She was my mom, my best friend
by Tanya B
Mom and I-College Graduation
Mary A. Brown, July 16, 1945-April 10, 2009
On April 10, 2009 I received a call that my mom has passed away unexpectedly in her sleep. My mom was in good health, not sick and then she was gone.
I am an only child. She raised me as a single parent. My mom was my entire world. She was my best friend. She gave me a wake up/catch up call every morning. We also talked most evenings.
Of all things in her life, my mom took most pride in being my mother. She saw that I had every opportunity for higher education, and even graduate school. Even beyond education, she continued to support me as I have struggled to really earn a good salary, find work using my skills and education and really just get stable. She never discouraged me. I cannot recall her ever telling me "no", not showing me love or not being there for me.
She always had my back- no matter what. My mom loved me with that totally unconditional mothers love. I did no wrong by her. My friends were amazed. I know how blessed I have been to have had her in my corner for almost 33 years. I have never been through the grieving process and it really didn't hit me until a week after the funeral when I returned from Boston to Atlanta. My emotions are all over the place. I cry on a dime. I think about her all the time. I am fumbling through pictures constantly.
Although I have a support system, I have only found comfort and preference in one person, my boyfriend. Unfortunately, he is not an emotional person at all; and he has never experienced such loss. I have never seen him cry. His family background is very different than mine. He doesn't understand what I am experiencing and he sometimes down plays how I am feeling or how I am expressing those feelings.
The one thing that keeps me from being angry at him is remembering that he doesn't/ cannot imagine what my reality is. I fear that I will lose him, because I am trying to lean on him and even smothering him at times. I try to explain that I need him now more than ever. I try to tell him that I feel better with him than in times of solace (when I think more), but we are at odds. I wonder if I would do better to just not lean on him at all.
My mom and I never talked about death and dying. I know I never wanted to imagine this day. I expected to care for her into her much senior years. My mom will not see her 64th birthday on July 16. This was my first mother's day without my mom. No one could tell me what on earth you do on Mother's day when your mom is gone. I cannot even visit her grave because I live in another state. She always visited me on Memorial Day Weekend and this weekend would have been our time.
This is a very difficult time for me right now, and this helps a little bit to share my story. I always thought that she was all I would ever need. But now I'm trying to turn elsewhere and the person I am turning to doesn't understand at all. I fear our relationship will fail because I am going through this grieving process for I don't know how long, and maybe this is all too much for him. I never expected anybody else to understand. She was my mom, my bestfriend.