England now. It is going downhill daily. Steve couldn't get the syringe driver in to control the pain because the Primary Care Trust couldn't pay for it. One doctor on the phone was angry with our GP. saying that this is outrageous to leave a terminally ill patient in pain. He drafted a serious email to our GP and he actioned the syringe driver in the morning. The macmillan nurse wouldn't give this to Steve even when it was actioned. She wanted to wait. They put the syringe driver in on the day he died. Our macmillan nurse said to Steve see you in 2 weeks. She came 2 months later. I was just about to write to my MP. but the community nurses intervened to get me a nurse within the week. I can't get the painfull images of my dying husband out of my mind. We had bad experiences but it would take too long to post and I wouldn't be able to get it all in. Know that you are not alone. Our grief journey is very painfull and hard to go through. I am still angry with the health authorities. They let us down badly. Our lives will never be the same again. Only Time will heal us. However long this is.

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