Sometimes It's Best They Don't Say Anything
That's Chuck and Me on the Right In before-illness days with his friends from Detroit.
It's been 3 1/2 months since Chuck's passing . I said in my last writing that it's becoming less hard. Wow! ten minutes after I wrote that I burst into tears in the bank when I saw a man who looked shabby and thought of my Chuck and how nice he always looked.
It's Christmas day and last night I had OUR regular party stuff, for just me and my son and Chuck if he wanted to "visit". It was so lonely and haven't a clue to what I was thinking when I bought the stuff. Maybe a sense of normalcy to continue the way it used to be. It's like something drove me to do it. After I ate I felt so damn lonely. I look at his picture of him in his wheelchair and take it and kiss his face and tell him I miss him and still love him deeply.
I cried over so much because every love song or song saying all I want for Christmas is you or blue Christmas or TV show that was about couples in love or losing love just brings me to tears.
I go to bed and still rub the spot where his shoulder would be to calm and comfort him. I told him that when I did that it meant he was loved, cared for and safe. I did that every night for 3 1/2 years and wish I could still be comforting him.
I saw people I know yesterday in the mall and they say "He's in a better place", " he's not suffering anymore" and "Life must go on" and "He would want you to be happy" none of which comforts me at all. I just wish they would stop offering up their _"HAVEN'T GONE THROUGH IT YET CRAP"_ and just say I'm Sorry.
This is one helluva roller coaster ride.