So many memories that will never be
I originally posted two months after my true love Mickey died. We were together 15 years. It has now been six months since my world shattered. I struggle to accept that I will never see or talk to him again. We did everything together. He was so much fun to be with. He worked so hard to live, followed all the doctors instructions, lived a healthy lifestyle, and appreciated every day. Even though he was more ill the last months of his life I wasn't prepared for his death. It was so unexpected and caused by people we trusted. I pray every day that someday I can join him up in Heaven. Until then I take care of our pets, go to work, and battle the extreme sadness that each day brings when I wake and realize all over again that Mickey isn’t here.
Baseball season started last week. He just loved watching his favorite team play. I still can’t watch them or any of our favorite shows or listen to music. I have his picture up all over the house and sleep with his favorite pillow. I don’t know why he was so attached to that old pillow and he would exaggeratedly grip it when I would tease him that it might mysteriously disappear. Yard work will begin soon. In years prior to his death, we always did that as a team even while he battled his illness. Mickey would do the frontyard and I took care of the backyard. He did such a wonderful job in the front and just beamed when neighbors and strangers complimented him. Now I look at all his power equipment (i.e. I use a broom but he has to use his electric leaf blower) and it brings back all those memories of when I enjoyed life.
Our pets are grieving too. Mickey’s the one that always plays with them. The cat he was closest to has been steadily losing weight since Mickey died. Our vet can’t find anything wrong and attributes her weight loss to grief. She’s now on meds to stimulate her appetite because cats can go into liver failure if they don’t eat for several days.
I’ve been having nightmares lately. I miss Mickey’s comforting big bear hugs. Two nights ago I woke up with a start– terrified that there wouldn’t be hugs in Heaven. So at 3am I’m surfing for ‘are there hugs in Heaven’. I found a blog that said ‘yes– why wouldn’t there be hugs in Heaven’. So then I was able to go back to sleep.
I dwell on what happened to him in ICU and can’t let his suffering and death be ignored. There’s estimates of 210,000 to 400,000 deaths a year in the US from medical errors. It took a long time and a lot of work to get copies of his medical records– and I know that I still don’t have everything. Even without a medical background I’ve found so many medical errors from medicines given, procedures, lack of tests or follow-up. It shows me even more Mickey’s strong will to live. Doctors admit to the specific procedure that caused his death but won’t admit fault and didn’t even document it. I have filed complaints with any and all organizations I can find. So in a roundabout way – Mickey’s death is now documented.