Shine on you Crazy Diamond.....

by Hope
(Tappy Happy)

We will Survive

We will Survive

I Listen to the song and torture myself. Unsure why I do things to bring on the sorrow. I tell myself that I am in the beginning of the acceptance. Perhaps Lie to myself trying to forge ahead because there is nothing else. My heart aches so tonight, missing him, wanting him here plugging in the fog machine getting excited like a little kid, putting on Boris or Vincent.

I will do those things for Boo, I promised Classic Horror and appetizers as we have done every year. I cannot do it tonight, I guess I am not as strong as I made myself out to be. Playing Wish you were here. How appropriate is that? The tears burn my throat trying to hold them in but they just escape. No tears since the first of Oct, a record for me.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, The one year mark 12/06/10 Christmas then Our Anniversary Jan. 1st. We would have been together for 18 years and now I rush backwards asking...Why aren't we? There is no finish line after all is there?

I Will Miss You and Love you Forever Paul, I am trying to be happy or at least functioning with some happy days.

I owe it to Boo. He deserves a whole mother not just the shell.


Comments for Shine on you Crazy Diamond.....

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Oct 27, 2011
Halloween without you...

My Love,

Here I am heading towards the 2nd Halloween without you. I am getting a glimpse of excitement that I thought I would never have without you. Our Holiday is coming up this weekend. Actually Halloween is Monday but, we would have had our Halloween party this Sat. Melancholy tries to evade my day and destroy the joy I so long for. This is the tail end of acceptance and it is just as hard as grief itself. Towards the 2nd Halloween the 2nd Thanksgiving and the 3rd Christmas. This life without you is soooo very hard. I miss and Love you still and probably always will.

Oct 31, 2010
It sucks
by: Jen

Well Hope,
This whole thing is an ever ending nightmare.
I am doing really well and am so proud of myself but like you it goes on and on and on. And worst of all, there's no one to share it with.
Oh i really hate not having Richard to hug at night. I miss my Richard as you miss your Paul,,

Thinkg of you Hope.


Oct 31, 2010
Another tough day
by: Barbara

Hi Hope, I too am struggling today. Halloween was one of my husband's favorite days. Sometimes he would take the day off to decorate. We had the yard and inside the house decorated,we wore costumes, had music and lights and an outdoor camera so Steve could talk to the kids as they walked up the entry. This morning when I got up (actually it was after 12 noon, sleep has become my escape)I thought to myself I haven't even bought any candy and think I'll just leave all the blinds and windows and doors shut. This December it will be 2 years since Steve died and there is still Thanksgiving and Christmas to get through this year. I still can't seem to find my way to sanity. We were married for over 40 years, I married Steve when I was 17, it has always been a us, I don't know how to be a 'me'. The kids are grown and busy with their own lives. Some days are better than others, today is falling apart quickly. I read your posts often.......It helps.....

Oct 31, 2010
shine on .......
by: jules

Hope - that photo of you looks so sad - I know that feeling, even among a crowd of people, having a good time, some little thing just brings on that memory, that thought, why isn't John here, with me, why did he have to go - it's just not fair is it.

I know I will survive, I will go on, I have too many people here who care about me - my daughter, her husband, my four beautiful grandsons,my son and his partner, friends that I have made here, and old friends from home and my extended family.

They make my life worthwhile, so I will keep going, missing John every day.

Oct 31, 2010
Halloween without you
by: The one you left behind

My Love,
I did not think that I could make it through the night with out you. We always made such a big to do about Halloween. You would be planning the theme since Sept. Remember the P.and H. party? Frankie wants Pictures from that. Every one was dancing under the disco ball, Even N.! Boo was small and fell asleep in the chair. I just saw you in a picture as Captain Spalding. That was a good one too. They all were.

I was so upset and impatient yesterday forcing festivity for Boo remembering all the fun we had every year the huge feast that we would prepare for family and friends, all were invited and you would be like a big kid all excited. Even after your brain surgery in Sept. 08 it was important but you were unable to decorate until the following year.

Someone ran over your fence and got you so upset you had a seizure. The same paramedic that came that day in Oct of 09 was the one that came to your rescue when you collapsed on your last walk. 12/06/09

He was off duty, yet came when he heard the call and was the only one who knew who you were and what your background was. It still haunts me. Wishing I were there to help you though your final moments. Knowing that I could do nothing but calm you, I will not forgive myself for that even though we are heading towards that year mark.

But in the end last night with the kids dressed so cute, The sky had the most beautiful sunset all aflame with pink. Just a handful of friends and family coming over for a visit, and watching all the kids come to the Halloween house that was always yours, I did the cooking, you did the decorating. Somehow I was at ease and let the night happen without you. That is the first hoop to jump through, Now Thanksgiving, Christmas and Our Anniversary. Please Lord give me strength to get through them as well...

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