Six Months

I am writing this through tears and I am not sure why I am writing it. Waking up this morning to an empty house six months after my husband passed away is sheer hell! I know family and friends all love me and I know they all mean well. I love talking to them but I know they never understand where I am coming from. They don't know my pain. After I talk to them or come over they go home to their own lives. I have no life-my life died with him.

I stay here in an empty house. As much as they say call me-what can they say to make it better- what can they do to make it better. I miss him so much I really can't stand it. I had a wonderful life-every morning I would wake up and know he was there. He took care of me. I never had to worry - I knew he would make my life fun and exciting.

I don't know what to do now. Every one says move on-to what! To a life alone with no one to hold me when I cry-No on to say it will be alright-because it won't. I don't want to move on-I just want my life back- I want the person who loved me so much that when I acted like an idiot he would understand-He would be there for me-I have no one to be there for me-I just want his arms around me-God why did you take him away? I miss him so much

I'll go through the motions but I don't really care. I am sorry but I don't!
I would give everything to just have him back

People don’t realize what I am missing, they have no idea how much it hurts!.

Comments for Six Months

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Jan 20, 2011
Truth of the matter is,
by: KH

Unless someone has lost their husband, they won't know that pain you feel. I wouldn't want to imagine how that feels. The saddest thing I had to witness was my mom, HH, lose the love of her life, and in turn my dad lost the love of his as well. I lost my dad, and only others who lost their fathers will know how I feel, and nobody else will really understand it.

I remember just always being angry at people for no reason. I would see my mom who was in her 40's and she had her daddy, why couldn't I have mine? Family like Aunts and Uncles would try and comfort me, but in reality it would only make it worse. And the reason that was, was simply because they weren't feeling the pain I was. Whether they were saddened or not wasn't the case, but they didn't feel the pain that had taken over my heart.

I can tell you, knowing this is true, that this gets better, not always by a lot, and you'll have setbacks, we all do; but as time goes on, it gets easier. Stay with this site, cry and vent when you need to, and when you do have a good day, milk that for everything you can. You don't have to be afraid on this website, there are people here who DO know your pain, and that helps, knowing that you really aren't alone...

I wish you luck through this process and pray you will stay strong through the hardest parts of losing someone. God bless.

Jan 20, 2011
The pain of Love
by: Lee

I lost my beloved soulmate and playmate on December 3rd, 2010. Reading these stories of loss makes me realise I am not as alone as I feel. There are others who have lost their best friends, lovers, companions...SOULMATES. When you have a relationship that is close, harmonious and loving, such as I shared with my beautiful and remarkable man...no-one except those who are in the same boat of grief, sailing in an ocean of loneliness can ever understand what it feels like.

Your friends and family want to be there for you but there is nothing that anyone can do or say that will ever erase the pain. I made a promise to my man that I would live well every day
of my life till we are reunited and not allow the grief to consume me..as we always held the belief that Life is a Gift and if we weave the tapestry of our life with LOVE...that love will see us through life and beyond.

I will honour the memory of him and our love forever and that will help me to create a life for myself as if he is still here. This is what is getting me up in the morning and through each day..my man suffered a lot of pain in the last few months of his life. He rose to the challenge with Grace, Dignity, Kindness, Courage and his usual sense of humour.

In his memory I commit myself to move forward in life knowing he is with me always...and your loved ones are also with you and can live through you with the memory of all that is of LOVE. May all our hearts and souls heal until we meet again.

Jan 20, 2011
Six months
by: Judy

My darling has been gone 14 months. I remember the six months mark vividly. I thought I was doing ok, even well, and suddenly I was back to square one; tears, deeply lonely, no one interested in hearing me talk about him. This site and the wonderful people who are here kept me going through that time.

Nobody understands the emptiness and loss except someone who is on the same path. Our lives have changed in a huge way, and no one, even our closest friends and family, have had the same change. Even children experience the loss differently-"Dad" and "best friend, lover and soulmate" are two very different things.

Hang in there. Come talk to us. We really get it.

Jan 20, 2011
six months
by: Mari

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I realize you are going through so much pain. Six months is not very long and you need time to heal.
We are here for you. There so many wonderful people who care what you feel. There are many emotions to go through when you lose a loved one, anger, grief, many emotions. Life does not seem fair at times like this.

I too live in an empty house or rather a condo. My husband and I bought our condo back in 92 and now it seems huge indeed. It has been 14 months since he died of a heart condition and other issues and the loneliness has been hard to deal with. I am active in church and managing the properties here and will soon be starting another job.

The holidays were the hardest for me. I have wonderful children and 18 grandchildren and new one, my first great. So my life has been a mixture of joy and sorrow.

Please consider joining a church and staying busy. God is with you and will help you with the healing. I have come a long way because of the love and support of others and family. I miss my husband every day but am thankful for our time together. Keep posting. We care.

Jan 20, 2011
Two months for me
by: Cindy

Every word you say is me! That is why this site is so wonderful, because everyone understands how everyone else is. I feel every word you say... I am so lost in this world without the love of my life. We were married almost 35 years, would have been next month. I am so lost in the world. He took my heart to Heaven with him. I don't know why God took them away from us. I keep asking myself that too. We had such a wonderful marriage and he was so good to me. I loved him with all my heart.

