Something else I wanted to add after losing dad 6 months ago

by Jemima

This is still how I feel....jemima

My life is upside down, loving God. The order of the world is out of place and I can’t do anything to right it again. Oh, Lord, you know the pain in my heart at all times and you know why: my father has died. How can it be that my beloved father has gone? The man i cared for with such concern in a very short shocking illness, the one I held close to my heart and promised to take care of and we argued, i cant seem to shake that from my brain, i feel such guilt Lord. I hope he forgives me, i went off the the wrong path after through shock and now i feel my faith is slowly returning in time. My child is my savior within this, without him I would have nothing. It hurts deeply that I wasn’t able to protect my father With whom i love with my whole being from a death that seems so unfair and unjust and I'm still in incredible shock and guilt. Forgive me Lord for what I have done. I am so alone right now.

Let me feel calm. Let me breathe deeply. Be with me in this kind of deep and trans formative pain. I now carry this darkness with me on my back and in my heart, always. It is my burden and my companion.

Lord, there is not a single minute of my life when this loss is not etched so keenly into my brain and heart, whether it is in the middle of a busy day or in those choking moments of grief in the solitary dark of night. Let me be grateful for every minute we had together. Let me treasure those memories and find joy in them.

Help me to deal with people better. They don’t know what to say. They stumble and look away when they see me. They pretend nothing has happened. I know they “don’t want to remind me” but they don’t understand it is with me always, always.

Teach me, Lord. Tell me what you want me to do with this. What am I supposed to learn from this kind of pain? What are you calling me to do?

Open my battered heart and lead me to comfort and peace. Only you can give me the peace I need. Let me feel your presence in my life.

I need my faith restoring Lord as I am so lost. I pray for your comfort and that he is no longer suffering. I know I have sinned before but I need your presence to know that there is a way and an end to all this grief and pain.


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