She comitted suicide by driving head first into a semi truck

I don't know if anyone actually reads these things, and im not sure if i even need to be doing this, but here we go, My name is josh lowes, I am 18 years old
my mom was bipolar and skitzofrenic, and she the most depressed person I ever met. She moved away to bc while I lived in montreal alone at the age of 16, she hadn't seen me or my brother for over 2 years, and all I know is she stopped taking her meds, and ended up driving head first into a semi truck, so far I feel slight depression, but Im usually chronically depressed, I feel almost a sense of grief,
but there's still something about it that trips me out,
maybe its the way she died, could be the simple fact that it's my mother, im not sure what it is,
Also my eyes has only watered up, I have not cried,
I don't think im in denial either,
I'm just wondering if I'm actually taking it well, or if im just bottling it for a bit
I basicaly dont know how I should be feeling,

if you got advice or anything to say thats not disrespectful, please comment

Comments for She comitted suicide by driving head first into a semi truck

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May 23, 2012
Your Pain-my pain
by: Anonymous

My son was 37 yrs. old, and hung himself three yrs. ago. We can only forgive them because they were in pain, and needed to leave. Don't be angry at her, just remember they left us, why, we will never know, but sometimes we have to ask ourelves one question. Would they have done this if they weren't in some kind of pain?? I miss him so, and we have to remember that they see how very very sad we are, and they must finally know that no matter what they did, our love for them is everlasting. Be strong, you're still so young, and we will never get over this, but we must try to get thru it.

May 21, 2012
She committted suicide
by: Anonymous

She committed suicide
I can only tell you that it does not matter how your Mom leaves this world it is a very painful event. I am very sorry that at your young age you have to endure this tragic event. All I can tell you, reach out seek help, and you took the first step. Keep going and seek all the help you can get so you and your brother can heal and move forward with your yet young lives.
may God Bless you both and give the strength to move forward and find comfort.

May 21, 2012
You're not alone!
by: Anonymous

My son put a gun through his heart after his wife found out that he was with another woman. Be kind to yourself, it takes a long time. It has been over 2 years for me and I barely feel like doing much except studying.

May 21, 2012
Sorry about your Mom
by: Wendy

Josh, my condolences regarding your Mother. You have endured a great deal for your young years. Do you have a support network around you? My Father died when I was 14 years old. I recall being stuck, emotionally, for a very long time. Mostly anger. I hope you have trusted advisors in your family or circle of friends.

Again, so sorry for your loss.

May 21, 2012
I'm sorry
by: momma anne

Hi yes people do actually read these things. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, I can not explain grief except to say we all deal with it differently. Maybe in a way you see your mom is no longer struggling with her depression, schizophrenia, and pain. I'm not saying in no way are you glad she is gone, she was your mom and loved you. It may hit you hard one day that she is gone and then all the tears, anger, pain will come out or you may never experience that. I have not lost my mom but, I did lose my 3 year old grandson in Jan. the pain is so intense at times and the anger is out of this world but, I know I must go on for my children and my grandsons daddy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs and much love, Ann

May 21, 2012
Your loss
by: Debi

Josh - I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. You and your family have been through so much - I wish you comfort and peace in the days ahead.


May 21, 2012
Mixed Feelings
by: Judith in California

Josh, I'm so sorry for you and your brother. First it's alright to feel however you really feel. Your system may be in shock right now from first reaction. It's hard when our parents are emotionally ill and we can't make them better. It's not your fault she just was not prepared to care for you and your brother. I'm sure she loved you in her fashion. You will cry at some point. The mixed feelings you're having is kind of like what I had about my mother who wasn't in my life since I was 5. We saw each other 7 times over my 60 years of life and when she died I felt sad for the life we could have had had things been different but I did not grieve and cry a lot at all because we just didn't really have the love that comes form a lifetime of closeness and caring.

Each person must deal with their loss their way. There is no right or wrong way.

May God bless you and help you to get to the peaceful palce you want to be. He is there for you to talk with.

May 21, 2012
just take it one day or hr at a time
by: Anonymous

no one can tell you what to think or how to feel. I was 16 when my aunt ended her life, last week the darkness took one of my closes friends...I am now 31. It just sucks, like they pass their pain on to all of us. find people to talk to, try art, sometimes creating something can help. It is ok to be mad or hurt or numb. Just, if you feel your self doing down a dark path reach out, take care of yourself, let people know that you are having mixed up feelings! time does heal, there are way more people out there that live with this wound of suicide than you can know. You are never alone in this world, it will get worse before it gets better, you will be OK in time.

May 21, 2012
Sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

I recently lost my mom to an illness. I know that it is not the same as losing a mother to a tragedy. The way your handling your pain, may be the only way you know how. You understand that you are in pain and that you have lost someone that is what is important, that you recognize it for what it is.There is no handbook on how grieve the lost of the one who gave you birth regardless of the circumstances that followed and stemmed to your detachment. Like they say a mother can feel her child, a child can feel their mother. I hope these words help.

May 21, 2012
by: Anonymous

Dear Josh,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

Yes, lots of people read these entries. We've all experienced loss of some kind, and this blog has helped me realize that what I'm going through is normal,even though many times I feel completely insane.

All the emotions you're feeling and not feeling are part of your grieving process. There isn't a fixed set of rules on how to go through it, and there isn't a set time frame.

Give yourself the space and time to process this in your own way. You can keep posting on this site if you want to reach out to others. Many people here are ready and willing to listen.

All the best to you.


May 21, 2012
May god heal you
by: Cathy

She was your mother, she brought you into this world if it was not for her you would not be here,just as parents accept their children with all their shortcomings, i feel children should also accept their parents it is not her fault she was like that, may be she was suffering,had feelings and fears which she could not express to her children. You have to forgive her for the pain that you are going through . Pray to god to help you to give you the strength to bear everything. I lost my 21 year old son 7 months ago he had a massive heart attack i miss my son very much and i loved him inspite of everything, now i have forgotten everything i only know that i love him and miss him, god help you son to bear so much at such a young age. If you want to talk about anything my mail id is

May 21, 2012
Reach Out
by: Helen

O Josh, I'm so glad you found this site to try and understand what's happening to you.
Your confusion is to be expected, as part of you is trying to grieve for your mother and the other part of you is trying to understand and accept your mothers illness, bipolar.
Always remember she is your mother and she was very sick.
No-one outside the family will understand the trauma you have experienced living, with your sick mum..
You have had to grow up very quickly and at such a tender age to witness in the picture how your mum died, will bring up many feelings and emotions.
It is important for you to be aware, of these emotions, anger, relief, release and now maybe freedom from worrying about your mum.
Always remember you are not responsible for your mum's health, she had a chemical imbalance in her brain and she was a very sick person.
Talk to your doctor about your feelings, find a school counsellor to talk to someone on a regular bases until you learn not to carry around anger, guilt and unhappiness for the rest of your life.
My wish for you is with time you share your inner feelings with a person you feel safe with, so that you can find some peace in your life, so that you don't alienate yourself and turn inward and forget there are people out there in the world who can help you if you reach out to them

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