Shattered Glass

by Kathy T
(Jacksonville, FL, USA)

Shattered glass is the best way for me to describe how I feel. On June 23, 2013 I lost the love of my life. He had terrible insomnia and had not slept the night before so he laid down to take a nap while I went to the grocery store. I was gone maybe 90 minutes. I came home and he was. Just that quickly. My heart is broken. I can't seem to do anything except cry. I talk to him, I talk to God but there in lessening of this pain. Everyday as I drive home I cry, I come up the steps, I open the door, I cry. It's so empty here.

I have support from my brother and some friends. They have no clue how bad it really is. His family was always distant with him, so I am treated the same.

I never had a problem sleeping, now I wake up every hour all night. I haven't turned on the stove, I haven't cleaned, I haven't done a whole lot of anything.

After reading many of the writings it gave me some comfort to know there are other people who do understand.

Comments for Shattered Glass

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Jan 18, 2014
also shattered
by: Courtney

I cry in the car too. I lost my husband not quite 2 months ago. It was sudden. He also had insomnia and some depression, but on top of it, he had really bad sleep apnea. He put me in bed one night and then never came to bed. I found him the next morning - he had fallen and hit his head (I think he fell asleep standing up), and then for whatever reason stopped breathing. I know that he didn't suffer, but it doesn't make the loss less real for me. I truly feel like half of a person. Do you feel that way? I know that every person's story is different, but losing the love of your life at such a young age is just unthinkable (we were both 31). Live goes on, even if we don't want it to. The nights are the hardest for me - the time we would be spending together. I understand your pain.

Nov 12, 2013
Broken Heart
by: Joanne

Reading all your comments are like telling my own story as well.My heart is breaking for all of you, and I'm so very sorry for your losses. I lost the love of my life 9/19/13 suddenly from a massage heart attack. He hugged and kissed me goodbye and left for work, and never came home again. I still wait for him and cry all the time. All the time is is a struggle, but nights are terrible. There are times I just want to scream, "COME HOME". My kids and grandkids are my only reason to go on right now, and I will. This month and a half has been the more tragic time a person can ever go through. I miss him every second of the day. One breath, or heartbeat at a time is how I go on. I never got to say GOODBYE and I love you one last time. This site is what I have been looking for. I read and read all the time to try to make sense if this. I could write on and on but I wont because you all know how I am feeling. Thank you all for your kind words, God Bless you.

Oct 15, 2013
I understand your pain.
by: Travis Redmond

I lost my wife June 25th (2013) and buried her just a few days before my youngest son's birthday. Everything was average in our life and tragedies only happened to other people. We lived in a bubble with just your every day problems. We were married for almost 19 years and then in 2012 our lives changed forever. The cancer struck and finally death over came after a long battle. Shattered Glass is a good description. I'm tired of people telling me to move on or get over it. The depression and despair is unreal. The first few weeks were adrenaline and shock. After that reality hits really hard and then the despair. Most people who was going to be there for me disappeared after the day of the funeral. You are then left all alone. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and quit living myself, but my kids (teenagers) keep telling me, I have to be strong for them. As for the crying, I have to try to find a place to be alone. Memories come and the tears flow. I still try to buy groceries she likes or do things she liked, it's still in me to do so. Anyways the best of luck to you and may God grant you peace.

Sep 20, 2013
Shattered Glass continued
by: Kathy T

We finally were able to bury my love's ashes this week. I thought maybe I would get some sense of closure after 12 weeks of waiting. Now I sit in front of his grave and talk to him. I tell him I am not handling this, I tell him I don't know how. I feel this compelling need to go there. I really think I may be crazy. I hear his voice in my head and I truly don't know if it is my imagination or his spirit trying to help me. I am so sad all the time. I guess I keep thinking it is going to get better even a little better but thus far it seems to be getting worse.

Sep 15, 2013
It is always the same
by: Doreen U.K.

