Sinclaire - Why?

by Randy Saxour
(Columbus, Ohio)

My name is Randy and my adorable cocker spaniel's name is Sinclaire (since she lives on in my heart). She was 13 and very active and always had a healthy appetite, even if it was people food she adored. About a month ago she went into congestive heart failure so we took her to the vet. The practice gave her a lasik and some medicine that ended in April for her heart problem.

As soon as we started giving her the medicine she changed. She became very quiet and would not eat very much and started having accidents all over the house. I came to the conclusion that it was the lasiks she was taking that was causing the accidents.

Then about a week ago, she had a stroke that basically paralyzed her tongue, not allowing her to feel or taste what she was eating. We tried everything, even force feeding and nothing worked. So on Sunday my son and I decided that we could see it wasn't going to be long before we had to do something.

Sunday night she ate a little roast beef and I don't know if it was because she had seen us so upset or if she just wanted to please us. Then my son let her out Monday morning @ 3:00 a.m. and all she did was sit and look around.

Today I wonder if she sensed it was going to be her last time in the front yard. I called our vet and we took her in and I cried all the way there and she just stood so proud in the front seat with my son holding her. It was the most energy she had in a week.

When we get there we go into the examining room and my son and I wait for the vet. The vet comes in and confirms that she is in bad shape. They take her and put a port in her leg. The whole time I am wondering why God would let this happen to such a special pet. By the way I am still pissed at God and I know it sounds terrible.

Vet returns with Sinclaire and she is on the table and I ask the vet if this is the right time to do this and she replies yes. I even told her if you give her food through the port would we be able to keep her alive for a few more weeks. She told me I was just putting off the inevitable.

I cried and hugged my dear Sinclaire and told her that I was doing what I thought was best for her. She seemed relaxed and they did the procedure of putting her down. My son and I have cried almost every 15 minutes since this started and I feel that my heart is a jigsaw puzzle with pieces I can't put together. I have even went as far as to tell my son I killed her. I can't believe the grief I feel. I want the pain to stop.

We have another dog Sadie Mae, also a cocker, that is 8 years old and exactly the opposite. She is not friendly except to us and doesn't like kids. Last night she roamed through the house looking for Claire and when she goes out to potty she runs to the car doors looking for Claire. That breaks my heart too.

When do you realize you did what was best and when does your heart heal?

Comments for Sinclaire - Why?

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Mar 08, 2014
Sinclaire update!
by: Randy

It has been 4 years ago today that I my precious baby down and to this day I miss her. I think about her alot and just wanted people to know the pain is still in me. Love ya girl and miss you!

May 12, 2013
by: Randy

Still think about Sinclaire daily and really still miss her. Chloe is Sinclaire reincarnated like I said before. She has so many of the same habits as Claire and she has begun to fill the void. Still love you so much Sinclaire. Since it is Mother's Day and you do have 3 kids I thought it a good thing to update folks.

Jan 06, 2013
Update 1/6/2013
by: Anonymous

Sinclaire is still in my heart but now I can smile and not cry. I see her picture daily and miss her but, know she will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge so we can cross together. People who have followed my posts - remember the pets we lose are waiting to be reunited with us again just like friends and family members. Rejoice - you will see them again!

Mar 19, 2012
Randy's update
by: Anonymous

I still think of Sinclaire almost everyday. I have her on my screen saver and just remember the great times. Chloe is progressing to a point that I tell you she is Sinclaire reincarnated. I try and not cry when I think of my Sinclaire but, it still happens even now as I am typing this. Love you and miss you baby girl! Thank you folks for all the nice comments on my baby and my letter.

Sep 01, 2011
Randy and SInclaire
by: RuthAnn

Your story is so similar to mine - I lost Logan 2 weeks ago and the pain is quite simply unbearable. I can't stop crying. He too was a cocker spaniel and he left behind his litter mate, Phoenix. Your story and update gives me hope, Randy. I need hope so badly. Thank-you.

Apr 04, 2011
Sinclaire a year later
by: Randy

This is Randy and I am writing to update my feelings on my loss. I carry a picture of Sinclaire with me and when I travel I carry it too. I have gotten over the initial shock and now deal with thinking about her daily. I kept a journal and wrote in it whenever I thought about her and it will be buried with me as will her ashes. I was web searching about three months again and found a cocker rescue in our area. I had made my mind up no more dogs. This little girl jumped off the page at me and yes I adopted her. She is sooooo much like Sinclaire I can't believe it. She is small, was a puppy mill mom and was going to be killed by the Amish that had her. She is the best thing to happen to our family and now I know Sinclaire sent her to me. She will never take her place but, of my goodness she makes you love her. She was named Clove and I changed it to Chloe as I had thought she is too prissy to be named after a spice. Chocolate in color and weighs about 16 lbs. As you can tell I love her. Sinclaire you are resting in peace and thank you for sending Chloe to help ease the pain. You know me very well sissy. I will be reunited with you and I know it is going to be a parttttty. Miss you always and you are never out of my heart.

Jun 24, 2010
I'm so sorry
by: Pam

Randy, i just lost my best friend and I too keep asking God "why now?". He was just short of turning 13 and healthy his whole life. I cry daily and the pain just won't go away. I don't think God minds us being mad with him. I just think how hard each day is without my little boy to see how beautiful the world is.

I feel like I'm wasting God's time on this earth because I feel like I just can't be happy. I'm sorry for your loss and I too felt awful bringing him to the vet - one week ago today. I thought it was a routine blood tap and I never got to bring him back home. I don't understand why God takes our loves sooner than later. I hope you are doing ok.

Mar 10, 2010
True Friends
by: Down Under

Randy, my condolences on your loss of Sinclaire. You have me in tears !! Pets become part of our lives, and sometimes I think we grieve even more for them and I even believe they understand us more than our family and friends at times.

Randy, you did the right thing by allowing Sinclaire to go in peace and not suffer any more. Keep the happy memories alive and do not neglect your other dogs, as they too would be feeling the loss and emptiness. Be strong . . . .

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