So Angry

by Colleen
(South Africa)

I am so angry at the world at the moment (another stage) I want to lash out at everyone for being happy. I know it is not their fault that Bruce died but I want to scream at them for being happy. Went to a friends daughters party and I had to leave early as a complete meltdown was going to happen.Someone at the party told me to hang in there as fathers day was round the corner and my daughter and I would feel better, I did lash out at her for being so insensitive I told her that Jade and I were pretending that the day is not going to happen.I am angry at god for taking Bruce from us at such a young age he was only 48. I read somewhere that God is never cruel but this feels so cruel to me. I know it is the anger talking but I need to vent.I keep asking God what I am supposed to do and all I get is deafening silence. How I wish there were answers out there it would make this road of grief so much easier (I think)

The days at work is getting better but these long lonely nights and week ends are torture. We are going into winter and the bed feels sooooooo big and cold. How I miss not having Bruce to hold and cuddle at night.

Bruce I will always miss and love you.

Comments for So Angry

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Jun 13, 2011
I Understand
by: friend not foe

I understand your anger because I am on the receiving end of that feeling. We lost our dad 6 months ago. My sister releases all her hurt, anger, and hatred on me. While I know your pain since I suffered from lose too, I dont understand people taking their feelings out on me. Please think of those you are hurting, they may just have the same feelings too and may be a source of comfort.

Jun 07, 2011
Anger is Normal -
by: Dakota Blues

I am so sorry for your loss. Death really stinks. Big time. My daughter died 3 years ago. - Suicide. We had no idea what was in her head. She had just turned 25 years old.

I actually felt God's hand on my heart, for a few brief moments, upon learning that she was dead. Of course, I spun out of control for the next three years and anger was on my grief radar. If you read anything on the Stages of Grief - anger is a part of it. I don't think there is any way around anger, either...but to walk through it.

I started journaling in a word doc. I had read to just - "write it out." And, keep writing it out every day for 10-15 minutes. Don't think about what you are writing, or keyboarding - just get it out - for as long as it takes. That may be a few weeks, months or years. One day you will lay it down. Resolve some of that anger. Your body will tell you when you are putting the anger down. I came to the point where I knew I couldn't change the outcome of the anger tapes running in my head. I couldn't change anything about her death.

I believe God grieves deeply for us. I believe He grieved deeply for our loved ones. He would not have sent Jesus to the cross if he did not love us. God would not want any one to suffer and yet, we so live in a hurting world. It wasn't God's plan for us to suffer - but we now live in a fallen world. I am starting to realize that my life can easily be but a breath. One of my fears is that I may live too long!! Heck - I may not live through tonight!

The past few months I have finally found the faith of a mustard seed to trust that God is in control and will help carry this burden. I think I finally understand, too, that there is no way "I" can live through this pain. God simply has help me. I can't do it. The pain and suffering is way bigger than me. I still have horrible days - but finally - I have a glimpses of hope and heaven! I will not graduate from my daughters death and I have to accept "bad days" as part of the package.

I just went to a Grief Share group. I looked on their website and GriefShare.org is offered in South Africa. Google this support group. The founder of this group (Zig Ziglar) KNOWS his stuff when it comes to grief. I am very impressed with the class.

Can we [just] get through today? Yes - we can [just] get through today.

Write Out until you Lay it Down!! Hugs!!

Jun 07, 2011
I'm Very Angry
by: TrishJ

Colleen~
I too am pissed off at the world. I'm angry at my sister for pushing me to move on. I'm angry at my daughter for never wanting to talk about her dad. I'm angry at my son for acting as if Joe's death never happened. "Life is good." I'm angry that so many other people get their heart transplants and Joe died waiting.
I don't feel that life is good most days. I know I'm wallowing in self pity but that's where I am right now. I don't like feeling this way but don't know how to get out of it. This new negativity isn't me but it's what I'm dealing with right now.

I feel for you as I do all the people who post on this site. I pray for better days. Right before I fall asleep I ask God to heal the suffering of all that are grieving for loved ones. I know it's a huge request.

God bless Colleen. I'm hoping for better days for all of us.

Jun 07, 2011
Your friends mean well!
by: Juliet

Dear Colleen could never tell you how your going to feel. Lost my husband of 34 years to cancer and my 26 year old son 4 days later. This was within the last 3 weeks. My anger seems aimed more at them. I cope extremely well around others. I consider peoples remarks as caring . Im sure you've been the person trying to console another. We will never get over this but we will go on. Myself for my other 2 kids their futures and for my friends, family, and 1st and 4most ME!I love life its testing me BIG! I,m broke waiting 4 what life insurance there is , 2 funerals to pay for, but doesnt matter. I have WAAAAY to many good things I could list. I have a plan and I will wing it! Love your friends! YOU NEED THEM!!!!!! They only mean well!

Jun 06, 2011
Yes I recall that stage
by:

Colleen,

I too went through an anger stage. I was angry at everyone around me and thought how dare they be so footloose and fancy free. They had no idea what I was going through and said insensitive things like the Fathers Day remark. I would have gone off too. I'm sure they stood bewildered. Forgive me I can not remember how long Bruce has been gone but it sounds like about 9 months or so. Leading up to the year mark it is just a matter of surviving the day and every holiday that came along every gathering reminded us of how alone we truly were.

If I sound a bit looney please excuse me, I just woke up from a 2 or 3 hour nap having had a rough but passable day myself. Today is one and a half years for me and I thought I was pretty much squared away living this new life. I guess even when we get use to it there will be rough ones now and then.

Accept the roller coaster of emotions but figure out when you are being sensitive and when others are being insensitive. I guess we are supposed to keep it in when they say such things but personally I do not have a problem teaching them a lesson on manners and did lash out from time to time quite calmly too. Not like me to be mean or vindictive the insensitivity and dumb things they say get to you after a while and perhaps they are unaware as they know not what they say.

Any way keep on keeping on girl I know that it is hard, come here any time to vent. It seems to help calm down the storms within. And also helps us think things through...
HH

Jun 06, 2011
so sorry
by: Colleen

Colleen, My name is collen too. 37 days ago my son (John) died from angiosarcoma, he was sick 4 weeks and came home to die for the last 18 days, so I watched him suffer and take his last breath. I am pretty angry too, it really isn't fair. Today at work my co-worker was complaining because her 17 year old wanted to go live with his dad, she said she was sick of feeling this way. I hope she never has to feel what you and I feel everyday.
Mu son was 40, he has three brothers so now I am writing them each a letter telling them how much they mean to me and not to let grief and sadness for me when it is my time to destroy them. It is ok, for me to go , I am the parent and I will be with John again.
I am truly sorry for you and this hell you have to endure, I will include you in my prayers

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