So much US left

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA)

Another day ...

Another day ...

There is so much us left in this house. As I begin to clear out "Our/My" Bedroom I falter, I come back to this computer, this site as through it will give me some strength to continue.

Most of the crap is mine now, just put it in a box sit it on the bottom of the steps, carry it upstairs until "My room" is painted. Fresh paint (fresh life?), not the color he painted the day after I commented Oh I like that color. But the memory of him on the ladder painting your new color is still there.

I am emotionally weak, how can that be after all this time? It is just useless clutter that you have allowed into your life not caring like I should. I need to get up and get started, again. The only thing that is in that room are items. Not horrors, although I pulled out wedding pictures as I pulled out clothes to be sorted through.

I am stronger I know that these 15 months have proven that.
Let me be stronger just a few more days until the room is empty and I can start over. Again and again it would seem...

Comments for So much US left

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Apr 23, 2011
Leaving LA and starting over in Conneticut
by: Hope


I know how hard it is for you to overcome the loss of your true love and health issues of your own. You spoke of a failed suicide attempt. You glossed over it so quickly it was as if you were talking about retrieving the paper after a rain storm. Run if you must but please address your (thank God) failed attempt in your new surroundings. That can not be left in LA. Know the pain you feel and know you would leave that pain behind for others had you succeeded.

I loved my man for 17 years and that was not long enough. But it is the time that I was given and I would not change that for the world. I miss him and am reminded of him going it alone. No one to take care of me, No one to talk to my best friend is gone. Yet a new life stands before us "Our life part 2" and we shall make it worthwhile. Please come here to vent. We understand as other can not. Please get counseling and take care of yourself Craig would have wanted it. He would want you to love yourself and allow others to love you too.

Apr 22, 2011
So much US left
by: Mari

Hi Hope. It does seem as if we are all having sadness going through our loved one's things. I guess we just have to go through it and be done with it.
Today is 15 months since my husband went to be with the Lord. Strangely enough yesterday was worse for me. I looked at myself in the mirror, told myself I looked awful and went and had my hair frosted.I was delighted with the results and could almost hear my husband saying,''Honey, I see you got your fine flyaway hair done.''He used to say that. When I left I opened the sunroof and put on a Bon Jovi CD and it was actually pleasant. Bon Jovi reminds me of my vacations on to the east coast,(my starting point) and so many memories.
But one has to come home. Well, my thoughts are with all of you and with God's help will make it through this. There is still plenty to do here. I still wear my husband's pajamas. God bless all of you.

Apr 22, 2011
You are stronger than you know
by: Gregg

I lost my domestic partner of over 18 years last Jan. 2. I have had such a tragic year. Nothing seems to be going right. My Craig wanted to see the movie Eat Pray Love but died before he got the chance. I watched it the other night and there is a line that really struck a cord with me "Ruin is the road to transformation." I live in LA but have decided to abandon my west coast life and move back to Connecticut after 30 years, with my dalmatian, Dante'. I'm reinventing my world. Even though Craig will always be the love of my life I have to learn to go on without him. I realize I can't do that in LA. After going through this for less than 4 months and reading about people going through this for 18 months or more scares the hell out of me that I think for me this drastic step I'm planning is my best step. I just got out of the hospital after a failed suicide attempt and this decision has given me new direction and strength. I also am HIV+, Hep C, on disability and sec 8. I have many obstacles to overcome and a 3000 mile move seems sane to me. Right now the silverware, glasses, chairs, bed, carpet, computer all remind me of Craig and I'm leaving everything but clothes, photos and my dog behind.

Apr 20, 2011
getting there...
by: Anonymous

Pulling down the pictures, dusting the walls, checking all the nails ans screws that I will have to pull and patch and there stands alone a tray on "His" side of the bed. It is his watch, pocket knives, cologne and a picture of us. How could I miss that when boxing up stuff?

Even a near empty room is facing the demons of my past. Grief comes washing in with the sunlight of the empty windows. I can do this, I can! Why does the past come up to bite me in the rear just when I think that I am making so much progress?

Sigh move on. It's all we can do...

