Snow Snow my Ikigai

by Veronica
(Palm Springs, CA)

Snow on front table

Snow on front table

Snow Snow aka Boobaloo was my Ikigai (the reason for which we wake up in the morning)was hit by a car at 9:30 AM on December 12th 2011 and died at the Vet's office at 10:20. It was my fault that she got hit by the car although people try to tell me it was an accident. But accidents happen because people do stupid things and I did a very stupid thing that morning. Our typical routine was to go to an empty lot across the street from our house. There I would read the paper, sometimes with Snow in my lap if she wasn't chasing the birds. This morning was no different except our reading time was interrupted by a call from my cousin. After speaking with my cousin I picked up Snow and went back to the house to get ready for work. Snow got a bite to eat and then went out the cat door into the back yard. I saw her run across the yard and knew that she most likely was going to climb her favorite tree and then walk along the wall to sit on our pillow cabinet to watch the birds. When I was ready to leave I went out to bring her in but she wasn't on the cabinet so I went back over to the lot to look for her. I remember thinking that my shoes were getting dirty due to looking for the little stinker. I didn't see her in the lot so I went back to the house to look for her. I went into the back yard and called to her. I heard a car go by and heard a bumping sound and thought it was a strange sound. I then heard a car change its course but thought nothing of it. I went out to the front again to go back to the lot and that is when I saw her lying in the street. I called out her name and she lifted her head to look at me. I ran over to her and picked her up, there was a bit of blood on the ground but I was praying that she was OK. I rushed with her into the house for my car keys and then rushed to the vet which is only about three miles away. The poor little thing was coughing up blood and I begged her to hold on. At one point she gave out a painful little cry which actually sounded like ouch and looked at me. I tried to clear the blood from her little noise hoping that would help her to breath. When we got to the vet they immediately took her in and I begged them to save her. The vet said she had a severe concussion and potentially internal bleeding. He said it could be very expensive to save her. I told him I didn't care what is cost he had to try to save her. I'm not convinced that he did anything outside of giving her a shot of pain killer because he came back in moments later to say the humane thing would be to let her go. I begged him to bring her to me so that I could say goodbye. She was still breathing so I whispered in her ear that I loved her and she started purring. The doctor said she was gone but I know that I heard her little heart beating. He asked me if I wanted her cremated and I said no I would take her home with me. He said he would put her in a plastic bag so that she wouldn't soil my clothes! I told him I would just take her wrapped in a towel, that she wasn't garbage. I took her home and held her in my arms for the next hour just walking her around all the places she used to play. She was only 4 1/2 years old and she was my constant side kick. I called her to her death. Had I just looked a little harder for her when I was across the street and not called her from the backyard she would still be alive. She usually came when I called her so how stupid could I be to call her from the backyard?? We live on a street that is supposed to be a 25 MPH but the car that hit her was going at least 40 MPH and I keep thinking that if they had been going slower that one more second would have allowed her to get across the street. This has devastated me. I look for her every morning when I wake up and she's not there. Everywhere I look in the house is a place that she would normally be. When I showered she would stick her head in, when I brushed my teeth she would jump up to sit and watch me and then drink from the sink. When AI came home from work she would come running talking the whole time. I can't accept the fact that I will never see her or hold her again and it's all due to my stupidity. I wanted to grow old with her. I used to say that if I could put her in a backpack I would, just to have her with me. My husband keeps telling me I have to move on but I can't seem to get that morning out of my mind. Every time I hear a call go by I cringe. When I drive to work I drive the same way I drove that day and it's just painful. I have two other cats, Missy Moo and Tige that were from the same litter (they were ferals that we took in)and they have become clingy and I try to be as playful as I was in the past but I still can't go into the backyard without breaking down.
I have started a journal to write down all the things we used to do together because I hate to think that one day I won't be able to remember her walk or her meow or the way she played with everything she could get her paws on. She most the most special spirit I have ever encountered and she's gone.

