so many ups and downs the last month

by Donna

It has been so long since I have been able to post here, computer/internet problems, sigh. So many things have happened, one post would be too long. The ups have been that I have started smiling again, which everyone in my family says that they missed so much. It usually has something to do with my grandchildren, but its a smile none the less. I have been able to listen to music again and sing with the song. There are still so many songs that make me cry, songs that I know Bryan would like or did like. I still cry at night and sleep with his laminated obituary. I can't believe that it has been 10 months (23rd). It seems like it has been so much longer, but at the same time I wonder how in the world did I survive without Bryan for 10 whole months. It makes me sad to know that this is only the beginning of my life without Bryan. Like I said to much to post in one post. So I go one breath, one step, one day at a time until we meet again I love you Bryan

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May 28, 2011
fpr Christine
by: Mari

I am glad you found this site Christine. The people here are uplifting and kind.I have been blessed to have found it. I think it was the pastor from the funeral home who told me about it as he counseled me.

Forunately the ebb and flo of life creates changes in us. As we mature and grow older we learn to keep going. That is why we need time to heal and do what we have to do. Of course it may never be the same but we can carve some kind of life after a loss.
I look back at what I went through and can see that I have come a long way. I really believe the job I got helped and a compassionate boss, 2 bosses infact. Not only that but a loving family.
God is good no matter what happens and He is the one to give give comfort. Take care.

May 28, 2011
for Jules
by: Mari

Jules, your post gave me encouragement as it has now been 18 months for me too.I am doing well too and my husband had actually said I would be okay. The loneliness has been the hardest but I stay busy.
I did the taxes by myself two times and have my job and my family and church. I have had to make some changes. I still get phone calls from people who do not know my husband passed away so am having the number changed in about a month.It hurts my feelings when I get those calls.

Of course I miss him and sometimes it is a very strong feeling but will go on and try to remain positive as he would have wanted.
I believe it will take 2 years to get everything completely as it should be.There are always so many things to do when a loss as ours occurs. Take care. God bless you.

May 28, 2011
For Trish
by: Mari

How nice that you are moving into your own apartment. That is exciting and you will have fun fixing it the way you want. My husband and I bought our condo in 92 and here I remain as I manage here.
It does sound as if you are coming along well and I am glad to hear that. I too am doing a lot better.
I miss my husband but time has helped me accept the fact that he was very sick so God took him. I have had the support of church and family and associates at work.
I have a kitty cat named Lucy ( my dad named her) and I bought a new car. The great grandaughter who is 4 months old knows me now and she coos at me.I have alot of grandchildren and my brother calls them my numerous descendents. I am having fun refinishing an old desk and it is coming out pretty.
Well, Trish, Life goes on . We didn't ask for this but with God's help are making it. I have my moments of sorrow too and maybe life will never be the same but moving forward helps. Take care of yourself. You are sure a source of encouragement to others.

May 27, 2011
so many ups and downs the last month
by: Mari

I can well understand your sadness at seeing someone who looked like Paul. That had to be a difficult moment for you. If I don't see my husband's picture on my cell phone right away I panic.
I think you are doing great and it will do your heart good to visit the grandchildren often. I sure can relate as I have tons of grandchildren. The 2 yr old likes to run her hands through my hair because it is fine and silky and she says my hair is so ''bootiful.'' That can make me smile in my saddest moment. My husband teased me about my ''flyaway fine hair'' and that makes me smile too. the 4 month old great granddaughter already knows me and starts smiling and cooing.
These moments that we treasure so much, I believe are from our heavenly father to bring us comfort.
You are coping well and and are a real inspiration here for the rest of us. Take care.

May 26, 2011
Good to know whats in the future
by: Christine

I lost my husband 21 days ago and sometimes I feel like I just want to curl up and go...but then I come here and read that I am alone. I read how others have gone forward and created a new life for themselves and I am trying to do that myself. It's not easy but I'm starting...

It is good to see that others have taken the journey I am embarking on and have come so far.

It's an inspiration to me!

Best to all of you and one hour at a time...

May 26, 2011
ups and downs...


When my computer was down for a week I missed reading what others wrote it gives me strength. Trying to write and help others strengthens us as well. At 10 months I was trying to just make it to the year mark and pretty much loosing my mind anyway. But as the 2nd year progresses we realise that this is it. This is our life yeah, we knew it all along but the change we fought we accept because as much as we want we cannot turn back the clock.

Driving home from work there was a car waiting to pull out, normally I do not look at the drivers I just drive. But this man in a glance reminded me of Paul. I just kept on of course but the pang of loneliness hit me and I let it go. It's up to us to make a go of this new life and it certainly isn't easy but in time (I know you hate to hear that stupid term) it does tone down and days become bearable. Life will never be the same we all agree on that, it's what we do with the remainder of our days that makes the difference.
Just know the ups will be more often and the downs more fleeting. Keep on keeping on we'll all "get there" eventually

May 26, 2011
so many ups and downs the lkast month
by: jules

Keep smiling - it will get easier - 18 months for me now - still have moments - but mostly life is ok - I make it that way - because I know that is what John would expect of me. Be myself.
one step, one breath
take care

May 26, 2011
Re: so many ups and downs the last month
by: Mari

Hi Donna, I am glad you have the grandchildren to make you smile. They sure have a way about them.
It seems that you are progressing one step at a time. Actually 10 months is not very long. I can imagine how pleased your family is to see you smiling again. And music is soothing too. You are doing the right things.
We are here for you too. We truly understand having suffered losses too.
I have made many changes here and my life has change so much. I like the job I have and the work here on the complex.I bought a new car and I have a kitten for company. I always have my husband on my mind. It was a a yr and 1/2 on the 22nt. Well, God is with us and will see us through. Take care of yourself.

May 25, 2011
I Know What You Mean
by: TrishJ

I know exactly what you mean....about smiling again. For the first several months I think I actually felt guilty to be out with friends having a good time without Joe. I smiled but it wasn't a sincere smile. It's been almost 6 months for me. I'm starting to have more good days than bad but can still be reduced to tears in a heartbeat. Like you said, it's hard to believe that so much time has gone by and we're still here~lonely....but we're still here.
I'm moving into my own apartment (been living with the sister and brother-law which would make a soap opera to replace All My Children) and I was thinking about the last time Joe and I moved into a new place together. That was so long ago. We were so happy and excited when we bought our last house almost 18 years ago. I think I'm still looking to feel that way and I guess I shouldn't. It's a new me....yes, a new normal. I'm still adjusting to it. I know it will take more time.
Good for you Donna. Keep smiling. We may just all find happiness when we least expect it.
Blessings and hugs to you.

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