Snow Snow my Ikigai
(Palm Springs, CA)
Snow on front table
Snow Snow aka Boobaloo was my Ikigai (the reason for which we wake up in the morning)was hit by a car at 9:30 AM on December 12th 2011 and died at the Vet's office at 10:20. It was my fault that she got hit by the car although people try to tell me it was an accident. But accidents happen because people do stupid things and I did a very stupid thing that morning. Our typical routine was to go to an empty lot across the street from our house. There I would read the paper, sometimes with Snow in my lap if she wasn't chasing the birds. This morning was no different except our reading time was interrupted by a call from my cousin. After speaking with my cousin I picked up Snow and went back to the house to get ready for work. Snow got a bite to eat and then went out the cat door into the back yard. I saw her run across the yard and knew that she most likely was going to climb her favorite tree and then walk along the wall to sit on our pillow cabinet to watch the birds. When I was ready to leave I went out to bring her in but she wasn't on the cabinet so I went back over to the lot to look for her. I remember thinking that my shoes were getting dirty due to looking for the little stinker. I didn't see her in the lot so I went back to the house to look for her. I went into the back yard and called to her. I heard a car go by and heard a bumping sound and thought it was a strange sound. I then heard a car change its course but thought nothing of it. I went out to the front again to go back to the lot and that is when I saw her lying in the street. I called out her name and she lifted her head to look at me. I ran over to her and picked her up, there was a bit of blood on the ground but I was praying that she was OK. I rushed with her into the house for my car keys and then rushed to the vet which is only about three miles away. The poor little thing was coughing up blood and I begged her to hold on. At one point she gave out a painful little cry which actually sounded like ouch and looked at me. I tried to clear the blood from her little noise hoping that would help her to breath. When we got to the vet they immediately took her in and I begged them to save her. The vet said she had a severe concussion and potentially internal bleeding. He said it could be very expensive to save her. I told him I didn't care what is cost he had to try to save her. I'm not convinced that he did anything outside of giving her a shot of pain killer because he came back in moments later to say the humane thing would be to let her go. I begged him to bring her to me so that I could say goodbye. She was still breathing so I whispered in her ear that I loved her and she started purring. The doctor said she was gone but I know that I heard her little heart beating. He asked me if I wanted her cremated and I said no I would take her home with me. He said he would put her in a plastic bag so that she wouldn't soil my clothes! I told him I would just take her wrapped in a towel, that she wasn't garbage. I took her home and held her in my arms for the next hour just walking her around all the places she used to play. She was only 4 1/2 years old and she was my constant side kick. I called her to her death. Had I just looked a little harder for her when I was across the street and not called her from the backyard she would still be alive. She usually came when I called her so how stupid could I be to call her from the backyard?? We live on a street that is supposed to be a 25 MPH but the car that hit her was going at least 40 MPH and I keep thinking that if they had been going slower that one more second would have allowed her to get across the street. This has devastated me. I look for her every morning when I wake up and she's not there. Everywhere I look in the house is a place that she would normally be. When I showered she would stick her head in, when I brushed my teeth she would jump up to sit and watch me and then drink from the sink. When AI came home from work she would come running talking the whole time. I can't accept the fact that I will never see her or hold her again and it's all due to my stupidity. I wanted to grow old with her. I used to say that if I could put her in a backpack I would, just to have her with me. My husband keeps telling me I have to move on but I can't seem to get that morning out of my mind. Every time I hear a call go by I cringe. When I drive to work I drive the same way I drove that day and it's just painful. I have two other cats, Missy Moo and Tige that were from the same litter (they were ferals that we took in)and they have become clingy and I try to be as playful as I was in the past but I still can't go into the backyard without breaking down.
I have started a journal to write down all the things we used to do together because I hate to think that one day I won't be able to remember her walk or her meow or the way she played with everything she could get her paws on. She most the most special spirit I have ever encountered and she's gone.