So much loss

by Debbie

Last year I lost my brother and my best friend, a dog named Wookie that had been with me for 13 years.
My brother had been sick for several years and I was fortunate enough to have been able to spend the last few days with him in hospice. But now I feel an unbearable amount of guilt that I didn't spend more time with him while he was alive. We lived 3 hours apart, but rarely ever visited. I wish now I had found a way to be with him the last months of his life, helping him and trying to make it easier. But I was too wrapped up in my own life.
A little over a year ago I adopted my grandsons after the state took them from my son and their mother for neglect. During all that I basically lost my son too. He is still doing drugs.
When my precious Wookie died it was very sudden. She had not been sick. She was on my bed asleep with me and woke up and yelped and fell over dead. I was devastated!
Then over the summer I had gone to my daughter's house out of state and brought back a pit bull that she had been keeping for me after I got injured breaking up a fight between her and another dog. I had another older hound living here at the time and when I got the pit home they hit it off immediately. They got along so well I left them out together one day while I ran errands only to come back and find the hound almost dead from injuries from a fight with her. I have no idea what happened. I had to put him to sleep.
After that, I didn't feel like we were safe with the pit anymore. She was a very sweet dog, but this was her third fight and by far the worst. I cannot get the image out of my head of the bloodbath and injuries to the old hound that we came home to. It was awful!!!
I tried to find her another home with no pets or children, but was unable to. I called rescue groups and was told over and over that none would take her and that I should have her put down because she could not be trusted. I finally gave in and had her put down, but didn't tell any of my children what I did because they didn't want her to be put to sleep. Instead I lied and said the rescue I got her from took her back. It actually did, but they put her to sleep.
Now I feel horribly guilty over all of it. I keep asking myself if I gave up on the hound too soon, if he could have been saved, if I should have kept the pit and just kept her away from everyone, why didn't I go stay with my brother the last few months of his life???? It just goes on and on and I don't know how to shake it. The guilt and the grief just overwhelm me.

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