Son's accidental drug overdose haunts me still, 2 years later

2 years ago, my son Mark died of an accidental drug overdose at 28 years of age. Part of my heart and soul was instantly removed. I found him dead at 9:00 am on May 31st, 2010, and my world has never been the same. It's true that grief becomes less intense, but the void it leaves in your heart is there forever. None of us realize what it is like to lose a child... people always say "I just can't imagine" ...and I was one of those people. None of us think it will ever "happen to me". I have to say that, NO, you can NOT imagine this pain. Just about the time you think you are going to be okay, your world comes crashing down on you. For example, this year I thought I would be better off going to work on the anniversary of Mark's death. You know, I thought I could just "stay busy" and maybe that would be a good thing, but what a disaster that was. I started crying about an hour after I got to work and I couldn't stop. I relived the whole thing in my mind, especially that moment I found him dead: the look on his face, the aspiration from his lungs, how I screamed in agony, what it felt like when they told me he was "gone", how it looked when they had his body on the stretcher with a sheet over his head. It was all so surreal....and it all came crashing down on me again when I did not expect it. In the future, I will never work again on that day. I will take the day off to honor him in some way and to think of the good things...like his heart of pure gold.

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Dec 18, 2014
thank you for sharing.
by: Wendy

my heart truly goes out to all. So may heartbreaking stories, with the same tragic loss. I realise I am not alone with this terrible haunting, frightening grief.
I lost my beautiful son Sam 7 weeks ago, he was 26. He was bright, happy, worked hard, loved life. He had been clean for nearly 3 years, or so we believed, so it came as a horrific shock. He was found curled up on the floor in a hotel room in a pool of his own blood, from a severe nosebleed, with his bloody hand prints on the wall. coronary and respiratory failure from the toxicity of high levels of alcohol and heroin in his blood. We heard from the coroner yesterday with this report, it's taken some time. In some ways hearing made me re live that moment and I am utterly haunted. A million steps back.. Again.
Everyday is a struggle, the waves of grief are horrendous and just deepen daily. I'm seeing a trauma therapist who assures me within 18 months or so these waves will stop? I just can't believe I will ever feel normal again. Or accept that my beautiful son is gone. Forever. Sams death has been far reaching, there are many sharing this terrible pain in their own way. I feel very isolated, I live in Scandinavia, my son died in the uk, where also the remains of my living relatives live.
Does this pain ever go away? Will any of us ever come to terms with it? Each minute feels like an hour and yet life truly does just somehow go on.

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie


Sep 30, 2014
My love gone to this epidemic
by: Cristina Parada

Hi, my heart goes out to all those affected by this drug epidemic. I lost my boyfriend this LDW. 4weeks ago he relapsed and unfortunately passed away in his bathroom of a heroine od. He had suffered for awhile from this addiction, a disease that many young men and women like himself are suffering from more than ever. Christopher was 25, from Long Island, and had tons of friends. He had a contagious laugh and a smile that lit the room.In high school he defended handicapped students and he loved his two nephews more than anything. I try to remember Chris for all the good times we shared. He tried to stay clean, but he couldn't shake the temptation. His brother started a foundation in his honor to help others http://www.gofundme.com/ChrisPilato
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. Christina, you can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Sep 12, 2014
My Precious Boy
by: Anonymous

He died on 7.26.2014. I found him dead. He was cold stiff and black stuff coming out of his mouth and nose. I want to be with him. I am waiting on the toxicology report. I want to know how he died and if he suffered. I won't be able to handle if I find out he suffer. I can't function anymore.

Sep 09, 2014
Loss Of Only Son
by: Anonymous

I lost my only son on March 10, 2008 from an accidental
drug overdose. He was 32 years old. He was clean for 1 yr.
My heart goes out to the mother that lost both sons to a drug overdose. The pain of losing a child is heart breaking, you
never get over the loss. There is not a day that goes by that I
don't think about him. He was such a good person he would do anything for anybody without asking anything in return. I am fortunate to have loving husband, two wonderful daughters
and two beautiful granddaughters. After reading all the articles
In this column, all these children were loving and amazing.
May all parents that lost a child be at peace.

