Some light in the tunnel

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

My Bear has been gone 14 months now. That I am at this point and still sane is a monument to the healing power of our minds, guts, this wonderful site and the Lord's presence in my life even if I am ignoring Him.

My purpose today is to let you all know that there is really light at the end of the grief tunnel. I am feeling much better (thank you increased dosage of Celexa) and I can now see that I can go on without Bear and actually be all right.

I think that the illness I had in November and December was sent purposefully by the Lord to give me the space and time to break out of my "shell". I was so ill that I had to think of myself first to get through the day, too weak to throw myself into work and activities to forget, too depressed to make any decisions about anything and grateful for every nurse, CNA, doctor, aide who delivered the meals, who were making decisions about things that I didn't have to make myself. I had to depend on others and to do that I had to ask for help. No more I am a rock, I am an island. I was forcibly thrown out of my shell by necessity.

I have discovered through this that I am OK out there by myself. I have made a conscious decision to move away from the places Bear and I went together. This is not always easy in a small town like ours. This means changing churches, resigning from my Legion Auxillary position, tossing out all the car CD's we listened to as we traveled around and buying new ones to my taste. It means really planning how to get back to CA and taking concrete steps to accomplish that, like getting rid of furniture I don't want to take. It means not letting the stress at work get me down. It means being patient as Rome wasn't built in a day.

I treasure Barry's memory. I miss him everyday. But I am coming to like my independence and be proud of myself for what I have accomplished in a year. I am a survivor! We are all survivors. So we shall carry on.

Comments for Some light in the tunnel

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Jan 24, 2011
light in the tunnel
by: jeanne in CA

I can really appreciate how you are feeling in this journey we are in because I too have progressed to much better place. It's been 10 months for me and all of a sudden life is looking way more normal. I haven't had a bad day for awhile and it just occurred to me that just maybe I've turned the corner. I will always have a part of my heart reserved for our great times together but I can now move on remembering them and generating new ones where they can sit side by side. I can smile now remembering and not feel such sadness and I thank this site for helping me through that awful time. I can definitely see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Jan 24, 2011
for Judy
by: Mari

I really appreciate your sharing your feelings Judy, I am sorry you got sick and hope you are fine now, Your determination to go on shows what inner strength you have. Although everyone heals at a different rate, you are an inspiration. We are forced to keep going and the road is not easy. But you know we are here for you.

I too do not go to the places my husband and I went. We had our favorite restaurants too but I do not go to them. I live in a small town too and now I find myself able to pass by where he worked. I couldn't at first.

My whole life is changed.I am redoing my entire house and am returning to work outside the home and still manage the complex here. I will start work after my background check and first aid class is completed. I will be working 2 facilities, one of them split shifts and another facility will have to spend some nights there. I will be off on Sundays and not miss church.
The nights away from here will do me good as nights alone are rather lonely.
The days are busy with work here.

You have accomplished so much and that does encourage others whose loss has been more recent.
I lost my husband 14 months ago yesterday. I have come to terms with the loss although there are moments it seems like yesterday. The changes I am making in my life are part of my being alone and making decisions on my own now. I have learned to be in charge, not by choice.

You are right Judy. It is a real accomplishment to have made it through a year. We can and we are doing it. God bless you.

Jan 23, 2011
some light in the tunnel
by: jules

Judy - you have hope, after your illness, and yes maybe that was sent to slow you down, from the frantic trying to get away from the truth.

I too have moved on from where we lived together, I buy different foods, different clothes even. I listen to different music - stuff that John would never have listened to - including some Aussie hip hop - it is modern poetry (you just have to block out some of the harsh language), I take risks, try new ventures.

So, 14 months and four days later, I am where I am - still have the occasional bad day, but know that I can come here and share without censure.

Thank you to you, one and all.
one step, one breath
take care

Jan 23, 2011
This new life


I am so happy to hear of your progress. It really gives me hope that I can do the same. It will be a year and 2 months Feb 6th, 2011. The holidays were especially brutal and Valentines Day is around the corner but, it isn't as bad as last year. I am doing what I need to do to keep the house running, Yet know that there is more that I need to work towards.

I just plod along but I want more. I do not know at this point what that is. But looking towards the future with sighs, I know that life is a changing and me with it. I am not as scared as I was, just unsure which direction to head. But I do thank you for the insight. It really is surviving grief and allowing your life to blossom/evolve into something else.
Thank You...

Jan 23, 2011
You Give Me Hope
by: TrishJ

Thank you Judy~
You give me hope. It's only been two months for me. Just when I think I'm doing better I have a bad day like yesterday. I actually woke myself up crying. I was sobbing into my pillow~that's never happened to be before.

I know we all have to find a new life. A life that doesn't include our beloved spouses. They call it a new normal. I'm not ready to go there yet. I'm still clinging to the everything that was my husband with all that I can.

I pray to God that I am in the place you are in 12 months from now. I pray daily for strength~most days I feel like God's not listening to me but I know I have to be patient.
Hug and blessings to you~You go girl!!

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