She is really gone this time...

Our mum left Myself and my Brother over 20yrs ago. We were just 6 & 7yrs old. She moved to a diffrent country leaving our Father to look after us. We had many struggles growing up without her. But our father did his best to try and provide for us but we also would go on to have many problems with his relationships with women coming in and out of our lives. Some were nice some not so nice. In our teens we had made contact with our mum again only to be rejected by her so many times with false promises of wanting to be in our lives. Failure to keep in touch, no return on phone calls , no response to letters etc. years would go by without contact till the next effort would be made again by us her children. Wanting , yearning for that little something from our mum. Thinking maybe she will want us in her life now ? We were older and mature now with our own families. Little contact was made. And slowly over time we started some kind of relationship where she traveled home to meet us and her family again.

It was a sureal get together. Here was this women who was our mum yet never was part of our lives growing up. Who had abandon us , gave us up , walked way from her babies.
Why ? Did she not know we needed her ? Did she not know we loved her ?

We would all go on to have a beautiful week together. Aunties , Uncles , cousins , Friends and most importanly her children all together in one room for the first time in over 20 yrs. As we said our goodbyes at the airport, spirts were lifted and plans were made for the next reunion. But it would be of a diffrent sort that we would have never dreamed off.

Less than a few days later my Brother and I would receive a phone call to say our mum was on a life support machine and we needed to get there as soon as we could. We took a flight during the night to attend our mums hospital bed where she was strapped to machines and tubes. Over the next few days counsultants would tell us that our mum was gone and that the machines were doing more damage at this stage. we as a family made the heart wrenching decision to turn her life support off. We flew home made funneral plans and flew back to bring home our beautiful mum.

The grief in our family was over whelming. How can you have our mum here only a week previous and now she is here again only this time she is Dead. I started to see a counsellor shortly after our mums death. Only to relize I was missing her in between our sessions. she explained to me it was Attachment after the loss of my mum and that we could work through it. I could not because the feelings were so over whelming so I left. Now I feel as if i have lost the one person who I could talk to. I miss her so much. It is very painful. Going back to her I would feel a failure. Grief and Loss play Havoc on your soul. I am so lost.

Comments for [She is really gone this time...]

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Jun 23, 2012
With Love
by: Anonymous

Thank You so so much Helen, Carmen and Doreen for your understanding & beautiful words of comfort. I can look back on your words as often as I like especially when the days are tough. And I will feel as if you are there helping me get through the days. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Love to you all.

Jun 22, 2012
Acceptance of Overwhelming
by: Helen

I feel so much for your dilemma, and hurt at loosing your mum, even though you didn't know her very well. My mum left my sister and I when I was 3 and my sister was 18mths. my dad raised us too, he died suddenly and unexpectedly 4 1/2 months ago.
I tried to get in touch with my mum last November and she didn't want to see me, and it hurts, however I know she is not a well person and she wouldn't know how to cope with me, my step brother said that she is fragile and 80 yrs old now.
I've had years of counseling and gained confidence in myself and became a teacher.
Of course your feelings are overwhelming you have all soughts of memories and feelings coming up, grief at loosing your mum, not having your mum around when you grew up, anger and abondonement issues, with your mum.
Re your counsellor, this person sound like, exactly what you need at this moment in time. it is expected that you will miss her between your counselling sessions, you where beginning to open up to your true feelings and they where frightening you.
When you feel strong enough and ready to cope with your feelings this counsellor will welcome you back with open arms,
Please allow yourself to express your overwhelming feelings in a safe and supportive environment.
I understand where you are at with your counsellor, and I can tell you that you are on the way to discovering your true feelings and become the person you where meant to be.
Our mums may have restricted our emotional growth with love and support we can grow and reach our true potential
Please do not deny yourself this anymore.
Love, light and happiness to you.

Jun 22, 2012
by: Carmen

Just remember her leaving you years ago was not your fault, your mum probaby had other problems you dont even know about. no mother would leave their children unless something is seriously wrong with her. if you pray do so and pray for her soul and ask for forgiveness for her. Mostly dont blame yourself. you were an innocent child and losing your mother then and now are major losses no matter what. Learn from your mum not only how to be but also how not to be a mother to your children. I wish you comfort and peace.

Jun 22, 2012
She really is gone this time
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Brokenhearted and lost,
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother twice.
You lost your mother when she left 20 years ago. You lost her again when she died. My heart grieves with you. I feel so helpless and inadequate to find the words to help you and your brother. Who knows the reason why a parent walks out and leaves her children? You needed to find your mother in order to fill the void in your life. When you found your mother the void came back when she died and now you don't know what to do. Your father stayed and tried to do his best. He needed someone in his life to cope with his needs and this must have been difficult for you both as no one could replace your mother. You did a very wise thing by going into counselling. But sad to say you could not stay because the pain was so bad. Counselling feels as if someone has taken a scalpel to your soul and you are left bleeding till you go in for the next session. You keep oozing all the time and it feels as if you will hemorghage to death. My experience is that I went back. whether I believed it worked or not till one day I woke up and I started to feel better. I became whole from a very fragmented person I couldn't survive. Life was too painfull. I saw it through. Counselling DOES WORK. You have to go through the pain in order to get the HEALING.
this is what you and your brother need. HEALING.
Words fail me at this time to help you. A counsellor does hold the pain whilst we work through it. Sometimes you feel as if you are going mad saying. WHAT AM I DOING HERE? This pain is too much. I don't know if you can salvage some sanity for you and your brother. You saw your mother. You talked to her. You were able to form a picture of her in a short time. of her personality and her character. You will know better from this how much you have lost and also how blessed you are to have had this short opportunity to see her and talk to her. You will wonder now. Was this meeting for her benefit or ours? since we did not get to complete our journey. You may have to go on and find out the rest from the relatives you met that week and let them fill in the gaps. You need to know your history. You need to know your STORY. You need to let those relative LOVE you back till you can move on and salvage some happiness from this meeting that will see you through the difficult days ahead. I wish you Peace, Love, Healing, and the sunshine of God's Love to see you through the difficult days ahead till you are able one day to move forward from this and become stronger people. Best wishes.

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