Apr 20, 2011
US is everywhere
by: Judy


Clearing our possessions is the hardest thing I've had to do on this unwelcome journey. As I touch the things Barry loved, his clothes, his books etc I feel like it is disrespectful to make a decision a to whether or not it has value. Now I totally understand he can't use them anymore, and that if someone else can use them then it is sensible to donate them. But somehow deciding that something he had has no value is just very hard for me. I can do this with someone else there, but to do it alone just makes me feel awful and so I stop doing it because I don't want to feel awful.

Worse than that, once I'm done the memories just don't go away. I've redone several rooms now with little changes and within my small budget and he is still there in the furniture and items we chose together, in little items, in things that just seem cold to toss out. So I shuffle them around but really as long as I am in this house with these things around me, the US will always be here.

I thought things would get easier but really the challenges just change.

So hang in there Hope, we are going to get through this yet!


Apr 20, 2011
so much US left
by: Mari

Hi Trish, I understand so much of what you are saying, and feeling. That voice that sounded like Joe's would have affected me the same way.
As for the tackle box that your son's grandpa gave him, I hear that stuff all the time too. Today my grandaughter asked me when Grandpa had bought me the chandelier.
I get questioned all the time about a little ambient that gives the temps. My husband bought me that and it is the cutest thing. Sometimes it shows raindrops and then sunshine and it is set for my area. I always have it where I can see it.
Anyway I treasure the thoughtful gifts. Fifteen months is not very long but I am better in many ways. I am taking those baby steps and sometimes go backward and then forward. I hate the thought that he isn't coming back and I know it has been hard on the grandchildren.We will , with God's help get through all this.It has not been easy on any of us. We all comfort one another and God is with us too. Take care.

Apr 19, 2011
So much us, oh yes!
by: Joss

Hope, I guess a lot of us still still have a long way to go before we can do all of the things you are doing. It has not been 3 months yet since my husband passed away and right just looking at his possessions and the things that we bought together or go places we used to go to together is enough to just send me in complete meltdowns. I have not reached the point yet where I am ready to give anything away. Last weekend I thought of giving my husband's tool box to my son in law, I took a look as to what was in the tool box and it brought back memories and I started crying and said nope it's not going anywhere. The US is all over the house, the stores you name it and there is US. I am so thankful that I went on this website and I can see a difference in the way I feel, I do not feel alone in my pain, so many of us are hurting so deeply and we all have a common goal to ride this whole grieving experience out; yes we are all different with different losses etc.. but we are all trying to make it. No we cannot bring our loved ones back (wish we could) but we are all thriving to make it as a memory to our loved ones. I know the road is going to be long and hard but Hope, I pray that for a lot of us that 15 months down the road we can start or have started somewhat of a life for ourselves. My husband cannot be replaced nor do I want to replace him, I just want at one point and time look back and say wow, I have come a long way making baby steps. Thank you all for sharing, we are in this together.

Apr 19, 2011
what is left
by: Zoe


I guess the first part is the most obvious, if you were not one of few women who have the opportunity to have a great love, one that touches your soul.. this would not feel as deep. Would you trade that, the kind of love you had, of course not.. we endure the pain knowing that it is a testament to the love we have.
The you stuff will come soon enough, tax returns with just your name on it. bank statements to MS. as opposed to MRS. tax notes.. all the things that you built together, will suddenly be sliding into yours alone.
So close your eyes and take a deep breath, then stand up and move, do what you can, nothing more. and know that we are always here with you.

one step one breath one day at a time.

Apr 19, 2011
hope hope hope
by: Anonymous

Thank you for writing that.
thank you others who responded also.
others feel this pain we are feeling,
if these 2 months after dad left i could
just tell all future potential bosses, leave
me alone right now, just hire me, and know i'm
the right one for the job just, don't make me sell myself... that would help..
if our culture could all just see tears
as the healthiest thing we can think of to
do, that would be ahh, nice...
if only for these 2 months, every time we
spoke to our God, he'd let us see his face
and he'd talk back verbally, well, that would
be overwhelming, so if he'd make us be able to handle seeing him, like if we could just wear a few veils or whatever it took...
anyway, right now, i'm sad. i miss dad, and he's just not here, he keeps not reappearing and i just keep crying, and wishing it would get all the way better. i'm glad many of you out there are better...i pray for you. and just seeing "the comfort zone" there to the left and the words: "Expressing sympathy" and seeing "sympathy cards" well, i'm .002% better now, than when the day began, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HEAR God right now, loudly and clearly, i know he's here, and he cares, and he's catching each and every one of my tears (and yours) and its going to going to going to get better. xo to you alll out there, feeling this great big hole that i'm feeling...they say it will get better, lets just somehow believe that they better be right... xo, tear tear.

