So lost...

by Daddy's little girl

I lost my Dad on April 29, 2012. My mom and I had gone out for a few hours, not knowing we would come home to find my dad the way we did. He was my biggest fan, as I was his first. We always had a connection that no one else in my family could have. I broke his heart so many times and the first tear I ever saw him shed, was for me, was a couple of years ago. As a kid, he taught me to ride my bike, play softball, math and stand up for myself, even though he did it most of the time. He was my daddy and I was his little girl. I am 27 and feel like that kid again, only because I am lost but I don't have him anymore. I have been an addict for many years and he helped me through everything. My Dad was supposed to see me complete a program in October, the one person I knew would be there when I looked in the audience as I crossed the stage, but he wasn't. He was only 60 and when he blew his last breath on my ear, it was my last breath too. I'm so empty and sad and hurt and angry, I feel like I'm losing it. He was supposed to be here for my birthday and Christmas next week. Losing my daddy was so unexpected and I feel like I should have done something. You see, that morning he told me he was going to stop eating chocolate cause he had really bad heartburn the night before. He gave me this innocent look when he said it and I should have known. I can't seem to forgive myself for not knowing or being home since I'm always home on Sundays but the one Sunday that mattered, I was gone. Being the oldest, I have had to be strong these past 7 1/2 months for my mom and sisters but I'm dying inside.

Dad, I need you right now and I wish you were here. Mom, Amy, Caroline, Brianna and Brooklyn miss you too. Caroline is getting ready to have a little boy next week and I can't imagine what she is feeling with you not being here for it. I am so grateful for everything you have done for me over the past 27 years. I love you ( this much )
You will always be in my heart and I hope standing there next to me so I can feel you.

Forever and always,

Comments for So lost...

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Dec 19, 2012
So lost......
by: Doreen U.K.

Beanie I am sorry for your loss of your Dad. I applaud you for supporting your mom and siblings. Even if you are the eldest and it is expected of you to support everyone. You are not. You have needs. Everyone has different needs even if you are all grieving. No wonder you are dying inside. You are a wounded person trying to help and support other wounded people within the family. Best thing you can do is to take yourself off to see a grief counsellor and get the support you need. IT WORKS! You will be glad you took responsibility for doing this mature thing for yourself. Then and only then will you be in a better position to support and help your siblings. You are not meant to be SUPERWOMAN. You can also encourage your mother and siblings to also seek grief counselling.
I am the middle of 5 girls and the last a brother. I was given the responsibility at the age of 14yrs. to get an education and support the whole family. 5 siblings and Mum and Dad. I was coping for a while and then got married and carried the whole mess of a breakdown into my marriage at the same time bringing up 2 children that became 3 children altogether. My brokenness I passed on to my children. I was in my 40's when I went into counselling. I had a breakdown. To have a breakdown is like being in an explosion and you are in a thousand pieces and it is so painful you can't cope and you wonder WHO is going to put you back together again. I had the best counsellor who put me back together again. I now have developed SKILLS and BOUNDARIES. Don't carry too heavy a load. Don't carry too much responsibility. We weren't meant to. We all have our LIMITATIONS. I ended up carrying everyone else's PAIN and I suffered a Boundary Injury. It is very hard to recover from this. Support your family but do it in a STRUCTURED WAY. That won't damage you. No matter how old we are we will always miss and yearn for our fathers. They are an important person in our world. AS is MOTHER'S. I hope you get the support you need to go on each day and that your whole family will also benefit from some outside support. May you be comforted in your grief and sorrow.

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