She was my Sunshine..

by EllaJean
(St. Croix , Virgin Islands)

Mom got sick with the flu in November of 2009.. or at least that's what we thought. Within days her health declined and she was hospitalized. Tests ..oh so many tests and no answers until we were told that she had stage 4 metatastic breast cancer.. When the doctor left the room, Mom tried to tell us what we never suspected let alone the fact that she had hid this horrible secret for 10+ years. She had not wanted any treatment, she just wanted to live and avoided the mere thought of cancer. Learning to respect that has been the hardest thing to do. I will always feel like I should have known, or I should have been able to help her. The days and weeks that followed felt sublime. Sort of like an out of body experience. And so for the next few weeks, my younger sister and I became her caregivers. I took the day time shift using all my remaining sick and vacation time from work. Along with the hospice care help we did what we could to make Mom comfortable. The holidays were awful.. and even now, I do not care to celebrate. When the pain became unbearable, the doctor prescribed morphine. I hated having to give it to her; all it did was make Mom sleep. But I knew that it helped ease the pain.. and so the days went. My sister bought a Christmas tree to put in Mom's apartment.. where she could see the twinkling lights and smell the pine from her bed as she lay in the living room. We made it to the new year.. but on January 4th ,2010 Mom left this world as we know it. I still cry at the smallest mention of her.. memories invoke extreme sadness and birthdays, holidays and special dates take me back to a place that I wish no child ever to be. On the the other side of the bed, watching your Mom .. your sunshine slowing slipping away.

Comments for She was my Sunshine..

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Sep 18, 2012
She still is your sunshine- death cannot change that
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous, I am glad to see you are able to engage in life again from your grief that seems to be going on forever. You say you miss your mom's wisdom and encouragement and love. Your mom put this into you and you will probably live this out in the lives of others and so carry on this memory and gift your mom gave you. It is as if it were sewn into you. You will always have this part of your mom continue living in you.

Sep 17, 2012
She Was My Sunshine
by: EllaJean

Hello, and thanks to Anonymous and Doreen U.K. for your responses. Thanks for the reminder that Mom is still my sunshine.. and she is, and when I think of her.. I smile.. and that radiates to everyone I am around.. as the same do the tears when I cry.. but it has become easier to let them flow.. to talk about her and to not become so overcome by the memories and the sadness .. but to take away from that the joy! The joy of being her daughter.. the joy of what my family meant to her.. the joy of having many shared memories, of things we did together... yes, there is some joy..
Doreen...I am not sure how to say that I am sorry for your loss... and this loss is very new to you and I can only imagine how you are suffering.. but perhaps you will find comfort in some of the things that this site may offer... gosh, I sure wish I had heard about it sooner.. would have let all these pent up emotions and tears come out... but it is not tooooooo.. late I can still find the comfort as I have now been directed to this place..

Sep 15, 2012
She was my Sunshine.....
by: Doreen U.K.

Ellajean I am sorry for your loss of your mom to cancer. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 4 months ago. We are on a painfully hard journey of grief where nothing will ever be the same after our loss. We have to grieve, and then we do eventually move forward in time. Grief is a process that takes time. It happens automatically. We don't have to force it, but we can disengage from it. If we do this we are just storing it away and it will eventually come to the surface and cause us deeper anxiety. It is better to deal with all aspects of grief as and when they happen. Grief happens in stages. Not all at once. We do cry as an expression of our sorrow over our lost loved one. This is normal. It is as you say then that we are more aware of all our mother's did for us and then perhaps guilt sets in. Mom's automatically go on loving, and giving of themeselves and expect nothing in return, but RESPECT & HONOUR. Time is something that can't always be given if Adult children are working and leading their own lives with a family. As mom's we try and not have high expectations. We don't get disappointed. We find acceptance in how our Adult children have to live their lives, independent of us. Life is changing all the time and we all have different needs. We just go on and do our best and this is all any of us can expect of each other. Sadly people will smoke and drink alcohol due to circumstances they can't handle and so cut short their lives. But we cannot judge them for their actions that may have cut short their life. They do pay the price for their CHOICE & LIFESTYLE. We will all be left with ANGER ISSUES around this when they die. My husband worked with a substance that caused his death. This was an industrial disease. I feel angry about this but no ammount of anger can rectify this or bring him back. We each will grieve our own losses in our own way. But the grief experience is the same Pain we all feel despite the circumstances one dies with. Sorrow is the same. The GUILT & ANGER is the same for all of us. I hope you will eventually HEAL FROM YOUR LOSS and that life will get easier for you with the correct support in place.

Sep 15, 2012
She still is your Sunshine -death cannot change that.
by: Anonymous

In despair and helplessness, I too watched my mother die. I anticipated the magnitude of the loss but never came to the full realization until the heartbreaking pain lessened. Then I knew I would never be the same. Life as I knew it was completely different. I was different. I dealt with it by isolating myself, disengaging from life, except to visit the gravesite and fill it with flowers, to find some comfort. I became withdrawn and Lost without her wisdom, encouragement and love. I am still grieving but have recently decided to engage in life as grief is stealing my life. I have been wondering if grief is distracting us so completely that we lose our own Gift of Life and by so doing lose our loved one?

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