Some genuine healing

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

I've come back to post today to say that some genuine healing has taken place for me. Things do get better and I am living proof of it.

Barry will be gone two years in November. I have been down to every possible bad place emotionally, physically and spiritually, and managed to claw myself back up with faith, the love of my kids and one very good friend and the fellow travelers I've met here. I've tried, and failed, to outwit the grief process and came to realize you just have to ride it until it's over. Maybe I am at that place now.

I have changed in many ways. I don't love things the way I used to love them. The passing of my pets and even a good high school friend give me sadness but then it rolled away into the larger perspective of life. I've learned to live alone and enjoy it, and to be my own best friend. I've learned maybe not what I want in life so much as what I don't want. I've learned when to tackle things by myself and when to ask for help. I've learned that whatever is before me, I can handle it. If you can handle the loss of your best friend, lover and soul mate, you can handle anything.

The lonliness isn't so bad now. The future isn't a scary unknown but a journey I'm just starting to travel. Barry's death is no longer a sore pain in my heart but just something that is there. Just like I am a woman, an American, a Christian and have blue eyes, I am also a widow. It's something that just is true about me and I can't beg, scream, pray or bargain it away. It's part of who I am. It just is.

I don't know how I got to this place except that every day I just kept on living and letting grief roll me to where ever it would. Someone here said we adapt and I believe that's what happened-I adapted to being alone, making decisions alone, began to care about myself again. To be alone and still love the person I am without a mate. Life has more color now, and the biggest thing is I'm not afraid anymore. I know I'll be ok.

To all of you here thanks for the love and support. You carried me through.

JM

Comments for Some genuine healing

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Sep 02, 2011
I have walked 500 miles (of grief)
by:

Judy,

I feel that you are my sister in grief. You and a handful of people that began this horrible journey a year and a half heading towards the two year mark.

This morning for some reason unknown to me...I stopped at our local Good Will. Having been without electricity for a week, I could have stopped in the last 3 days or so, they having got electric before me.

But I did stop in, and the reason a became apparent the moment that I walked in. I ran into someone that I knew by face, an acquaintance I suppose. She looked ill as if she might be battling cancer but I did not ask. I know what it is like for people to rudely be blunt in their questioning.

I did find out that a her husband passed 6 weeks ago. She was his caretaker having been ill herself. I know what that is like, though I did not want to recall the beginnings of grief, I felt that I had to reach out to her because knew what it was like having experienced it for nearly 2 years come dec 6th,2011.

My god I actually have survived for 2 years? I have come through this whole horrific mess stronger wiser and very much aware of who I am and what is truly important in this life.

Although I do not have a phone yet, gave her my number and my address and told her to call or just come see me any time. I remember what it was like as the tears streamed down her face. I did not tell her that time heals, I remember all the feelings that grief brings and all the useless things people try to say not knowing better. I just told her that I would be there for her anytime. And I meant it.

I am so very proud of you, how far you/we have come. It is by far something that I shall not ever forget. Maneuvering my way through grief and coming out with a knowledge that few people ever know. We now have a strength that was earned the hardest way possible. And though I know that I will forever miss Paul I have changed, Grief has made me strong only because I have survived it and have a different way of thinking, of being.

Funny the song/lyrics "I have walked 500 miles" came to me as I cleaned the kitchen. And we have walked 500 miles or more with grief and somehow come out the other end stronger than we ever imagined...
HH

Aug 29, 2011
Genuine healing needed for all
by: M Mack

Judy,

Thanks for the encouragement. You are proof of what can be and I know what I read on this site is genuine. I believe it's possible to find yourself again and move forward. After over 13 months Im still stuck in this pain and grief. I'm doing my best to cope and know the road is long. God blessed you to have finally found the peace you were working towards. I will take it one breath, one step to one day at a time. That's all I am capable of. Sending you my best, love and hope.

Aug 28, 2011
Thank You..........
by: TrishJ

I think I actually felt my heart leap when I read your post. This is all I want. All I hope for. I just want to get to a place where I can actually feel something besides pain again. Every day is a challenge. Every day brings something more to remind me that I am a widow ~ not something I'm comfortable with yet.
Thank you so much for sharing your uplifting story of courage. I want to be just like you when I hit the two year mark. Really.....that's all I'm hoping for. Nothing more. To wake up and feel excited about something again!! I'll keep trying. I'll keep waking up, put one foot in front of the other and try my best. I'm very impatient but you have given me a new hope.
God Bless.
PJ

Aug 28, 2011
HOPE!
by: Lenora - New Mexico

Hi Judy,

You give me HOPE...it will be 4 months tomorrow (08/29/11) that I lost my Kevin, my true love. I am still having a hard time with being alone, doing everything alone. I was not suicidal, but there was a time I just wanted to be with Kevin again, I did not know how I was going to get there but....nothing else mattered. Now I have realized that I want to keep his memory alive in a good way.

I still don't know what I'm suppose to do on my own...I don't know how to be on my own...Kevin and I did everything together. The loneliness is still very present and our memories are still painful...but bearable.

Again...thanks for hope!!!

My love always ~ Kevin,

Lenora.

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