So....He's Really gone huh?

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA)

My Love Paul Holt

My Love Paul Holt

Having survived Christmas, I thought the worst was over and done. The snow that hit the East coast that was a blessing Christmas Day now leaves me lonely and yearning for what I cannot have again. My conscious mind, my logic KNOWS that he will never walk in that door.

Never Say I Love You...

Never be there to cuddle up to when I am cold...

Never respond to How was your day? (over! was his reply when it was a rough one)

Never be my knight in shining armour.


And gathering things to bring me comfort. My favorite soap, Vaseline intensive care bath beads, His shaving cream, warm socks, good food...seems so bland, unfulfilling, leaving me yearning for what I cannot have. My God, it has a been a year! How have I survived? How will I survive?

Day by day...Moment by moment as I have thus far.

Comments for So....He's Really gone huh?

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Feb 02, 2011
So lonely
by: Mary

I lost my husband, best friend Dec. 8, 2010 after a two month illness. We would have been married 41 years on Jan. 31. I am so very lonely. I know it has been less then 2 months since his death, but I just can't seem to get myself together. My friends and family have been wonderful, but none of them know what I am really feeling. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit and cry. I believe I am in a dream world. Some days I just sit on the couch all day and do nothing. Other days I try to keep busy but I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I feel lost. I pray for peace of mind and strength. I know eventually the pain will lessen, but for right now I feel lost. I am glad I found this site. Reading the comments makes me feel I am not alone with these feelings. May God help all of us through this painful time.

Dec 30, 2010
1st xmas alone
by: buzz

Pat, every word in your blog is the way i feel. My girlfriend died 12/04/10. I am so sorry for you and so sorry for me, and everybody who has suffered this fate.

Dec 28, 2010
by: Jessica

I so know how you feel, I actually had this thought that I could make it without the tears...after all its been over a year for me. But once again I sit and cry my eyes out, the hole in my heart widens and deepens....I question if I really want to go on with this pain, but I know deep in my heart that I must. There is no other acceptable alternative. I would love to hear his voice once more, his kiss, to smell him....instead I sit here alone....and hurting.

Dec 28, 2010
praying for you
by: Melissa

Hi Hope,

I just wanted you to know you are in my prayers. It is the hardest thing ever, losing the one you love the most. Hope today is least as good as it can be.

Dec 27, 2010
Reality sets in
by: Ms Mack


Please know you are not alone. You describe what we all are experiencing........not having life as we knew it. I feel sad for all of us tonight. No matter how hard we try, how much we support one another, how many blogs we read of others suffering, how many consultations we offer each other....the fact remains the same. We have changed forever.

I have summed up my scenario.....They died.... many due to illness, and we are left here to LIVE with an illness of a different sort. Our illness is daily pain in our hearts. Now we are struggling to get well and their illness is gone! I don't get it. Why do all of the ones left behind have to suffer? We climb and claw up the wall to get to the top and loose our grip ever so slightly, sliding down... Trying the climb all over again day after day.

Hang In there, Talk to Paul......I'm sure he is trying to comfort you. Just write as you take one deep breath, one day at a time. You are going to be ok. My prayers for you.
Mary Mack

Dec 27, 2010
Please Wake Me From This Really Bad Dream
by: Anonymous

My soul-mate since 1991 passed on Sept 29th. There is a hole in my heart that is just getting bigger every day. Our relationship was a rocky one but we did love each other - we just got so lost along the way. I will always love you Bob. Forever, Linda

Dec 27, 2010
your a survivor!!
by: Jen


You're doing well, so well but when the dark days hit they hit so hard.
I've been thinking about you over christmas and was hoping you got thro ok,

It is a very lonely time of year for those of us who have lost the closest thing to us.
People can try but they have no clue to what this unwanted journey is like...... How could they!!

You have survived Christmas and im sure your son loved his Santa presents, your a great mum and are doing a really good job.

The new year is nearly upon us..... You are this far on and you will continue along this road at whatever pace is right for you.

Love and hugs from little old me in Northern ireland.

Stick the kettle on........
Fancy a coffee??
Stay strong,

Jen xx

Dec 27, 2010
My First Christmas
by: Pat J

I too survived Christmas, barely. I know exactly how you feel. I lay in my empty bed at night aching to hear his voice, just once more. My husband just passed away on December 3rd. I'm totally lost and alone. I have children but they have resumed their lives and gone on with their young families. None of my friends have lost spouses so they really don't know the extent of the loss.

I have a voice mail from him that I keep playing over and over again. I want to feel his hand and smell his Polo cologne. The smile, the twinkle in his eye. He was ill for so long. He tried so desperately not to leave us but his poor body just gave out. I miss him so much it tears at my heart. I feel like I have a hole in my heart.

I never liked roller coasters and this is one ride I wish I could just get off. I know I have to take one day at a time. The days seem long and the nights are the worst. We're all in this together.

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