Some light in the tunnel
My Bear has been gone 14 months now. That I am at this point and still sane is a monument to the healing power of our minds, guts, this wonderful site and the Lord's presence in my life even if I am ignoring Him.
My purpose today is to let you all know that there is really light at the end of the grief tunnel. I am feeling much better (thank you increased dosage of Celexa) and I can now see that I can go on without Bear and actually be all right.
I think that the illness I had in November and December was sent purposefully by the Lord to give me the space and time to break out of my "shell". I was so ill that I had to think of myself first to get through the day, too weak to throw myself into work and activities to forget, too depressed to make any decisions about anything and grateful for every nurse, CNA, doctor, aide who delivered the meals, who were making decisions about things that I didn't have to make myself. I had to depend on others and to do that I had to ask for help. No more I am a rock, I am an island. I was forcibly thrown out of my shell by necessity.
I have discovered through this that I am OK out there by myself. I have made a conscious decision to move away from the places Bear and I went together. This is not always easy in a small town like ours. This means changing churches, resigning from my Legion Auxillary position, tossing out all the car CD's we listened to as we traveled around and buying new ones to my taste. It means really planning how to get back to CA and taking concrete steps to accomplish that, like getting rid of furniture I don't want to take. It means not letting the stress at work get me down. It means being patient as Rome wasn't built in a day.
I treasure Barry's memory. I miss him everyday. But I am coming to like my independence and be proud of myself for what I have accomplished in a year. I am a survivor! We are all survivors. So we shall carry on.