by SHEZ Holme

I lost my darling Nanna on my birthday in march this year;2012, I could not be with her during her journeys transition & I also could not be there for her service as I live over 3,000 kms away.. I am a Registered Nurse & I am not 'young' I am Nanna' eldest grandchild & though I live far away from her, I saw Nan more often than any other of her grandchild..!!! or her children who all live within a 25km radius of Nanna.. Disgusting!, Tells a lot about my family.,, I phoned Nanna every fortnight at least & when I saved up money, which is hard as my husband lost his employment last year thanks to his mongrel boss but that's another story, I made it my priority to visit Nanna & spend quality time with her.. We are best friends & don't get me wrong Nanna was with it.. No dementia. A strong independent woman who at 99 years young, could whoop anyone into line!,
Nanna initially didn't have interest in receiving the "letter" from the Queen but as she neared her 99th year she became excited at the prospect.. Perhaps, Nanna said "maybe from the King"..!!
Nanna made the 99th & was short by only 9 months from her 100 beautiful years on this earth...
Supporting my children & mum during this transition has been as expected but I have not had my time.. I am angry at everyone for no particular reason... As an educated woman with a bachelor degree & multiple others, to specialising in Palliative Care, I understand the process of grief but never thought it would be me who was in a hole.. I am strong & have always had to hold back my feelings as I have been a mum since I was 17.. So I never had the time to be selfish & allow to feel myself sad... I don't know when I last had a proper cry or allowed myself to feel the weight of darkness my heart is holding.. I feel angry, hard, heavy and yet I am only concerned with how my kids are coping.. You know, no-one has even asked, honestly asked me how I am doing. How I am feeling.. Hold me & to allow me to FEEL...!!
Am I over reacting?? Am I selfish for wanting, needing someone to honestly hold me & allow me to feel..???
Is it my fault? Am I being silly?? This the only time I have spoken, acknowledged ME...
ANY thoughts.. Anyone?.

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