Kathy I know at times you feel you can't function and that "You can't do this." You may be pushing yourself too hard with work and bill paying etc. You say you are crying all the way to work and back so at least you are grieving. Don't get so busy that you don't grieve your loss otherwise it will be harder and take longer to go through your grief journey. Don't look at the big picture otherwise it will swallow you up and you will feel the MOUNTAIN, and wonder how you will climb it. You can do it! but only by TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. You will then look back and see how far you have come. Don't get overtired. Take time to NURTURE YOURSELF. This is the secret to COPING with OUR GRIEF. We are here to pick each other up when having down days. Best wishes.

Sep 14, 2013
for all who have lived with shattered glass
by: silver

I have been keeping up with this post.All of the letters say exactly how we all feel.Life goes on whether we are ready for it or not.I,personally, can't believe it's been over 2 yrs since my love left me alone on this earth.I think others stop coming over,calling,checking on us,etc. is because they don't understand how devastating this particular loss is.I sent on my mother,father,friend of 28 yrs,my youngest sister,and 2 grandchildren. None of them was as devastating as sending on the love of my life.I thank GOD each day that I had 3yrs of friendship and 33 yrs of marriage to remember.I am 65 and my health is not as good.Luckily,my youngest son lives with me and helps me.My other sons help when they can.There is a poem I found that helps me cope.I read it often.It often makes me cry but it helps me to go on.It's called, "When Tomorrow Starts Without Me".It's on the poetry site here.I wish I could send a magic pill to all of us to stop the severe grief this brings but there is no such thing.Maybe with good reason.We need to go through grief and come out the other side to be able to help others who have need of someone who REALLY KNOWS how they feel.GOD bless all of you.I keep us all in my prayers.

Sep 10, 2013
to Shattered glass and all who post on this site
by: Anonymous--MI

When my husband of 43 yrs died last Nov 2012 my life fell apart and is still apart. My grief is worse in some ways than at first. I think as time passes we begin to realize just what we have really lost and that it feels hopeless that life can ever be happy again. My happiness comes from my grown children and their mates and my grandkids. When I am with them I know they do not expect me to be happy or upbeat unless I really am feeling that way. Others, who have not suffered a loss as we all have cannot understand how it really feels. As many of you have written this also. some days I am so tired and weary of fighting this grief and 'trying to find a new way to live' without my dear husband. I cry and let the tears flow when I am alone. I have to or I think I would lose my sanity. I believe that God is our only way to happiness and that is heaven and being with our loved ones again. As for me, I have no doubt that my husband and I will see each other one day with new bodies and new lives that are everlasting. This is my only hope that keeps me going day to day. I feel so sad for all who post here with such sorrow in their lives--we are all feeling the same and I pray for all of us to have some comfort and peace from God to sustain us.

Sep 09, 2013
by: Sympathies

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am two months into the grieving process as well, losing also the love of my life. Our society (for some odd reason) compeltely shies away from death and coping with it. This was my biggest problem- no one told me what this was like. How was I to know? It is crucial that you have found sites like this where people here are open and willing to talk and help. It feels good to help other people. Whenever I feel helpless, I help someone. A little clarity starts to settle in, and on good days, relief. Life is not going to be the same and that is something you must also mourn. And mourn til you cannot mourn anymore. I do not like ANYBODY tell me when I can and cannot cry and how long is "normal" to grief. It has to come out. Just take deep breaths when you feel like you cannot take anymore, and remind yourself you are doing a great job. You know your loved one hates seeing you in such pain and would want you to restore happiness one day. Let them be your guide and inspiration to keep going. They, and we all here, believe in you.

Sep 08, 2013
It is always the same
by: Kathy

Thank you for being so kind. I wish I could just curl up on the bed and stay there. But I have responsibiities which I guess helps somehow. I have a business to run and bills to pay but I have to tell you that I couldn't begin to describe the last eleven weeks. I go to work, I come home. I don't remember any of it, I ust do it. I cry all the way to work and cry all the way home. I just can't seem to function. I hear Kevin, I see him, and yet he isn't here.
Sometimes I think I am going crazy. The tears never end, this heavy sadness won't go away. Sometimes t scares me.
I really don't know how I am going to do this. I don't know if I can. Nothing has ever felt like this.