I am sorry for all of us that have to endure this life without the love of our lives. Just not fair... There are so many couples out there that are not happy with each other, yet they are still together. There are so many people in nursing homes just waiting to die, yet they continue to live. I just don't understand. I guess we will never know. I pray that we can some day have a little comfort, but I know our lives will never be the same again. Almost every day tears fall... my daughter gets mad at me for taking my meds, but I can't make it through the day without them. It is so painful.

Jan 19, 2011
Six months & Jules
by: Debbie K

I lost my husband of 38 years on July 26, 2010. It was sudden and some what unexpected. Every day is a challenge. I get up not knowing if I am going to have a good or a bad day (emotionally). I am so extremely lost with out him. No one knew me as well as he did. Until just recently I too lived alone. I don't want to be alone.

At a time when you need friends and family the most, they just don't have any idea what you are going through. I have so many people avoiding me because they just don't know what to say, afraid if they say something I might fall apart. I hope I never act that way with someone who has lost a spouse. I hope from my experience I can make a difference, even if it is a tiny difference.

Life is over, the way we knew it. Life is not over, now we have a brand new life (trust me, I don't want the brand new life but what are you going to do?), all for a reason. Who knows what lies ahead? I don't want to fall in love again, I don't think I could handle losing my "other half" again. But maybe I will meet some one who will sort of fill that void, who knows.

So that is all we can do, take it one day at a time. If you have a good day, thank God. If you have a rough day, ask God to help get you through this trying time. One of the things I cling to is knowing some day me & John will be together again.

Jules, I understand exactly how you feel because I am there too. Take it one day at a time..............

Jan 19, 2011
7 Weeks for Me
by: Trish

I wake up in the morning and for about 2 minutes I have to think...........then it hits me. I'm alone. My husband is not coming back. I still have a message from him on my cell phone that I play over and over again. The sound of his voice both kills me and comforts me. It's so strange. I know he isn't coming back but I still have to remind myself occasionally that he's gone. Part of me still wants to ask him what he would like for dinner.

I'm still in the early grief stage so I'm not even thinking about moving forward with my life right now. I'm learning to live without him~not doing very well. Everything I did for 37 years involved him. I was a child of 21 when we got married. I grew up with him. I don't even know how to just be without him.

My house is empty, my heart is empty, my future seems empty. I pray and pray for strength but it's eluding me right now. I have so much to do and no desire to do it. Yeah~move on. Move on to what?? I had the best as far as husbands go and I won't settle for less. I have no desire to move on right now . For now~I'm stuck~I'm breathing. That's the best I can do for now.

Hugs and blessings to you. We are all in this together~all here for each other.

Jan 19, 2011
Your right...
by:

People say things attempting to comfort you. Nothing will though. I remember the 6 month mark being especially lonely and quite horrible.

It does get better, The process is slow. Too Slow with all the backward steps that we take while trying to move forward.

I am a mature griever. That is I personally am
immature, wanting what I cannot have. But that is normal. I do not want this New Normal. It is to me as hard as initial grief it self. Being without the very one that made you YOU.

Your best bet is to keep coming here. We really do understand. People will tire of you saying the same things over and over. Unable to really describe the pain that you feel. Emotionally and physically it really is a wallop. And one that certainly does not heal, nor does One just "get over it" We adjust, as much as we do not want to. There is no other way out of grief except to make a new life for ourselves.

One day you will hear yourself making the oddest noise and realize that you are laughing. And it will be a real laugh not the pasted smile that we put on. It feels good and that is the beginning of our new life.
Good Luck...
HH

Jan 19, 2011
The sound of deafening Silence
by: Colleen

Waking up in the morning is the worst, When I first wake up just for a second I think all is well then the realization hits all over again that I am alone and then the pain sets in. I too am going through the motions, it is not a life but an existence. At the end of the day I am so relived that the day is over and I do not have to use all my strength pretending that all is well. When I get home the sound of deafening silence is depressing. Why bother to get supper when you have eat it on your own.

You are so right no one can replace your soul mate.

Jan 19, 2011
six months
by: jules

I know what you are missing, because I am missing it too - this has to be the loneliest feeling in the world - I feel so alone and in despair, my husband has been gone 14 months today. Previously on here I had written a blog called "the shell on the outside" - well that shell is still firmly in place - and underneath is still the same fragile emotion I was feeling all that time ago.

I feel I have no-one that I can talk to who will understand the gut wrenching feeling of being alone, totally responsible for yourself, no physical, emotional or financial support, that jumps up to bite me, usually just when I think I am doing okay.

I have a great daughter and son, and some good friends, but I know they think I am doing okay, they have their own lives to lead, and I don't want to burden them with my woes. Yes, I know they would listen, but I also know that they wouldn't understand.

So I just carry on, repairing the cracks in the shell, being happy, on the outside, because what else can I do?

So, yes, I know how you feel, and it is not that I don't want to live without John, it is that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want the easy companionship we had, the "just knowing" we had, the love we had.

one step, one breath
take care
jules

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