six weeks

by Zia
(Worcester Ma USA)

I am 23 years old, and happily married. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as i can remember. my husband and i never took precautions to not get pregnant... after a while of not conceiving i thought i was infertile. while battling with that I became pregnant. I was so happy and fulfilled. I quit smoking, and started really taking care of myself. my husband and i found a new spark in our relationship. one Thursday i started to feel VERY sick and became concerned. I started to bleed. an ER visit later, i found that we had lost the baby i wanted so much. I am so torn up inside. this is a depression i have never experienced in my life.
In my life i have gone from being sexually abused, to abusing drugs, come back from all of that and formed a wonderful life. now that i had a miscarriage tho...i feel like i cant come out of this depression. I am lashing out at my husband who is hurting too. i feel so alone, and reaching out has no effect. I dont know where to turn. my little baby that i will never get to meet, could have had such a wonderful life, if "God" had just given him/her a chance...
I am not coping with this well. I never really had good comping skills. this has put a wedge in my relationship with my husband, and i fear i will lose him too.

Comments for six weeks

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Apr 08, 2013
six weeks
by: Doreen U.K.

Zia after reading your post for another time I realised your irrational outbursts and your erratic behaviour is consistent with someone who has faced sexual abuse. Your best way forward is to work with a psychologist/counsellor and grieve this loss amongst the loss of your unborn baby and the other losses you will realise whilst in counselling. You won't be able to move forward from this loss until you deal with the sexual abuse. You may thing you are not going through this but it is only when you have a baby that other memories may re-surface and affect your relationship with your baby and also your marriage. Triggers take place all the time. on going depression is also a symptom of sexual abuse victims. I know of cases where after having a baby the memories of sexual abuse resurfaced and caused problems where a mother rejected her baby after he was born and she couldn't understand why? She didn't want to reject her child but a trigger in her caused this. The child suffered and grew up with depression and felt suicidal. Feeling suicidal is also a symptom of sexual abuse. Better to deal with the counselling first and then have the baby. This is the right way forward otherwise when the damage is done emotionally it is harder to rectify. Some things can't be put right. But to grieve the loss of your childhood through sexual abuse is important. It is important to work through the anger and not let it destroy you or a marriage. I hope things get better for you in the future and you go on to have your babies and a healthy marriage.

Apr 08, 2013
by: Hilary

I’m so sorry for your loss. As I feel there is little anyone can say to help your pain, I thought I’d share what helped me, in hopes that maybe some of it could help you. I too had a miscarriage very early in my pregnancy (5w,4d). A miscarriage is so isolating because women don’t talk about it that much, and very few people can offer the kind of support that is needed in this delicate situation. There is no right way to try to get through your pain, but I think it is important to find something to help you cope. It could be anything. Eat junk food for a while, find someone you trust to confide in, go on grief message boards and share your pain, exercise, take medication, etc. Also, accept your feelings. It is ok to be mad at the world, to hate pregnant women and their babies. When I had my miscarriage, I just wanted to die. I held myself responsible, even though there was nothing I could’ve done. I decided to write a letter to myself about my feelings. You could also write a letter to your lost baby.

My husband was great, but he was hurting too, as I’m sure yours is. I think it is important to realize what a hard spot husbands are in in this situation. He needs to be there for you, but he has his own grief that he might not be able to express. Bottom line is this. You need each other. You said you were happily married before you lost the baby, so please don’t let your loss create a wedge in your loving relationship. Comfort each other because you both are in a world of hurt right now.

Take time to grieve, then start to make a plan. You have to keep going, even if you don’t want to. I miscarried in late October, and was a mess until around January when I decided to start getting my life back in order. I talked about my grief with a therapist which really helped, and started exercising. There is something very powerful in knowing you can take charge of your life, and overcome adversity.

Time does help, but you will always be sad about your loss. Have hope that things will get better in the future. A future pregnancy won’t replace your loss, but it might help take away the pain when you are ready. And lean on your husband. Reconnect with him and help each other through this rough patch. One of the hardest things for me was the why part. Why did this happen to me? Miscarriages are a lot more common than people believe. They mainly occur because something genetically wasn’t right, and the pregnancy wasn’t meant to be. This statement is not all that comforting immediately after your loss, but as I’ve heard it more and more over the months since I’ve miscarried, it seems to give me a little more peace about my tragedy. Just realize that it wasn’t your fault, and you have nothing to be ashamed about. It might feel like life will never get better; that is very understandable. But it will eventually. Don’t underestimate your strength and resilience (even if you don’t see it in yourself now, it is there). Take care.

Jul 16, 2012
six weeks
by: Doreen U.K.

Zia I am sorry for the loss of your unborn baby.
You really need to consider grief counselling. You will not be able to handle this grief on your own. Especially as it is affecting your relationship with your husband. Losing a baby is one of the most traumatic experiences a woman can go through. Please consider counselling. Don't wait too long as it just may cause you more problems. You will soon be able to grieve in a healthy way and your emotions and feelings will improve and you may just improve your relationship with your husband. Sadly men suffer also and they can't handle any difficulty at this moment. You both need to pull together and not apart. But sadly in grief the opposite happens. Reach out to other people for support. I wish you both every success choosing a good counsellor and also in trying to pull together to make this relationship work and also to go on and have other babies. Don't give up.

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