So many memories that will never be

by Heidi

I originally posted two months after my true love Mickey died. We were together 15 years. It has now been six months since my world shattered. I struggle to accept that I will never see or talk to him again. We did everything together. He was so much fun to be with. He worked so hard to live, followed all the doctors instructions, lived a healthy lifestyle, and appreciated every day. Even though he was more ill the last months of his life I wasn't prepared for his death. It was so unexpected and caused by people we trusted. I pray every day that someday I can join him up in Heaven. Until then I take care of our pets, go to work, and battle the extreme sadness that each day brings when I wake and realize all over again that Mickey isn’t here.

Baseball season started last week. He just loved watching his favorite team play. I still can’t watch them or any of our favorite shows or listen to music. I have his picture up all over the house and sleep with his favorite pillow. I don’t know why he was so attached to that old pillow and he would exaggeratedly grip it when I would tease him that it might mysteriously disappear. Yard work will begin soon. In years prior to his death, we always did that as a team even while he battled his illness. Mickey would do the frontyard and I took care of the backyard. He did such a wonderful job in the front and just beamed when neighbors and strangers complimented him. Now I look at all his power equipment (i.e. I use a broom but he has to use his electric leaf blower) and it brings back all those memories of when I enjoyed life.

Our pets are grieving too. Mickey’s the one that always plays with them. The cat he was closest to has been steadily losing weight since Mickey died. Our vet can’t find anything wrong and attributes her weight loss to grief. She’s now on meds to stimulate her appetite because cats can go into liver failure if they don’t eat for several days.

I’ve been having nightmares lately. I miss Mickey’s comforting big bear hugs. Two nights ago I woke up with a start– terrified that there wouldn’t be hugs in Heaven. So at 3am I’m surfing for ‘are there hugs in Heaven’. I found a blog that said ‘yes– why wouldn’t there be hugs in Heaven’. So then I was able to go back to sleep.

I dwell on what happened to him in ICU and can’t let his suffering and death be ignored. There’s estimates of 210,000 to 400,000 deaths a year in the US from medical errors. It took a long time and a lot of work to get copies of his medical records– and I know that I still don’t have everything. Even without a medical background I’ve found so many medical errors from medicines given, procedures, lack of tests or follow-up. It shows me even more Mickey’s strong will to live. Doctors admit to the specific procedure that caused his death but won’t admit fault and didn’t even document it. I have filed complaints with any and all organizations I can find. So in a roundabout way – Mickey’s death is now documented.

Comments for So many memories that will never be

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Apr 10, 2014
so touched by your kindness
by: Heidi

Thank you everyone for all your kind replies and words of comfort. I am so sorry for the pain you are in too. I don’t know what I would do without you and this site.

Thomas – I am so sorry about your father. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. And you are right I do feel Mickey close by. Lawrence – you actually made me smile with your TV comment. Your strength is amazing. I can’t even imagine the agony you feel after so many cherished years together. It’s as if your love story continues. Doreen - I think you have found a new mission in life – an online grief counselor. You are so supportive and have helped me so many times and much more than I can ever say. And your husband knew how lucky he was to have you, his loving wife, fight so hard to help and protect him. The medical community sure does stick together. Even independent agencies will not disclose to us the detailed findings of their investigations. People would be shocked to learn (even after successful medical outcomes) what is contained in their medical records and wonder how they survived. I continue to press on so that hopefully what caused Mickey’s death will not be buried in the hospital records and maybe prevent it from happening to someone else. Debby - I feel just like you do. I never realized before how much I counted and relied on Mickey. I did reach out for help right after Mickey died. I was in shock, stunned, felt like I was out of my mind, and couldn’t have made it through his funeral without my friend who flew in from out of state. But everyone has long gone back to their own lives, so I muddle through on my own and with our pets. It does help to know that others feel like we do and so I can know I’m not crazy – just was and still am ‘grief stricken’. And Anonymous I agree, I don’t know why life has to be like this. There's so much I want to share with him. I don't want anyone else. I guess he spoiled me. I read someone's comment that said to the effect that after being together with someone so long it will take time to learn how to be on this new journey and to learn to live with this sorrow. But I just miss him so much.

You are all in my prayers; for strength and for peace.

Apr 09, 2014
The Cat
by: Debby

Dear Anonymous,
Just a little added note to let you know that I too am trying to feed a fussy cat. My husband bought "us" a kitten for Christmas, his name is Mugsy, he is a Ragdoll. Beautiful cat but only eats one kind of food at a time. So consequently, I always have at least 2 if not 3 cans open at the same time. My husband is gone 3 months today, April 9th. It is agonizing and I sometimes pray for God to take me, but it would kill my son and my mother. They are all that are keeping here. I will pray for your peace and healing.

Apr 09, 2014
Memories that will never be…….
by: Anonymous

I can't do this. I just am trying so hard like so many of you and more recently I come to this website trying to find an answer as to how I am going to get beyond this grief. I have tried counseling and groups and books and everything but drugs. I just cannot find a way through this.

