She left and I am lost for hope
Currently its been a near month since my relationship ended. There is a constant struggle everyday to keep the blue moments out of my days as I continue to live my life. The relationship grew for three years and in the beginning I was not interested to have one or more fearful of what they might be like when they know me. She tried constantly to show me the love and courage she has for me, but still, with her actions I was still unwilling to accept and digest. We lived together for most of the 3 years and though it was a struggle for me and her to deal with. I was affraid of her, the love that she expressed, the kindness she shared, the affection, and the loyalty. What I discovered was that my past has brought me to treat my relationships all the same due to the effects done to me. I was not concious of them being tied together or having any relationship to each other, but now that she is gone (almost a month now) I realize that it has a lot and the main reason why I am such a blocker of love in my life. The past has give me child abuse, child neglection, and the list goes on. But this life I lived is not reflected when they (meaning the special person interested in me) for this instance it was this last one. She left without any warnings of what she was about to do. She she came and said "I am leaving to Dallas soon for a job position that was offered to her and what is going to happen between us?". My response was simple, nothing, I guess its the end and I wished her well in her move and start of living again. However, deep in me I didnt want that, i wanted to her to stay and be my love one till my last breath. But somehow I reached and told her i would support her in this decision as much as I hated the fact of her move. What turned out was me getting even worse with my insecurities and hurt of my past pains. In the coming weeks all was great, I hit church,l devoted my self to the bible, I even shared a lot with family. But at the end I fell to floor and I fell apart in my troubles of my past. Honestly, I never wanted her to leave and I wanted to give her the real me, the person whom is afraid of life and fear of my past. But now she is gone, she is in another city, and i am in the dark. I started seeking counseling and it has been a slow process and i get frustrated and full of anxiety with this help. I know I need it and it needs to be confronted for good. But still loosing her is a huge loss. This was the fear I had from the beginning of meeting her. Will she leave me when she knows? will she judge me for it? will she think less of me as a man? Will it ruin our relationship? Will she hate me for it? Will things be bad after worse? Well...my answer is given to me. She left and i dont blame her for it...I probably would have done the same...but the fact is I wanted her to not go away. How do I live life going forward is the biggest question to this day since our last contact. How to move forward...life is not great or never seems to stop this cycle I am living. Pain is constant and constantly I am loosing myself. I feel as I am dying slowly and fading away. I still lover her and I miss her...I would hate to have pain worse than this in my life. This so heavy on me it makes it hard to live day by day.