Shattered lives, never the same

by Liz P.

I am in and out of shock about the new reality I am in. I am grieving over 2 very close people in my immediate family. In Oct. 2011, my brother Sam (34 yrs young) was shot and killed in his own home. My brother Dan, (Sam's best friend) was witness to this horrible tragedy. The night that Sam died, Dan's life ended too because he lost his best friend and only brother. My brothers worked together, lived together and spent their whole lives side by side. Dan is in a deep depression and has lost his will to keep trying and living. He is suicidal and has survivors guilt. It is a complicated mess, how it happened. My sisters and I try to help support Dan and help him not lose hope for a life that is worth living. I am constantly worried and concerned that Dan will hurt himself and that life is just going to get worse. Dan is the youngest of 5 children in my family. Sam was only 2 years older than Dan and I am 2 years older than Sam. We have 2 older sisters. Sam and I were very close, I miss him terribly. I miss having our heart to heart talks and learning from each other. I always felt safe around Sam, he was a protector. I can't imagine my life and family without him here. I want my 3 kids to have their Uncle Sam here to teach them and joke with them. He was a fun guy to be around, life of the party. It feels like holidays and special occasions only remind me of the past and how much I miss those times. Life is forever changed and I am trying to learn how to adjust to the enormous loss of my brother. I feel awkward expressing myself to others about how much I miss him because I feel like people just don't understand this type of tragedy. It is unthinkable. How come this happened to my brother?, I wonder to myself. This is not at all like I imagined my life going. I am trying to adjust but I don't know how long it will take. It still feels like it happened yesterday. I have seen a psychic/medium several times and my brother came through and I believe that he is ok and has forgivin the people that killed him. He seems to be fine on other other side and I am comforted knowing that. It is all just so surreal. I accept that he is still with me in spirit still but it is a different way to relate with him and I can't visibly see or hear him anymore. The comfort from the medium sessions has helped but there is still a huge hole in my life without Sam.

10 months later Aug. 2012, my dear, beautiful Mom, Christine passed away from ovarian cancer. I lost 2 close family members in less than 1 year. My Mom was shattered after losing Sam. She suffered with ovarian cancer for 4 1/2 years before passing away with a slow, painful death. Her health declined even more after Sam's death. She lost her will to fight the cancer each day and fell into a depression and wished secretly that she would pass away and be without pain and suffering and reunite with her beloved son, Sam. When we buried Sam, she wanted to climb into the casket with him but she would not tell us that, we all know she felt it though. My Mom continued to fight and stay strong even though she knew her health was declining. She felt guilty knowing that she would probably die soon and that she would have to leave us. She knew we were all heartbroken from losing Sam and she held on as long as she possibly could but had to let go. We wanted her to be free of pain and suffering. My brother Dan, 2 sisters and I waited and watched her pass away in my sisters home on hospice. It was the most horrific and awful experience that I have ever witnessed happen in front of me. I have these sad and terrible images run through my head of my Mom withering away in front of us. I miss her so much. I wish I could hug her and talk with her again. She was one of my best friends. I have learned so much from her. She has been an inspiration to me in so many ways. I wish I could call her on the phone and hear her voice. I moved out of state 3 1/2 years ago and have not been able to see my Mom much at all during that time. I'm so sad that I didn't have more time with her. She was only 62 years young. She had a lot to live for. Even though she was depressed over her illness and suffering, she still had dreams and I wished she could live longer to enjoy her children and grandchildren. We all miss her and her thoughtful ways. She has such a sweet, precious, beautiful spirit. I feel so sad for the hardships that she had to endure. She deserved all the best and wonderful things that life could offer. I feel angry and sad that she had to pass away the way she did. It is hard and unimaginable for me to picture my life without my Mom and brother. It feels like life is just getting worse and that people I love are inevitably going to just keep dying. How can I be looking forward to life when I know there will be a lot more pain and loss ahead?

Thank you for listening and giving me a safe place to share my grief.

Liz P.

Comments for Shattered lives, never the same

Click here to add your own comments

Feb 05, 2013
Shattered live, never the same
by: Doreen U.K

Liz I am sorry for your loss of your brother Sam to a sudden death and also your mom who died slowly of a painful death. You need to see a grief counsellor since your brother died a sudden death. This will enable you with support to grieve each loss separately and fully. The sad fact is that we are going to lose more people from our families and we all hope we will go first to spare ourselves the awful pain of this. The worst pain ever. The type of death affects our grief which is why it is good to see a grief counsellor. I would feel the same as you if I lost one of my siblings. Sadly I lost my Mom 9 years ago but I lost my husband of 44yrs. 10 months ago to a deadly cancer caused by working with asbestos and he died a slow painful death over 3yrs. I nursed him and it was the saddest thing I have ever had to do. To see the man I had loved for over 47yrs die a slow painful death. Pick his fragile body off a bed and put him on the commode and wash him. This tender care now gone. A beautiful man inside and out and a great loss to me and our whole family. He is not here to teach his grandson carpentry and so pass on his skills to him. This is the very worst thing that could happen to me. Life will never be the same again for any of us. My husband probably suffered in the same way as your mom so I can empathise with you and what you are going through. The sad fact that is even if we can comfort one another we still go through our own grief journey of pain and loss. Our battle is hard and painful and we will never get our life back as it was. Change is difficult at any time, but going on in life without a brother or a mom is going to be hard. I wish you comfort and peace in your sorrow. I hope that with the aid of a grief counsellor you will find that your pain is getting less over time and you find life more manageable.

Feb 04, 2013
me too
by: Anonymous

Reading this makes me so sad. My beautiful precious mother died a year and a half ago of ovarian cancer. Thirteen days after being diagnosed with it. I am an only child and unmarried my parents were my life. Now 2/3's of my family is dead. My father having died of cancer ten years ago. My mother became so reclusive after his death......she never left our home unless to go to church or the cemetary. She lived for me and would wait at the door for me to arrive home from work each night. Such a gentle caring soul......she had such a horrible painful death. I never left her room i held her hand the whole 13 days she was in the hospital. What did she ever do in her life to have to suffer this was. I would have traded places with her in a second. I think the pain I am in is living hell. We were good people never hurt a soul...always tried to help!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I being punished for where was and is GOD. I prayed with all my heart and soul to please save her....My mother's biggest fear was leaving me alone but I never expected it to be so soon and I never expected it to hurt this much. I am now on antidepressants and anti anxiety medications. I just miss her so much and to watch somebody suffer so much and not be able to help them is a feeling and vision that haunts me 24 hours a day. How can she really be gone. Where is she? Does heaven that I used to believe in so strongly really exist or is this it. People keep saying you have to go on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I hear that one more time I am going to scream. This new reality just sucks.....we did not even have time for last words.....she just had horrible pain that even up to the end she was trying to hide to protect me as she had done my entire life.It would have been easier having crappy parents maybe i would not miss them so much. They loved me so much supported me in so many ways, my fan club, my greatest advocates.....gone

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Multiple Losses.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!