Aug 24, 2014
My Brother
by: Anonymous

My brother passed away on April 28th 2014 from an accidental heroin overdose. He died the same day as his 28th birthday, and he had told a friend he was going to get help 'after his birthday', so I think he was planing on using just one night more. His toxicology report said it was a lethal mixture of heroin, Xanax, and alcohol. He had a very close relationship to God and helped mentor other addicts over the last 10 years, he was such a wonderful human being, full of life and laughter. Unfortunately with a drug like Heroin, it is a lifelong battle for addicts, and he relapsed a few months earlier. I know now that he is finally free from his battle and torment and is rejoicing with the Lord. Heroin is taking the life away from too many great people...

Aug 24, 2014
Having a hard time
by: Anonymous

I found my son on June 27th.... I was with my daughter and we went to check on him thinking he fell asleep. I had a bad feeling being that he has had a problem in the past with drugs but after rehab thought he was doing well. We found him laying on the floor, of course I tried CPR but in my heart knew he was already gone. I ask everyone.... How do you get past the sadness, the missing. I can't seem to get past the missing of him , of what he would have become, if he would have gotten married had children. I miss him everyday. When does it get better?

Aug 16, 2014
overdose
by: Anonymous

i am so sorry for all of you i know your pain my son detoxed from painkillers and diazapan then relapsed only he took methadone to i had not seen him for 8 months as we lived quite a bit away from him and his familly i just spoke to him on monday same week and he called me at 11 am the day he died i missed that call the next call i got was from his partner telling me what had happened my world crumbled he was a good son with an illness he tried so hard but in the end the drugs took him from us thinking of you all its over 3 year now and i still cant get over it god bless xxxx

Aug 08, 2014
he always told me i love you mom
by: Anna

My beautiful baby boy Brandon (Only child) was a big hearted young man. 20 yrs young with so much to offer. After a heartbreaking breakup a few years ago he slipped away into a very dark place. I found out he'd been abusing Oxy's than from the Oxy he moved on to heroin :( On Jan 28,2014 he was found in his bedroom dead. Luckily my neighbors went in his room for me, they walked out crying,he was blue in color,biting on his tongue,and gone forever. I had to see him carried out in a body bag. A parents worst nightmare. My life has changed for the worst. A huge part of me has died. I miss my hi to,my son,my Brandon. Until we meet again son. I love you to infinity.

Aug 03, 2014
We did not know.
by: Anonymous

July 1st 2013 I was woke up by my Daughter yelling mommy mommy Daddys Dead and my Husband of 21 years died on the couch of a over dose he had a drinking and drug problem all his life in and out of jail and mental hospitals. he had a Borderline Personality Disorder and had try in the past to kill his self..we thought that he had just passed out on the couch like he had done before he had been gone a week when he came in went to sleep and died
its been over a year and I feel so bad about what happen I cry a lot I miss him so bad I ask god to for give him every night in my prayers. and our Daughter finding her father dead and her screams to me mommy mommy Daddy's dead haunts me still.its a very hard thing to live with when you lose a loved one to a drug overdose but I did not know what he had done before he came home.

Jul 25, 2014
some ideas for 15 yr old that overdosed
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry that you had to witness your son overdosing...it must have been awful. However, the good part is he is still with you and did not die. You asked ,"what do I do now?" Well, I am certainly no expert, my son died of an overdose July 22, 2013. He was almost 26. He was not at home when this happened. I would say contact the school's substance abuse counselor..they might have some ideas for you. He needs a drug program...he needs to see a drug counselor or social worker particularly for addicts. There are doctors that specialize in addictions ( i really didn't know that) If I could relive the past, I would do what I said above and then try to get him into a 30, 60 or 90 day program far away from his friends. We don't want them out of our sight but sometimes it is necessary for them to get out of their environment. After the live-in program there are "sober living facilities" they go into...I think they are what "half-way" houses used to be...but I am not positive. We didn't think it was at that point yet...but obviously we were wrong. I now believe any use of drugs is THAT point. My son was partying... celebrating his upcoming birthday...instead...we buried him the day before his birthday. Do ALL that you can do NOW. It starts with one phone call...ask where you should call next...write down the names and numbers and just keep calling and asking what should you do for him. It doesn't always cost a lot of money...sometimes you can get assistance. I don't mean to scare you but you need to act NOW.