Comments for Snow Snow my Ikigai

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Dec 13, 2012
My Little Boo
by: Veronica

My little Boo Boo - today is one year since you died. I miss you so much. I look at you and my heart breaks at the thought that you were robbed of your life and that I don't have you in mine anymore. Every day when I drive to work I re-live that dreadful day and every night when I pull into the driveway my heart sinks knowing that you won't be there waiting for me. Missy Moo and Punk have gotten much closer and have become real mushes; they both sleep right next to me now. I have pictures of the three of you lined up between my legs, if only it was true. I think back on how selfish I was always wanting you to be with me even when we went to Paso Robles. You were not happy in fact you were scared of being in the RV but you were my good little girl and tried your best to be brave. Oh Snow if I could just have you every night in my dreams perhaps the pain during the day would lessen but I guess I don't deserve to have that joy.

I'm sorry Boo. I tried to keep you safe but I failed and I will never forgive myself for that. Know that I love you and wish for the day to come when I will see you again.

Momma

May 11, 2012
May Snowy RIP
by: Sandy

Dear Veronica,
I was really touched reading the blog on Snowy who was really a very cute fur baby who never deserved and end in this manner.Most of the motorists hardly care about the life of an animals though there are some kind hearted ones also. Any way whatever is destined to happen will happen . It is not in our hands No words can describe the loss of one's pet. I too lost my Poochie girl (Read Blog:-Like a flash of lightning she came...)and not a single day has passed without thinking of her. I keep muttering her names and pet names thinking she is hearing me from heavens.
You are very kind hearted as I have often read about your condolences to grieving pet parents. Only such people realise the agony of losing one's pet. Others mock at our plight saying that we are insane . May God give you strength to bear the grief of losing Snowy and let it RIP

Apr 30, 2012
My little Boo
by: Veronica

Hey Boo,

Its been twenty-one weeks since I lost you forever. I still can't get thru the day without crying for you. I hate the backyard because you're not there with me and it reminds me of the day you got killed due to my stupidity. I want so much to hug you again and to smell your sweet little body. I'm going to go away for awhile but I plan on going down to Alabama to pick you up and then we'll take that trip together. Thinking about it is the ony way I get thru each day.

I love you my little Boo Boo.

Apr 16, 2012
Our beloved pets
by: Chris

I know the loss of a beloved pet. I did not think it would be so hard.
I never had a pet growing up but my partner did and talked me into a dog. We had Princess for 16 years and I LOVED that dog. I never underestood the attachment people had for their pets until I had one of my own. We lost ours to old age and it was heartbreaking making the final decision to put down a member of the family that never had a bad feeling about you, who always wanted to make you happy no matter what and who was always there. We had to, in the last few months she could not walk, could not see or hear. When I came home to her you could watch as she caught my scent how she would perk up and TRY to move towards me. I had to carry her and hold her to eat, drink or go out, but in my arms she would curl up and let out a heavy sigh and would be so very content. We made the final decision and I drove to the vet knowing that we had to because her quality of life was gone. I thought that I could go to work after that but I WAS WRONG!! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I took off the rest of the day from work and we drove around the valley going anywhere but home, knowing that she would never be there again. Princess has been gone 7 years now but I can get very emotional quickly if I think about her or look through a photo book of her pictures.

The guilt that I feel about the decision we made, we decided that her time was up, that it did not happen naturally, killed me. I did not have a dream about Princess for many years. I always felt that she felt betrayed and was mad that we sent her away.
I know what you are feeling that your decisions or actions caused harm to your loved pet. Life is cruel sometimes and we cant blame ourselves. There was absolutely no malice or intent to harm in what you did.

After 3 years of no pets we finally got another one. I know that one day I will have to go through this again but the joy that they bring to your life is worth it. We all have our time and will one day leave behind loved ones who will have to move on.

I do hope that Princess and all our pets will be waiting for us on the other side - what ever that is. They are family and I could not believe that an afterlife would be enjoyable with out them being there.

