She is really gone this time...
Our mum left Myself and my Brother over 20yrs ago. We were just 6 & 7yrs old. She moved to a diffrent country leaving our Father to look after us. We had many struggles growing up without her. But our father did his best to try and provide for us but we also would go on to have many problems with his relationships with women coming in and out of our lives. Some were nice some not so nice. In our teens we had made contact with our mum again only to be rejected by her so many times with false promises of wanting to be in our lives. Failure to keep in touch, no return on phone calls , no response to letters etc. years would go by without contact till the next effort would be made again by us her children. Wanting , yearning for that little something from our mum. Thinking maybe she will want us in her life now ? We were older and mature now with our own families. Little contact was made. And slowly over time we started some kind of relationship where she traveled home to meet us and her family again.
It was a sureal get together. Here was this women who was our mum yet never was part of our lives growing up. Who had abandon us , gave us up , walked way from her babies.
Why ? Did she not know we needed her ? Did she not know we loved her ?
We would all go on to have a beautiful week together. Aunties , Uncles , cousins , Friends and most importanly her children all together in one room for the first time in over 20 yrs. As we said our goodbyes at the airport, spirts were lifted and plans were made for the next reunion. But it would be of a diffrent sort that we would have never dreamed off.
Less than a few days later my Brother and I would receive a phone call to say our mum was on a life support machine and we needed to get there as soon as we could. We took a flight during the night to attend our mums hospital bed where she was strapped to machines and tubes. Over the next few days counsultants would tell us that our mum was gone and that the machines were doing more damage at this stage. we as a family made the heart wrenching decision to turn her life support off. We flew home made funneral plans and flew back to bring home our beautiful mum.
The grief in our family was over whelming. How can you have our mum here only a week previous and now she is here again only this time she is Dead. I started to see a counsellor shortly after our mums death. Only to relize I was missing her in between our sessions. she explained to me it was Attachment after the loss of my mum and that we could work through it. I could not because the feelings were so over whelming so I left. Now I feel as if i have lost the one person who I could talk to. I miss her so much. It is very painful. Going back to her I would feel a failure. Grief and Loss play Havoc on your soul. I am so lost.