Sep 08, 2013
Shattered glass
by: silver

Dear Kathy,what a great title. What others,who haven't gone through this, don't know how apt these two words are.Your life is totally changed forever.You life sounds just like mine did for the first couple months after my husband died.I slept most of the time.I didn't even get out of my nightgown unless I had to.I didn't clean unless I had to.I ate sporadically and usually junk that I didn't have to cook.I didn't go out unless I had to.The house is so empty,even when others are there. I still have those split seconds when I expect him to be there and it's been over 2 yrs for me. No one can know the grief we feel until they have to go through it.Our other half is gone.I hope my sons don't know it until I'm gone.I'm not sure I could handle it.Continue to come to this site.It has really helped to know that others feel exactly how I feel.That I'm not stupid,or weird.That I don't have to "get over it already."You don't get over it.My darling husband used to say,"It doesn't go away,it just gets easier." I cling to that phrase.It does get easier.I don't cry everyday, or as hard, or as long as I used to.I clean some each day.(Not as much as I need to probably--lol)I am beginning to live again.I know I will see him again one day and I look forward to that day.GOD send you strength and peace.I keep all of us in my prayers.

Sep 08, 2013
It's not the same for everyone
by: Kristina


You said "All I can tell you is that little by little, Life will start to pick you up. You will find little things happening in you, desires to do normal things again."

I hope it is that way for you. I hope it is that way for Kathy T. But it is NOT that way for everyone -- it is definitely not that way for me. It is almost exactly one year now since my husband died of a completely unexpected heart attack, and I feel at least as bad now as I did then, possibly worse. I desire nothing from life, I don't desire life at all. I desire death, and to be with my husband again.

Sep 08, 2013
by: lawrence

There is nothing I can say to help you that hasn’t been said so well by Doreen and Sanscoeur.I know the absolute heartache you are going through, the feeling that life isn’t just worth living and the spontaneous tears, but you are in the very early stage of your grief and although you can’t believe it at present it will get better. There is a natural time limit on grief although how long that will be is another thing.
I am in the eighth month of my own devastating loss, my wife died in the blink of an eye as we were talking and the shock needless to say was shattering and it is a sight I will never forget.
We were childhood sweethearts and had been together for nearly seventy years, it was a wonderful passionate love affair and quite honestly I didn’t want to live without her
The reason I am sending this is the fact I am still here and trying to get on with my life as you one day must.
I must admit I still cry very easily and I miss her incredibly.
Don’t expect anybody to understand how you feel, they may say they do but you have to experience the loss of a loving partner to know the horror and anguish, believe me you will never feel as bad again in your life as you do now.
Everything I have written is of no consolation, and I wish I could find the words to give you some,, but as an author myself, there are no such words to be found.
All I can say is keep yourself busy and get out of the house as much as you can, like me you will never get used to coming back to an empty house.
Look after yourself, it will soon be time to start sweeping up the shattered glass.
Return to this website soon and let us know how you are doing.

Sep 08, 2013
Feel your pain
by: Anonymous

Shattered Glass is a great way to put it. When I lost my Dad suddenly in January, I felt like my whole world had just exploded, and I was left standing here. I now know that nothing is guaranteed in this life, and just when things get comfortable and safe, it can change. I'm not quite sure how I am still here. These past few months have been a complete blur. I force myself to get up and go about my day because I have children and a husband that need me, but inside, I have stopped. You are not alone in your grief. All of us here are experiencing the exact samenthing-some are farther along on their journey, and their words can really help guide you on yours. I wish you comfort and peace as you begin to heal. Barb

Sep 08, 2013
Dear Kathy
by: Judith in California

You are freshly shattered glass . It's only been a little over two months for your heartbreaking loss. This is the harest thing you'll ever do. Grief is the most horrific roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts. I ask god to give you strength to get to the peaceful acceptance side of this most devastating journey.
You will , in time,.
Please start journaling your thoughts write all you feel every day for at least a year. This helped ne a lot . Then I re-read the journal every three months to see how I changed. I saw a difference and I learned to cope with my "New Normal". That's what it becomes. For me there will always be a void in my heart and a longing for US. It's been 1 week shy of 3 years for me. I cry less but will always have a grief corner in me.

