So Tired

by Colleen
(South Africa)

I do not have the energy or the motivation to do anything. I hold down four jobs (was five but gave one up) Three of the jobs have reached year end and I do not have the motivation or care to do the work. I need to do the work as I need the money to pay for my daughters uni fees. I feel as if I am going into depression. Before Bruce died I had plenty of energy now all I want to do is crawl into a ball and die.

I am tired of being lonely, scared, heartbroken, I feel totally overwhelmed by all the decisions that I have to make, so I sit here and do not make any decisions. It is far easier to sit and stare into nothing.

Can someone who has been three months in tell me how they managed to motivate themselves to get going?

Bruce I miss you so much.

Comments for So Tired

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Mar 04, 2011
honor self
by: we are all connected

This is a time to nurture yourself. My broken heart encompasses my whole life after the shocking death of my father.
I am seeing a therapist and she has taught me well about grief.....it brings up everything....every loss....every regret.
I too found myself slipping into a depression because I am usually such a doer. Being still and not judging myself was challenging.
I realize you have to make money but maybe there is a way you can arrange to have this year's expenses reduced and or pushed forward. I have found people and companies and schools extremely compassionate.
Part of healing the broken heart is to let more love in....let people offer you support...that is the love that will help you heal.
Believe me as I write this I am talking to myself.
There is no quick fix and instead of looking for motivation maybe it would help if instead you looked for a glimmer of HOPE. HOPE that your broken heart will begin to heal and that life will eventually get better.
Take Care. Big Hug.

Mar 03, 2011
Take care of you first
by:

Colleen,

Allow me to also admit that after Paul died I could give a ______ Less. We had always been active with house projects. Always had an A,B& C
list of things to do. When we did lollygag we felt both deserving and guilty.

Now on to yet another thing that grief steals.
Motivation. The blahs and who gives a damn?
It was apparent that I needed to organize this house and make room. Get rid of anything extra that I did not need. And Housework? Only the minimal of dinner and laundry. Sweeping and mopping min of once a week turned into...I guess I outta...tomorrow yes tomorrow I will do this I will do that.

So 15 months later I am like a train speeding through this house having gotten rid of a minimum of 8 truckloads of stuff thus far. I gave it all away, no yard sales to mull over each piece. Stripping the house down to the bare essentials.

But yes for the longest time I was so tired. Grief turned into a black hole of depression making it impossible for me to move or function.
My only goal to make the day pass so that I could go to sleep and start my robot existence the next day.

I have heard that what does not destroy you makes you stronger. Also that god does not put more on your plate than you can handle. That 2nd phrase only tended to make me angry. Some flippant psycho babble for motivation? It takes time and I know that you are tired of hearing it. Not a specific amount of time or we would mark our calender and sleep till then right?

We have too much time on our hands yet not enough and it turns ever so slowly reminding us every second what we do not have. But we will emerge, changed for sure yet given a new life that we dislike at first but eventually accept.

Our loves will always be in our memories and thoughts but they will be a warm glow, a smile for what was and how blessed we were to have them in our life. But for now keep on keeping on its all you can do...
HH

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