So Much to Say and Ask and Now There's No Time
I come from an extremely disfunctional family. Out of the six symblings 4 of them were either drug addicts or alcoholics, and a mother who was a huge enabler to 4 of the 6 symblings. She did not know the meaning of tough love, my mother but could give out advice to everyone else without a second thought.
We grew up poor, my dad did the best he could do, but with 6 children it was extremely hard. We always had a garden, (and we lived in the city for the first 12 years of my life). My mom made my clothes, and I loved them. And to me it was fine because I didn't know any different.
To say I had a good life, wasn't always true. As a small child I was molested several times, and I wondered. Why, wasn't anything ever said or talked about. No one in the neighborhood would let there kids play with me. They made me feel ashamed and dirty. Yet, it was never discussed, and I felt like I was.
Now that my mom is gone, I wished I would have asked her why didn't she talk about this or defend me? I never spoke about this to anyone. but as I get older I am finding out that more and more people around my age had this done to them also. How sad for most of it and no one was there to protect us or defend us. And I also ended up have 2 abusive marriage. Physical and emotional.
I became a pregnant 15 year old and my mother thought I was a slut. There were a lot of issues with my mother and my brother. Drugs, abuse, things that would take a book to go into, especially when my sister became the power of attorney. She stuck our mother in a nursing home, could have cared less about her and spent her money.
It's sad, because those last 3 our mother would give them every dime she had, and not blink an eye. And all I wanted was for her to be taken care of medically and financially.
You see, I let go of everything and regardless of whatever happened I also, and I mean always loved her. I wanted what was best for her, yet the others were always bitter, and resentful for one reason or another. Could never let go of anything. And everyday, I miss her and my younger brother terribly.
Yes, my mom was 86 years old and my brother was 53 years old at the times of their deaths. But I was devastated.
Whenever I didn't feel good, or things weren't going good at work. I could call them. They always had my back. Just knowing they were there was such a comfort. And now to no longer have that, has been more than I can bare.
My heart breaks everyday, and sometimes I ask why God has left me behind. Yes, I have to grown children and grandchildren, but they have their lives.
And I had no idea there were so many things I needed to ask my mom. And now I don't know what to do.
You know I look at the life me and my kids had to endure. Being around drug addicts, being abused by a step father, myself being abused by their dad and step dad. They father getting killed on his motorcycle. My son going to prison for 2 years. My family lashing out at times against my children, getting them high on marijuana (yes, this is the kind of loving and caring family I came from). I just wanted to ask my mom, "why did you let it get so bad"?
I basically turned out okay, I live with my daughter her husband and their 3 children. But I sure would have loved just to have taken care of my mom and my younger brother. I think if it would have been us, their quality of life would have been somewhat better, and who knows? Maybe they would still be here. At least my younger brother. My sister couldn't stand him. I hope she's happy now.
God bless mom and bro, your up there with Dad now and I love you all for eternity.