So Heartbroken

by Carol , Seans mom
(Bellingham, mass)

Hello. My name is Carol. I am Sean's mom. It has been about 11 weeks since my son did not wake up for work. He was 24. He was the oldest of three children and my only son. The last few months have been absolutely earth shattering. I still can't believe it. I would say Depression has set in. Sean would call or text me every morning or so when he would get out of work. He worked the overnight shift. When he called or if he didnt I called him it was right after I dropped his 15 year old sister off at school. Sean was a quiet but serious young man. He expected a lot of himself. I always told Sean, be patient with yourself you are young,you have time. I am haunted by those words. I truly thought he had a life time left. I wonder if he is ok. Is he scared and lonely? I know I am. I wish I could of told him one more time how much I love him and that I couldnt imagine my life with out him. I am sure I did probably say that when he was here because my children knew they were my world. He told me I bragged about them to much,but he always said it fighting back a smile. Even with mistakes that they make along the way,who doesnt,I told them all the time they were everything to me. Who takes a child away from a mother who lives for them. Sean told me more than once he could not wait to be a dad some day. I told him he would be a great dad. I never imagined that day would never come. How are we suppose to just figure all this crap that was handed to us out. I feel like someone dropped all kinds of stuff all over me and said now figure this out. The pain and heartbreak of missing him has paralized me somedays. My heart is very heavy. I am trying to be strong for his two sisters. They did not ask for this either. They still deserve a mom. So I try. I quietly roam threw life now wondering what is the purpose of all this and why do some people have to have so much pain in their world. I went from feeling like one of the lucky ones to one who has pain and heartbreak forever. I just dont get it.

Comments for So Heartbroken

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Feb 10, 2012
My heart goes out to all of you
by: marion leach

My heart goes out to each and everyone going through a loss.I am going through a loss with my son and granddaughter.You are not alone if you need someone to talk to please email .Maybe we can help each other.

Feb 09, 2012
life is useless
by: Anonymous

Hi Carol,
I lost my son 7 months ago and he was turned 23 just after his death. Even though 7 months have passed I am still in pain and sorrow. I am just like you Carol. I love him so much and he loved me so much. I live for my children. They are my whole world. I could not imagine a life without them. He is the eldest of my two sons and now i have only one son. Once I thought the same way as you did that I am very lucky to have two wonderful children, but now I am thinking why I am so unfortunate to lose my precious son. My pain and sorrow is too much and I am even unable to put that into words. As the time goes by, people don't want to talk about him too. But to me, I cannot forget him, his fond memories even for a moment. He is always in my mind. Wherever I go, what ever I do he lives in my heart forever and his memories will be with me forever. I know that I have to live for my other son and I have to be strong for him. That is the only hope in my life now.

Feb 09, 2012
My son Brendon
by: Vicky

Hi Carole, I have messaged you before about my son Brendon he was 26 and he died on the 4th of December after a motor bike accident, it has been so hard going on and you wonder what the point is,their is a group of people called"Compassionate Friends" they are world wide, I live in Brisbane Australia I am going to my first meeting next Tuesday I am told they are really good just a group of parents that have lost children of all ages, there may be a group near you it may help you.I still cannot return to my work, I have panic attacks and worry that something is going to happen to someone else I love, the pain from loosing Brendon is still unbearable at time. He was a builder and was always wanting to change our house I would say to him when I die it will belong to you kids you can do it then, I never thought that he would leave me first he was the light of my life. They say the pain gets better I hope it dose soon for both of us.

Feb 09, 2012
Lori's Mom
by: Anonymous

One thing I know is that we will never make sense out of our children's passing. It just doesn't and don't think it ever will.

Feb 09, 2012
I get it!
by: Molly

Hi Carol, I so get what you are going through, My son passed away July 18 2011 and my world has been empty and lacking meaning. I am a single mom so it is really hard to think all the talks we had about his future and the teasing about the grandkids will never come true. I told my son I loved him everyday and showered him with affection. I just adored my son and like you I would brag about him all the time, he was humble and would act shy but like your Sean I saw him smile too. I often wonder if my pain is worse because I just had the one child but you know it really doesn't matter no-one wants to lose any of there children and although you love your other children of course you will be shattered at the loss of your son. All I can think to say to you is please continue to be strong for your girls I know it's hard but they will need you even more and they are grieving too. Its really complicated because if you grieve too much it seems like you love your girls less but I know it's not true it is just a big challenge to draw into your self and still give at the same time when all you may feel like doing is staying in bed and crying. I at least get to do this but it is still very lonely and I often wish to have someone else to cry as much as I have for my son to feel the pain just as deeply, it just shows no situation where there is loss would ever be ok or manageable. Please email me if you want to talk, and remember to take time to mourn and talk about your loss. It feels weird for me to tell you this as I am still so shattered but it helps to try and help someone else. Be Well

Feb 09, 2012
by: Debbie

I am so sorry for your pain in losing your son. The end of this month marks the day my husband of 14 years went to sleep & never had brain waves again. We have a 7 year old & a 10 year old. I didnt think I would be able to have joy again, but every day it gets better. I still miss him terribly but I try to surround myself with people even if I dont feel like it. I just want you to start reading positive, encouraging things on the internet like Joel Osteen (minister). He is so uplifting & just read the bible phrases & all the positive things you can read. Make it a daily ritual. Just know that your son no longer has to fight the battles of this life & that he is so happy in Heaven with Jesus & all the family that went there before him. He is full of joy every single minute & in Heaven I believe that is the only emotion they have. No more sorrow or crying. I will be praying for you & know that he will be a DAD & have a family in Heaven. All of his dreams can come true in Heaven. Faith is what you have to hold on to even though you feel like life is crumbling. Its only going to get better. The Lord makes everything work together for good & someone needs you now more than ever. It may be your girls or someone you havent met yet. But hang in there. I am here for you, you are not going through this alone. I love you & feel your pain. Love Debbie

Feb 09, 2012
by: Anonymous

Hi just read your post, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can not even imagine what you are going through, I lost my 3 year old grandson exactly one month ago, I too question god as to why take a child who had his whole life ahead of him. I try to make sense and some people say I ask too many questions but, I want answers. It seems like your family was very close and how you described your son I can feel the love you had for him. I ask myself daily would my fun loving grandson like to see his grandma cry daily or would he want me happy. I imagine if you would ask your son that he would not want to see him mom cry and be upset. like you I have to be strong for my children ages 6, 15 and Landon's daddy 27. while I try to grieve and give them strength. I do wish you peace and hoping it gets better daily, there are no words to take the pain away all I can offer is to listen if you would like to talk/write. Praying for your family and mine. Ann

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