Apr 16, 2012
Our beloved pets
by: Chris

I know the loss of a beloved pet. I did not think it would be so hard.
I never had a pet growing up but my partner did and talked me into a dog. We had Princess for 16 years and I LOVED that dog. I never underestood the attachment people had for their pets until I had one of my own. We lost ours to old age and it was heartbreaking making the final decision to put down a member of the family that never had a bad feeling about you, who always wanted to make you happy no matter what and who was always there. We had to, in the last few months she could not walk, could not see or hear. When I came home to her you could watch as she caught my scent how she would perk up and TRY to move towards me. I had to carry her and hold her to eat, drink or go out, but in my arms she would curl up and let out a heavy sigh and would be so very content. We made the final decision and I drove to the vet knowing that we had to because her quality of life was gone. I thought that I could go to work after that but I WAS WRONG!! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I took off the rest of the day from work and we drove around the valley going anywhere but home, knowing that she would never be there again. Princess has been gone 7 years now but I can get very emotional quickly if I think about her or look through a photo book of her pictures.

The guilt that I feel about the decision we made, we decided that her time was up, that it did not happen naturally, killed me. I did not have a dream about Princess for many years. I always felt that she felt betrayed and was mad that we sent her away.
I know what you are feeling that your decisions or actions caused harm to your loved pet. Life is cruel sometimes and we cant blame ourselves. There was absolutely no malice or intent to harm in what you did.

After 3 years of no pets we finally got another one. I know that one day I will have to go through this again but the joy that they bring to your life is worth it. We all have our time and will one day leave behind loved ones who will have to move on.

I do hope that Princess and all our pets will be waiting for us on the other side - what ever that is. They are family and I could not believe that an afterlife would be enjoyable with out them being there.

Mar 19, 2012
Hey Boo Boo
by: Veronica

Hello my little Snow Snow.

I just wanted to say I love you and miss you terribly.

Feb 29, 2012
Hey Boo
by: Veronica

Well Boo it's been twelve weeks (84) days since you were taken so tragically from me. One would think that I could have moved on with my life by now but every day is as painful as the day I held you while you passed away. I look for you every where. Not a morning nor an evening goes by that I am not in tears thinking of you. I live with you with the pictures that I have. We travel together to and from work and I realize how pathetically sad it is that all I have left is pictures of you. I always said I would put you in a backpack if I could in order to have you with me all the time but now the thought is bitter because that's what I do to have you with me. Our "time" has been reduced to pictures on my cell phone. I got this wonderful grave marker with one of your pictures etched into it but I can't bring myself to put it under your favorite tree just yet since that seems to have such a finality to it. Missy Moo and Tige have changed a bunch, Missy Moo still seems to be expecting you to jump out at her at any moment but they have both become very clingy not straying far from me, in fact they won't go outside without me. Its still too painful for me to sit out in the morning since that was our time but I am trying out of fairness to them. That big cat that jumped you one day has been coming to the bedroom door every night since you have been gone. He just sits out there crying and talking for hours. I tried chasing him away, talking to him but its strange that he is around and seems so emotional. I even thought for a moment that it was you reincarnated trying to reach out to me but I know that was just hopeful thinking.

Boo I really miss you and am so depressed without you here. I have never been a sad person but I really hurt both mentally and physically. I just keep thinking that one day it will all be ok and you'll be back and while it makes it easier to get thru the day I know it will never truly happen and I'm crushed.

Boo Boo I'm sorry I let you get hurt, I should have taken better care of you. I'll never get a second chance to do so and I'll never forgive myself for causing you pain and for your death.

I love Boo

Jan 23, 2012
So sorry...
by: Yvette

Your story was heart wrenching to read so I can only imagine how you must feel. It's important to take the time you need to grieve and the memory from that day will be with you a long time.

Try not to be hard on yourself and know your baby wouldn't want you to be sad. Do things to keep her memory alive and try to stay positive. I know it must be hard for you.

Hang in there. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

xo

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