Your words were so true. When you wrote of taking care of pets, work, not being able to listen to music. For me if it isn’t triggering my crying then it’s only bringing me to realize that all I am doing is forcing myself to live. I too feel such loss when I used to be part of the “team”. Heading into another year of missing my husband is getting harder to fathom how I am going to manage finding a good reason. Is life worth it without a good reason? To just exist? How many of us are there out there that are walking zombies?

And the hugs. How can I live without the hugs? I’ve met women who have found a way to reconstruct their lives after their husbands have died. How? How have they done it? I am struggling daily. I am trying to work so hard on so little fuel so my body reacts. Do I need help? The only help I want no one can give me.

I’ve managed to find a way to feed my husbands cat so she will eat. I open up three cans of different food and I let her sniff them and then when she starts eating out of one of the cans I dump it into her bowl. Sometimes she likes a little variety and she seems to love the Fancy feast so I mix that in with some Blue Buffalo. She feels the loss as much as me so I try to keep her going too.

Nothing like this should happen. There shouldn’t be this kind of sorrow. It’s just misery. 14 months and counting.

Apr 07, 2014
So sorry for your loss
by: Debby

Hello Heidi,
I can relate to much of what you have written. I feel my husband also died from a misdiagnosis and poor treatment. He should BE HERE. I'm being told that "it was his time to go". I will not accept that. I had a complete autopsy done and am currently waiting for results. I too had a bad panic attack one night right after he passed. I became so frightened all of a sudden realizing that my husband wasn't in the house that I had to go to bed and literally pull the blankets over my head. It is so hard to be in the world without our guys, isn't it! I will pray for you Heidi as I do for all the people grieving deeply for a lost loved one. It's hard to realize that all the chores that need to be on our shoulders now. I think we're suppose to reach out for help, but I personally find that so hard to do. How about you? This site has been invaluable to me, knowing that everybody feels the same level of pain. Somehow it is comforting. Anyone who hasn't gone thru it just doesn't understand. I wish you peace!

Apr 07, 2014
Deepest Sympathy
by: Lawrence

Dear Heidi
Your sadness screams out, you can’t call it pain, it’s beyond pain.
It’s only six months since your beloved Mickey died and is such early days; your grief is still so raw.
Like you, I can’t watch any TV shows that my precious wife and I used to watch together, no point in watching quiz shows when there is no one to hear how brilliant I am shouting out the answers.
No, the sunshine has gone out of our lives and the loneliness is unbearable.
Yet Heidi, above the clouds of your overwhelming sadness, the sun is still shining and the tears will lessen and as the weeks and months pass by, the clouds will slowly open to let some sunshine into your life. Although you must feel it can never happen.
It is now fifteen months since my sweetheart died and I don’t cry as often as I did and I even smile occasionally, but the heartache will never go, nor would I want it to.
I was standing in your shoes after she left me and I understand so well your anguish.
I guess I was lucky not having to see her suffer months and years of a cruel illness as you did; she died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying, painlessly I hope.
I thank God daily for the wonderful seventy years of passion and love.

I do so admire your tenacity in seeking justice for your Mickey but the medical profession watch each other’s backs as you must know by now.
Everybody on this web site cries for you and themselves at losing someone so precious.
Take care and look after yourself as Mickey would have wanted.

Apr 07, 2014
So many memories that will never be
by: Doreen UK

Heidi good to hear from you again but sorry for the painful grief you still bear.
It is coming up to 2yrs. next month that I lost my precious Steve to this deadly cancer. But I can understand your difficulties over the medical errors that you are unable to resolve. It is because of this that you are unable to move forward better, or put things to rest. I posted often of the 2005 errors to my husband having encephalitis. I can push a pen and wrote to our GP. the GP who was rude, obnoxious and failed to do her job. The practice Manager. they evaded responsibility, so took them to the Healthcare Commission, and Primary Care Trust in the U.K. It was a stressful operation. A one woman battle. I challenged their lies, and cover ups. They wanted me to sit with a panel of doctors. I declined to sit with professionals who would use medical jargon to confuse me and win their argument. To cut a long story short the Doctor did come to our home and admit responsibility saying that they only get 30 minutes training on this disease. The truth of the matter is that there are few dedicated doctors. I have waited for hours for my husband to be seen by a doctor only to find that many of the doctors are on the internet trawling on facebook and twitter and search engines. A lot of time wasting. God is watching. Often the battle is too big for us to fight all these injustices and misdemeanors. But it doesn't lessen the pain and anguish for many people like yourself who are still facing the pain on a daily basis. The minute the Doctor apologised for mistakes made was the day my anger just dissolved. I hope that you are able to get the justice for your husband and you can start to Heal. This is truly a hard journey to be on. I wake up in a panic and wonder why. All I feel is this emptiness and long road ahead. I do understand everything you say. Best wishes

Apr 07, 2014
I understand
by: Thomas

My father is dying. He has liver cancer which has spread, and he is now at home under hospice care. As I write this response to you my wife and I are waiting for "that" call. With that said, my wife mother and I did a lot of soul searching and what is getting us through this is that I know he will never really be gone. I can't explain how I know, but I know that if I talk to him my father will listen. If I am feeling sad, my father will put his calming hand on my face and I will be ok.
The same is true with your Mickey. He his by you, and can hear you. Do what you used to do with him, and he will guide you.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, and my prayers are with you and your family.

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