SO MUCH LOSS

by KATYJ
(BOSTON MA)

I AM SUFFERING FROM GRIEF REACTION I AM ANGRY ALL THE TIME ITS BEEN YEARS SINCE MOM WAS MURDERED I D TELL THERAPISTS ABOUT IT LIKE I WAS GOING TO THE STORE.ITS BEEN 50 YEARS THIS YEAR IT STARTED THE OTHER DAY WHEN I WAS GOOGLING EXS MOMS MURDER IN CONNECTICUT 7 YEARS AFTER MY MOTHERS. THEIR WERE MULITIPLE WOMEN WITH HER NAME UNDER 40 GONE FROM BRIGEPORT CONN. IT HIT ME THAT SO MANY ARE GONE ...I WAS CRYING ALOT FELT BETTER AFTER THIS MORNING IT STARTED AGAIN I AM IN RECOVERY USED FROM 10 YEARS AFTER MOMS DEATH TILL 3 YEARS AGO.MOM WAS MURDERED BY HER MOTHER I WAS IN THE HOUSE AT THE TIME.I WAS SHUNNED ASA KID I DIDNT KNOW BUT EVERYONE KNEW ABOUT IT.I ALAWAYS FELT SEPARATE ALONE LIKE NOW. THATS NOT THE ONLY ONE THERES HER SISTER 1976 SUICIDE MENTAL ILLNESS .MY BROTHER IN 1993 ODED ALONE OF COURSE.BEFORE THAT MY HUSBANDS EX WIFE SUICIDE IN 1983 ON FIRST DAY OF SUMMER.THEN IN 1995 MY GIRLFRIEND SUICIDE IN JAIL.MY OTHER GIRLFRIEND SANDY ODED IN 1997 MY DAUGHTERS DAD IN 2001 MY DADS IN 2001 2 MONTHS LATER .......2004 MY OTHER GIRLFRIEND KAREN.2009 A GIRL FROM OUR NEIGHBORHOOD MUREDED IN EASTIE. 2010 MY GIRLFRIEND DIED FROM ADDICTION RELATED HEART LUNG PROBLEMS IN HER SLEEP.2011 ANOTHER GIRL KIM GONE FROM CANCER.I WAS 2.4 WHEN MOM DIED I REMEMBER AFTER ONLY I CALLED MY UNCLE RECENTLY AND MY OTHER UNCLE PASSED AWAY OF LUNG CANCER .HIS DAUGHTER LINDA SUICIDE AT 18 ALSO.NEW NEWS ON DEATHS MAY HAVE TRIGGERED THIS ALSO MY SISTER SPOKE TO ME IITS BEEN 3 YEARS SHE DISMISSES ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF IT.DENIAL I AM IN KNOTS AGAIN IN RECOVERY 3 TIMES I HAVE HAD KNOTS IN MY GUT. THEY STARTED 3 MONTHS AGO WENT TO A PRIEST HE TALKED ABOUT THIS IS THE TIME OF DEATH OVER OVER ....HELPED A LITTLE BUT NOT REALLY.I AM ANGRY ALL THE TIME CRYING OVER LOSING MY PET CRAB THIS AM I BROKE MY PARROTS CAGE PISSED OFF.I NEED GET OUT OF THE LAND OF DEATH OBSESSION INTO THE LAND OF THE LIVING ITS OVER WHELMING ME ITS GOT TO STOP UNRESOLVED GRIEF THATS OLD NEW WHY NOW IT MUST BE TIME I GUESS , ITS AFFECTING MY RELATIONSHIPS.I NEED TO BE HERE I GUESS HEAL MYSELF SOME HOW.ADDICT KATYJ THY FOR LETTING ME SHARE

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