She was my Sunshine..
(St. Croix , Virgin Islands)
Mom got sick with the flu in November of 2009.. or at least that's what we thought. Within days her health declined and she was hospitalized. Tests ..oh so many tests and no answers until we were told that she had stage 4 metatastic breast cancer.. When the doctor left the room, Mom tried to tell us what we never suspected let alone the fact that she had hid this horrible secret for 10+ years. She had not wanted any treatment, she just wanted to live and avoided the mere thought of cancer. Learning to respect that has been the hardest thing to do. I will always feel like I should have known, or I should have been able to help her. The days and weeks that followed felt sublime. Sort of like an out of body experience. And so for the next few weeks, my younger sister and I became her caregivers. I took the day time shift using all my remaining sick and vacation time from work. Along with the hospice care help we did what we could to make Mom comfortable. The holidays were awful.. and even now, I do not care to celebrate. When the pain became unbearable, the doctor prescribed morphine. I hated having to give it to her; all it did was make Mom sleep. But I knew that it helped ease the pain.. and so the days went. My sister bought a Christmas tree to put in Mom's apartment.. where she could see the twinkling lights and smell the pine from her bed as she lay in the living room. We made it to the new year.. but on January 4th ,2010 Mom left this world as we know it. I still cry at the smallest mention of her.. memories invoke extreme sadness and birthdays, holidays and special dates take me back to a place that I wish no child ever to be. On the the other side of the bed, watching your Mom .. your sunshine slowing slipping away.