So Lost...

by Christine
(Woburn Ma)

13 days ago I lost the love of my life. I am so lost right now.

We met on line and knew each other for only 1 week and we both knew it was perfect true love in that short of time. We met in March 2009, were engaged in July 2009 and married November 2010. Bill passed away 2 days shy of our 6 month wedding anniversary.

I had the most amazing, wonderful, true, pure love in that 2 years and 6 weeks. I am so blessed to have had Bill in my life. Every one I spoke to since the day I met him right thru the funeral services told me what a gentle, loving, caring man he was and how much he loved me and how I changed his life. Made him truly happy.

I have been focusing on those remarks and thoughts since the worst day of my life.

I truly believe Bill is with God now. I truly believe that God blessed this earth with an angel and now has called him home.

When I asked my Dad "Why Bill?", he said that maybe God decided that to call Bill home before he faced a tragedy of some sorts. Maybe God decided Bill had led a wonderful life full of generosity and love and caring that he should be rewarded by going home before tragedy struck and hurt him.

I find comfort in that. For some unexplained reason it makes sense to me.

People are telling me to return to my normal life...what I finally realized was that my normal life included Bill in so many ways. I have to "re-create" a normal life and that is where I am lost.

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Aug 19, 2011
Finding my way!
by: Christine

It's been 3 months and 2 weeks. I find the path to my future a little clearer but the pain still remains.

I remember reading a post on here a few months ago about the pain is always there that we just learn to navigate around it and that is what I'm doing. I don't know why but the past few days when I mention him I cry...and I can feel that pain as much as ever.

I met someone on line recently to talk to and we hit it off. I find myself looking at him but seeing Bill and knowing he is just a substitute...I can not live like this. Will I ever see another man in my life for himself not as a substitute? Will I ever put my heart back together enough to even try to love someone else with out the fear of him dying on me? Will I ever love someone else?

I am struggling with these questions right now. It's awful.

I know in my heart that Bill would want me to go find someone but can I? Will I ever be able to?

My therapist told me that I am on a path also known as my life, and I had an avalanche and it blocked the path on May 5th. Now it is up to me to pick up each boulder no matter how large or small and move it out of my way so that I can continue...

So for now its one day at a time, one hour at a time, one boulder at a time...

Jun 06, 2011
One month and one day...
by: Christine

It's been one month and one day and the pain is still so unbearable. I can actually go for a period of time with out crying but then something happens and I reach for the phone to tell him...and it floods back again.

I honestly feel like I am having chest pains most of the time...I feel like something is crushing my heart.

Yesterday was one month and I went about my errands and then worked a bit but don't remember the day...all I remember is walking around in a fog...sooo lost.

I keep thinking I wish I would die so I could see him again. People ask what they can do for me and unless they can bring him back...there's nothing anyone can do.

I found myself sobbing this morning asking why him God, why me God, why us? We had just found each other and started our lives together.

It sucks...that's the simplest way to put it and I am so lost, unhappy, sad, I can't bear it anymore.

It's true what they really find out who your true friends are in a time like this...most of mine were kind to come the wake but I have not heard from them since...the few that do call I hate to depress by crying all the time so I put on a strong face and talk about the weather...

When is it ever going to be easier? Will this pain ever subside? Go away?

I miss him sooo much its unbearable!

May 26, 2011
Trying to figure it out
by: Christine

Well it's been 21 days and I'm still lost. I am reading more and more on here and seeing how others have taken or are on this journey and I see it's not as hopeless as I think sometimes. It's an inspiration to me.

Sometimes I start to feel guilty for moving forward in such a short time but I remember we both moved forward in our lives and I know he wants me to be happy again someday and I know he wants me to keep moving. I have turned to my friends and they have been amazing.

I have crossed the first hurdle and contacted an estate many things are popping up about him that I didn't know or did I? I am having some confusing thoughts and trying to process all that with my already broken heart...I know and keep telling myself it's not bad it's how he was and now I have to follow thru with his wishes and dreams and continue on for both of us!

one hour at a time!

May 19, 2011
still lost.
by: Christine

Today is just as hard as yesterday with more questions than answers. I am torn between wanting to run away and hide and knowing I have to do certain things. I don't know...

I go from sadness to loneliness to anger is seconds and its overwhelming.

May 19, 2011
So lost
by: M Mack


I am so sorry for your loss. It's a terrible journey going through the grief process and it has many ups and downs. You need time to get through this and you will find a variety of emotions coming through. I like the whole idea that Bill is in a better place. He will be around you for a while since true love never dies with the soul. Although you had a short time together doesn't mean any less than those who had many years. Your heart is broken either way and time does not measure love. You were fortunate to have the opportunity to know this kind of love.

Come here as often as you need to. Some read the older posts, and that helps to understand that time does help with the process. The most important thing you will find here is that you are not alone, not matter what time of day or night, you can vent and we do hear you. In a few days, I will be in the 10th month of loosing the live if my life, my soulmate. The anniversary date of his death has a black cloud over my head even though I know he's in a better place.

Take the time you need, rest, have a good cry because it can be refreshing. Your faith in God will help you and give you strength, so use it for support. My prayers for you and all of us going down this horrible path.

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