Apr 19, 2011
Always will be US
by: Judith in California

Hope, It looks like a few of us are "cleaning up things" . Just last night I decided to go up and tackle the loose pictures we had in a box. He had bought albums for them to go in and had filled 5 of them before he wasn't able to do that anymore. I began sorting through them and throwing out insignificant photos of the old house we lived in and separating ones to give his children or send his brother. The weird thing is how insignificant I feel now because his kids and his brother don't even call me now.It's like I didn't exist in their lives for the 35 1/2 years Chuck and I were married. I look at the pictures of family gatherings we had and ask were they just faking it for their Dad? Oh well. It's their loss because I'm a great person to know and I did take care of their Dad all those years up till his last breath he took.

I will look at those pictures of him and I and there will always be US. I don't know if a new life will bring new pictures but for now these will be a reminder HE existed, was and forever loved by me.

Take care Hope and keep moving forward as we all must.

Apr 19, 2011
so much US left
by: Mari

Hope, it sounds as if you and I are doing the same things. I also painted our room here and much of the the rest of the house. I think we need to stay busy.I have noticed that many of us on this board are making changes. I told my grandaughter that Grandpa may not recognize the place.She said he would because I was always doing something anyway. My husband also passed away 15 months ago. Sometimes it seems like a while and at times like yesterday.
I am still dealing with the loss and still refer to him as ''my husband.'' I am better though. The new job somehow gave me a new beginning and the new greatgrandaughter is new a life. I am still working here too and I get tired but it is okay. I sleep better that way. I am proud of myself for doing the taxes by myself for the second year. Do you ever get a feeling of unreality about all this? We are making it, Hope, and it is probably the hardest thing we will ever have to do. God bless you.
Take care of yourself.

Apr 18, 2011
So much Us left
by: M Mack

You know you have to finish what you you have been doing all along, over and over again. Bitter sweet I say-a new color on the walls as we try to paint a new life for ourselves.

It's so sad that we need to go through this. I can't wait for the outcome, knowing the reasons why we survived, if we did it right, why we were left without our soulmates. This has to be the worst thing to go through for all of us. I guess it's up to us, individually when we are ready to let go. Some have more spunk, get through it and times goes by. I however must be a slower type, not ready to bury the grief with Ray. I carry it with me waiting for something to happen like a turning point in my life. I hope the time that passes for us resolves the problems on their own.

I understand what you're going through because I am in the same sinking boat. Don't let your emotions take you where you don't want to go. Instead make your emotions take you to a happy place. Peace and happiness for us all.

Apr 18, 2011
by: TrishJ

Just when I think I'm making progress I have a major set back. Yesterday we took my little grandsons on an Easter egg hunt. I did very well....didn't cry once because grandpa wasn't there.
We went for burgers. From the table behind us I heard a man say, "What are you gonna have honey?" It sounded just like Joe. The voice was the same exact deep quality. That's exactly what he would say to me. I must've looked like I'd seen a ghost. My daughter-in-law said, "Are you all right?" NO I'M NOT!! I said, "Yes, I'm fine."
I got home and had a total melt down. Today as my daughter and I were walking through Lowes I kept getting all choked up ~ over paint colors???? My daughter and her fiance are closing on their first home on Wednesday. Her dad would've been so proud and so excited to help them with everything that a new home involves. When they marry in September he won't be here to walk her down the aisle.
Then.....I we get back to her apartment. My 12 year old grandson said, "Look grandma....I cleaned out the tackle box grandpa gave me. I wish he was still here to take me fishing."
WWAAAHHHH!! I cried the whole way home. Why do I get out of bed in the morning?
You do inspire me so. I know I too will still be missing US at fifteen months~that's OK though. As long as I know that eventually I will get to the point that you are at. I know it's not easy. It takes a lot of work and faith.
One breath, one step.

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