My dear dear boy, age 19, left us March 29, 2013--two months tomorrow. He had struggled with a drug addiction for several years, had attended rehabs, and would have stopped...if only he could. Methamphetamine got it's hands around his neck and never let go. As with many drug addicts--something you would only know if you knew them--Vaughn was the sweetest, smartest, kindest, most spiritually minded person you could hope to meet. And so handsome--like a blonde Jesus--girls loved him! I don't know why I get so stuck on his physical beauty--I just can't believe it's gone from this world. He didn't choose his illness/addiction; he tried drugs to escape the pain he felt after his father died, and he turned out to be in that percentage of people who become addicted. And for that he suffered horribly and then paid the ultimate price. And now what? I suppose time will eventually numb the pain a little. But I don't even really want that, because each day takes me further away from him. My memory of him now is so sharp, but I know it will dull--we will gradually leave him behind. I can't bear the thought of that. He will never turn 20, never discover his talents and place in the world, never have children. Never know how many people love him and miss him. He was so kind to all--to everyone except himself. Of course I go back and pick apart everything I did wrong...why didn't he love himself? Was I too critical? And yet we were close, through everything. No one will miss him the way I do. I will miss him forever. And...I will go on. I will even be happy. It would not honor him to destroy my life as well. And it wouldn't set a good example for my daughter. So I have to be strong, even while the maelstroms of grief are scouring my soul.

Comments for s.jane.f

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Jun 09, 2013
beautiful boys
by: s.jane.f

Margery--I'm so sorry for your loss as well. It is somewhat comforting, though, to know people can understand about the awful journey of watching your child struggle with addiction and then finally lose all hope. As worrying as my son's life was, I always believed there was still hope as long as he was alive. Hope has now been extinguished--so hard to come to terms with. Like you, I believe I owe it to myself and my son to continue to live--he was such a loving boy-man, I know he wouldn't want me to give up. I truly wish you all the best, and even from this dark pit I believe there will be good again.

Jun 07, 2013
Lost son 3/2/2013
by: Anonymous

That was like I wrote it. My son died from heroin and like your boy he was so kind and handsome and the best son any mother could have. Rehabs and sober houses and micromanaging nothing worked in the end. We had lovely boys it seems that there is a certain sensitivity and kindness that addiction prey's upon. I am so sorry for your loss and like you I blame myself what did I do or not do, but the more I do that the more I see that it is just simply the demon Addiction it was like watching an anorexic starve themselves to death, absolute madness and a loss of this nature is full of remorse and guilt. We owe it to our son's to love ourselves they loved us so much and we did the best we could within a complicated and grueling set of circumstances. I am so sorry.

May 29, 2013
similar pain
by: s.jane.f

Kass and Kate--I know you must be feeling much of the same pain I am, so my heart goes out to you. Our children were each so individual, so beautiful, and their loss is so personal to us. And yet we suffer similarly. The pain is excruciating, yes, sometimes it feels unbearable. Yet somewhere deep, deep under it I am resolved to go on. No matter how I suffer it will not bring him back. Right now I am just focused on trying to believe it, accept it. That itself is very difficult.I'm not there yet, partly because acceptance hurts so terribly--I can only let it in in little chunks. But...I know people who are living, even happy again after losing a child, and I MUST believe my life is worth living. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts--it really does help. I will think of your dear children.

May 28, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

I understand the pain shock devastation and anguish the death of a child brings. I lost my son 6 months ago. Never will I be the same. I go on with divine help. I come here to know I can survive because others do. We mourn together. Caring thoughts for you in the hard journey.

May 28, 2013
I am in your same shoes
by: Kass

My beautiful daughter left this world in September 2012, 8 months ago suddenly without warning. We will never know what killed her even though the toxicology report said Morphine. She was on many prescription meds for anxiety, depression, asthma and all the stuff that a 22 year old cannot cope with in life. The toxicology report mysteriously did not list the drugs that the clinic at her University gave to her 8 hours before she slipped into a coma for 32 hours and then passed away alone. We will never know.
The pain is unbearable when we loose our child. It is not supposed to happen this way. All we can do is cry it out every time the emotions arrise. We feel this void in our life and it is so painful. I wish I had answers but I do not. My daughter did drugs as well and hid that from us. Our children are preyed upon by the pharma culture of drugs and we cannot be there 24/7 to monitor everything for them. It is a sad culture that makes pharma drugs available to children in the name of greed. So many of our children have passed away before their time. My heart goes out to you. I cry every day and my life will never be the same. I will keep your boy in my prayers. I am told I should not blame myself, but you know we do this anyway. We cannot help it. It is so senseless and tragic. I wish you well on this journey. Love and blessings always.