And no one will understand your loss because they haven't gone through it yet. Forgive them their ignorance but look on them with disdain for thier lack of empathy towards you.

Please read all of the past post here to know you are not alone and to gain some insight as to waht you will experience on this journey.

God Bless.

Sep 08, 2013
Shattered Glass
by: Doreen U.K.

Kathy I am sorry for your loss of the love of your life. Grief is the hardest cross to bear. There is no medication for this pain. Crying is good because it is a healthy grief and this is where our healing comes from. Crying will be off and on and then stop and start again as triggers happen. Hearing a special song. Thinking of a special food he liked. or seeing photo's. It helps if you have supportive family and friends to help you through this. But honestly unless someone goes through this type of loss they won't have a clue how to support you. They may even think it is time you were over your grief. But it doesn't work this way. A person can grieve over months to years.
I lost my husband 16 months ago and I still have bad days of crying. But I always feel better after a good cry. This is where Our healing comes from through expressing this.
You will lose your motivation to do anything. You won't feel like engaging in life. You will feel your whole body aching as if you have been hit by a truck.
I took to the couch for months and did nothing. I only put food in the oven. I didn't clean the house until I felt like it. I bathed my sorrow with watching TV and sleeping. This was me NURTURING myself back into life. IT WORKED. I healed faster. I started then taking one or two jobs a day. If I couldn't manage this some days I didn't do these jobs. I then made priority lists and only did what was urgent and then ticked off all these jobs done and then added to the list. I took one day at a time. When I look back this worked well for me and I accomplished more from my grief. I kept busy when I needed to which was a good diversion, and I did nothing when I felt like this. This is all part of Nurturing yourself. You will get through this grief one day at a time. Losing a life partner is a very painful grief. You will wonder how you can go on in life. But we have no Choice. WE cannot alter what has happened to us. Take one day at a time this is the secret to coping with grief which is a slow healing process.

Sep 08, 2013
We do understand
by: SansCoeur

Kathy, you're right, we do understand. We are all members of a club that no-one would ever choose to join. I lost the love of my life to a sudden heart attack nearly a year ago. For the first 3 months I lived on junk food. I didn't want to do anything "normal". I was bruised, bloodied and broken (mentally), I felt like a disabled person. (Some days I still do.) I like your way of putting it, Shattered Glass. That's why my handle here is SansCoeur, in French it means Without a heart and that's exactly how I felt for the first few months. When his heart stopped he ripped mine out and took it with him. The first time I went to the mall I couldn't cope and had to just get the minimum and get out of there. Even my hearing was affected, I felt like I was wrapped in feet of cotton.

I have no idea why I'm still here, it's a miracle that any of us manage to carry on after such a loss. All I can tell you is that little by little, Life will start to pick you up. You will find little things happening in you, desires to do normal things again. It's a funny old thing, Life.

At 2 months you are very early on in your grief process. Allow it to take the time it wants to take and go where it needs to, grief is very wise and if you go with it you will come out the other side one day. Believe it. Your grief will teach you things about yourself, your lost one, Life. Allow yourself to learn these things, to have the insights, to be changed and matured by this experience (no matter your current age).

Around the 4th month I realised that grief is like a cocoon crossed with a cocktail shaker. When we come out of it we are very different from how we were before, but there is nothing remotely gentle about the process. While we're in it we're being shaken around, sometimes violently. It helped me to have this image, to accept the periods of turmoil for what they were. We are being taken apart so that we can be put back together and be better than before.

It breaks my heart to know that there are others going through where I have been this past year. I send you my very best wishes for your journey.

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