My older brother died on April 11th, 2014. I was getting ready to leave for work at 6:30 am and my cell rang. I grabbed it thinking it was my work telling me to go to a different truck for the day, but when I looked at the phone it said “chriscell”. My thought was , something happened to one of my parents. I answered the call and it was Zach, his son. He just blurted out “Aunt Ruth dad is dead”. I fell apart, it was just so unexpected, so horrible , so painful. My family is not a close family, but Chris and I were close. We talked on the phone every single week, and for at least an hour. We talked about everything from politics, fishing, our parents, my other brother, our crazy upbringing, kids, music, just talked. He was really the only person in the world that I just gabbed with on the phone. I would make a cup of green tea, go sit on the porch and call Chris. I miss it so much. Every time I think about him being gone I just get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t fix this, I can’t do a thing about it and it is so final. I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first 2 weeks I just cried uncontrollably. Didn’t eat, just cried. Then the third week I was able to function better, it helped to go to work. I’m a firefighter and work is fun and the people are great. My crew and everyone on my shift was so thoughtful. I knew that they really cared and that helped.
I try and remember that I’m not the only one. So many people have lost someone they love. This is the first time that I have experienced a death of someone that I’m so close to, a brother. It sucks. It hurts. I want him back. It takes my breath away to know that he will never be back.
The first week I thought about it all the time, couldn’t sleep, just thought about Chris. After a couple of weeks I would have a moment where something would happen and I would forget about it for just a moment, I would smile or laugh and everything was back the way it was for just a moment. Then I would remember again and be sad once more. As time goes on I find those moments lasting longer, I feel guilty about that. How can I be happy or laugh when Chris is gone. But it happens. I guess that this is the normal process, or else you would just lay down and die too feeling all that sadness.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. God bless everyone here that is feeling the sadness. One more thing that I want to say is that I was always one of those people that would avoid addressing someone that had a loss, I never knew the right thing to say, it was awkward. I will never do that again. People just want to know that you care about what they are going through. Having people care about it is so nice. I had a girl that I have never met before hug me and say “my brother died too and I know the pain that you are in”. It meant so much to me. It meant so much for someone to just say “I am so sorry”. I will do that for others from now on. Ruth