May 28, 2013
by: s.jane.f

Thank you Doreen, Debbie, and Anonymous for your responses. It feels good to know people understand. No, i'm sure my son didn't take his life--I spoke to him the day before, and he said, "Don't worry mom, it would have to get way worse before I'd do that." Plus I know he would have given me a clue and probably left a letter--he was quite the writer. You're right that we live a world with lots of influences and we can't control or take the blame for everything that happens--I need a reminder of that sometimes. I do think it's often the sensitive ones who are vulnerable to drugs--and they are treated so hashly by society. Yes, I think I need to make more of an effort to keep busy, otherwise I find myself thinking, what's the point of doing anything? I'm so sorry for all of your losses, and yes, Anonymous, I totally relate to that desire to go back in time and somehow save him. But didn't we try and try all along? Maybe without our efforts it would have happened even sooner. I agree that sometimes the drugs just have too strong a hold. I will hold all of you in my heart.

May 28, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Vaughn to an untimely death. WE rear our children and hope we did a good job. But remember parents aren't perfect. WE live in a very complex struggling world and as parents we do our best. Don't look for failings in yourself for the loss of your son. Our children are exposed to the environment where temptations are all around them. Then there is peer pressure. WE rear our children to become Adults and then WE have to let them go. To live their own independent lives. WE can't be caretakers to our adult children and we cannot re-parent them. They would rebel against this authority.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 1yr. ago to a deadly cancer caused in the workplace. When he cut asbestos he didn't know that the fibres would lodge in his lungs and 40yrs. later a slow growing tumour would take his life to a terminal cancer. Aggressive, inoperable, and incurable. WE go through life and don't even know what harmful substances are in the atmosphere we are breathing in. WE just go on with the job of living. My daughter worked for the Ministry of Defence and worked in a dusty atmosphere with an asbestos roof. Will she end up dying with the same disease her father died of??? I am of an age where I won't be here to know. But it does concern me. I put certain things in place for her before I die. WE will always worry about our children no matter what age they are.
I know how you feel. Never seeing your son marry. Have children. Hold down a job and excel in life. I ponder on the same things my husband is missing. e.g. his two grandchildren. How can we enjoy life with the loss of the one's who made life worth living? But as you say. You have to honour the one you have lost by living for the one's left. I have to live for my Adult children so they know I care and I am doing all I can to be in their world for them. This is all we can do as a Mom. We have our limitations. I pray that God gives you the strength and the Hope to get beyond this part of grief that is assaulting you.

May 28, 2013
Dont give up
by: Debbie

I hate that you are going through this. I would not wish this on my worse enemy. Did your son terminate his life or did the drugs. My son is also afraid of losing his memory of his dad who passed away 2 years ago to prescription drugs combining fatally and went to sleep & lost oxegyn. Even though time will ease the pain. Your memory of him will never go away. Do you have a husband to lean on. My brother killed himself on my mom's birthday and she is gone 7 months now. We did not have a mother/daughter relationship. I miss having a mom to talk with and make things better, like you did for your son. Know that God has a plan and knew the plan way before it happened to you & your beloved son. Hold on to hope that your plan will come to pass and that your son had a good life when he was here. And you did the best you knew how. Do you have other children. If you do talk to them, get close to them, lean on them. They will learn from this. God loves you and wont put on you more than you can bare. He comes awfully damn close though. I am here for you. And it does suck. I miss my husband so much, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back. I just go on loving my self forgiving myself and loving those around me. Take care. Exercise, Lean on God and stay busy. Antidepressants helped me. Effexor was the best for me and I am still depressed but staying busy helps after you survived the "I dont want to.........s" They suck too.

May 28, 2013
response to s.jane.f
by: Anonymous

My son died just a couple of weeks before your son. My son was handsome, tall and athletic, and the sweetest person ever. Perhaps, the ones are more prone to addiction are just that way. My son wanted to stop, but the drugs were too much for him. I know he struggled so much, but I didn't think he would overdose. So many nights I stayed awake and worrried about him. But in the end, he died in the late morning hours. I know he didn't want to die, and I just wish we could have saved him. As everyone, I just wish I could go back in time, to before the drugs, and make him go in another direction. We tried so hard, and I think he did too. But in some individuals, the grip is too much. Its just a matter of time.

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