Sometimes It's Best They Don't Say Anything

by Judith
(Winnetka, CA)

That's Chuck and Me on the Right In before-illness days with his friends from Detroit.

It's been 3 1/2 months since Chuck's passing . I said in my last writing that it's becoming less hard. Wow! ten minutes after I wrote that I burst into tears in the bank when I saw a man who looked shabby and thought of my Chuck and how nice he always looked.

It's Christmas day and last night I had OUR regular party stuff, for just me and my son and Chuck if he wanted to "visit". It was so lonely and haven't a clue to what I was thinking when I bought the stuff. Maybe a sense of normalcy to continue the way it used to be. It's like something drove me to do it. After I ate I felt so damn lonely. I look at his picture of him in his wheelchair and take it and kiss his face and tell him I miss him and still love him deeply.

I cried over so much because every love song or song saying all I want for Christmas is you or blue Christmas or TV show that was about couples in love or losing love just brings me to tears.

I go to bed and still rub the spot where his shoulder would be to calm and comfort him. I told him that when I did that it meant he was loved, cared for and safe. I did that every night for 3 1/2 years and wish I could still be comforting him.

I saw people I know yesterday in the mall and they say "He's in a better place", " he's not suffering anymore" and "Life must go on" and "He would want you to be happy" none of which comforts me at all. I just wish they would stop offering up their _"HAVEN'T GONE THROUGH IT YET CRAP"_ and just say I'm Sorry.

This is one helluva roller coaster ride.

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Dec 26, 2010
Sometimes it's best not to say anything
by: Mari

I understand. It has been a year and a month for me and most people have said,''I'm so sorry'' and that is fine. I have heard all the other stuff too but feel that people are uncomfortable and just say whatever comes to mind at the time. Or people will offer the condolences which is fine.

As far as my husband is concerned,''a better place'' would be with me again but true, he is with the Lord and out of pain.

I am sorry for your loss and realize it has not been very long. It is hard to cope and especially the holidays cause more pain. Just give yourself time to heal. Don't worry what people say when they have not been through it.

I felt depressed yesterday at the family gathering and am thankful for my grandaughter who is expecting a baby any time. She was a great comfort.

Keep posting. We care and we understand. God cares for you too.

Dec 26, 2010
There may be angels
by: Maureen

So glad the holidays are over I lost my precious son 10 weeks ago suddenly and have never felt this type of pain in my life. Sometimes my whole body hurts. But... I think I might have an angel. When I was cleaning I accidentally came across 3 of my sons baseball caps way up high on a bookshelf. When I picked them up stuck to the hats were a pair of white fur angels wings and I don t know where they came from. I had my husband come in to see them to make sure I wasn't crazy.I have left them there and show everyone as they visit! This was the most wonderful xmas gift from my angel!

Dec 26, 2010
Not over it yet.....
by: Colleen

I am also so tired of the cliches. No I am not over Bruce. My all time favorite was "at least he is not in pain anymore". NO he is dead and so is my heart. I want to scream at them all and tell them to try it on this side and see how long it takes them to get over their soul mate.

Stay strong or as weak as you can be and know that at least we understand the absolute devastation you are feeling. I know that can also be of little consolation at times, but we do at least understand.

Dec 26, 2010
It's best they don't say anything
by: Donna

Judith you are so right, most of the time it's probably best that people don't say anything. I wish people would try and put themselves in our place before they speak. I know in my experience it would have spared me a lot of crying. It is true that he is in a better place but I am selfish and I want him here with me, especially today. I wish people would just say hi and go on about their business. If I want to have a conversation with them I will start one, but most of the time I don't. The problem is that people speak before they think, unfortunately that is life. A horrible, lonely life that we widows/widowers now must face. May God be with us all and lead us one step, one breath

Dec 26, 2010
Been there, done that ~
by: Patricia

I've cried and cried and still it doesn't stop. Christmas has taken a toll on us all. It's been 6 months and It could be yesterday or a million years. One minute OK (as well as it can be) the next in tears over everything and nothing. They say I understand, I feel your pain, well we don't want to hear it. It won't be OK because from our point it's not and it never will be. Their not here with us so don't ask and don't tell me what I should feel or do. I said it once and I'll say it again ~

Unless you walk the walk ~ don't talk the talk...
To those on this site Peace be with us at our most difficult time.
always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time....

Dec 25, 2010
Not in our shoes are they?


People do NOT know what we have and are going through. Just because we were caretakers does not mean that it was a relief when they passed. I would Love to have the old Paul or the new Paul By my side now. It may be selfish I see now, to feel that way. But it took me a long time, A year in fact to admit that perhaps he had suffered through his illness. He was the rock in my life, always had been. And even in ill health took on as much as possible....I cannot go on except to say that people just don't know how it feels.

And to Pat J.-I cannot believe that you are cooking, going through the motions of a normal Christmas. There is no way I could have pulled that off.

My best to you both as you ride the rough coaster of grief...

Dec 25, 2010
He's In A Better Place----------
by: PAT J

I'm so tired of hearing "He's in a better place, he's not suffering anymore, he's an angel watching over you................" Yeah! OK! I'm in a terrible place without him. I'm suffering, I don't want him to be an angel. I want him here with me to share this Christmas with our three adorable grandsons. My two year old grandson walked in this morning for our annual traditional huge Christmas breakfast and said, "Gamma, where's pop pop?" I went to pieces in front of everyone, got everyone else all upset. It's only been three weeks. Those who haven't been through it just don't understand.

I pray for peace in the hearts and souls of all of us grieving widows and widowers. God bless us all.

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