Shredded Family Ties

by Gracie Thompson
(USA)

Lord, my cup is full to overflowing. Full of anger, or maybe more like rage, I think.
Rage at things, events, circumstances
that I cannot control.
I’ll pick one.

My son died of his own choosing – no note, no warning, no good-byes.
The pain has been torture…You know of my flowing
tears, the anguish, the wishes to join him.

And if that weren’t enough,
family turned away, showering us with disdain for
decisions we had to make midst their grief.

Why Lord? Who said we had to choose sides?
This wasn’t supposed to be a contest to see who wins.

All we, parents and children, could do for him now was to bury him with as much dignity as possible…
and some family members still turned away in anger.

How dare we inconvenience them?
How dare we make decisions without seeking their counsel?
After all, they were family and family has rights.

Apparently as parents and children,
we didn’t have the right to make our own decisions.
And these were dreadfully ugly, harsh and difficult decisions to make!

I have forgiven them over and over and still there is more forgiving that needs to be extended in this one-sided forgiveness.

My cup is still full-to-overflowing with pain, Lord.
Family members are unable to speak to us about our son to help us all heal,
and perhaps to help mend the broken fences of our family ties.

It feels like a three-layer, chocolate cake; luscious and mouth-watering to behold.
But inside, it is filled with poisonous pain…carefully covered up with a
swirled perfection of creamy fudge frosting – “anger” frosting.
The anger is a beautiful covering for all the pain that is hidden deep inside.

That is what anger is – a covering for pain.
Anger is really a secondary emotion; how we naturally react to pain.
Pain makes us vulnerable and we want to avoid being vulnerable.

Anger makes us feel in control; strong and capable.
In anger and pain, we look around to blame – to rid ourselves of some of the suffocating guilt and pain.

Lord, forgive me today for all the bitterness and anger that still rages in my broken heart. Perhaps they have been blinded to the truth? Whatever it be, if they never speak to me again on this earth, I pray that You will bring us together for a fresh start in heaven.