Jul 24, 2014
son just od 15
by: Anonymous

My son just almost.od tonight. I called.911 .and then i watched and waited he did not die.what now how do.i fix this he is 15.

Jul 14, 2014
a place for
by: Anonymous

Sad Sister,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know, only too well, the pain you are feeling. We lost our youngest son on July 22, 2013 to an accidental overdose. A group I have found to be helpful is GRASP. (Grief Recovery After Substance Passing) Look to see if there is a local chapter in your area. There is also a Facebook page. I wish eternal peace for your brother and much strength for you and your family. Using the words of my middle son, " we choose to remember and celebrate the 25 years that we did have Aldo in our life...not dwell on what we no longer have." Of course we still get very sad and emotional... but try to remember the great time you had with your brother and be so thankful that you HAD those years with him.
Hug your parents a lot... and re-enforce how good they are to you...
Stay well...
Pati

Jul 13, 2014
26 year old brother died of accidental overdose (6/15/2014)
by: Sad Sister

On June 15, 2014 my older brother passed away due to an accidental overdose. He was only 26 years old. I am still in complete shock and can't go very long without breaking down. I have so many mixed emotions and feel so heartbroken; I can't even begin to imagine how my parents feel.

My brother served a tour in the Middle East while in the Army, and never returned home the same. He became addicted to pain killers, then heroin and began down a destructive path. For the past 18 months, however, he had changed his life. He was sober. On June 15th, he had his first "slip", the same night that he died. I can't get this awful image out of my head of him making the decision he did and taking his last breath.

My family and I have no experience with losing someone in this manner, but are realizing this is sadly more common than we thought. My heart goes out to anyone else who lost someone in this matter. There are no answers, and no closure.

I cannot believe it's only been a month. My heart hurts so much. I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw him at his funeral. To know he is now buried beneath the ground is more than I can bear. What makes me the most sad is knowing he will be 26 forever, while the rest of us grow old and try to carry on with life.

Any advice on grieving or resources for losing someone to a drug overdose would be greatly appreciated.

Jun 18, 2014
Brandon
by: Anonymous

My funny, loving, handsome son, with so much love, life and energy died in his sleep October 9, 2013. His death was caused by an accidental overdose. I think of him every day...the person he was...and will always be. We love you son.

May 27, 2014
My sons passing on 3/31/14
by: Keith Schultz

This is the worst thing that can happen to a parent, burying your own child. My life will never be the same without him.
He was 37 years old a successful game designer and he made a wrong choice using drugs to stay awake or in the zone as he used to say. I know he loved me as much as I loved him
I will miss him dearly . I will forever remember all the wonderful memories we had.

May 17, 2014
Loss of my brother
by: Tamer

My brother died from an overdose of prescription drugs on January 11, 2014. I did not find him - my mom did. However, I was there with her during the four hours it took for the medical examiner to come and remove the body. I watched them carry him out in a plastic bag and put him on a stretcher. The grief and guilt over his death has really started to hit me just in the last month. We had tried to help him with his addiction, but he never thought he had a problem. I can only imagine the pain my mother feels each day - especially knowing how much my grief affects my day to day routine. My hearts goes out to you for the loss of your son.

May 02, 2014
Thanks for sharing
by: Lindsey

My brother died of an accidental overdose, next week will be the 1 year anniversary. Your posting helped me center my thoughts about what to do with my parents when we all sit around because we can't think about being at work.

Thank you for your willingness to be open and I'm very sorry you lost your son. Sending you a hug.

Apr 22, 2014
On the right path...
by: Pati

I am so happy that you are on the right path again! My son overdosed in July of 2013 .. He also started with Oxys...God Bless You and keep you safe and free of struggles...

Apr 20, 2014
Recorvered heroin addict - 2 years clean
by: Cassie H

I graduated from highschool in 2009 and by the end of that year I had gotten into trouble. I snorted oxycontin first with my ex and his friends, they got me into it. Michael and Bryan introduced those horrible drugs to me.
After that things went downhill... what kind of a guy introduces opiates to at 18 year old girl??? After snorting oxys for a while Bryan and Mike kept bragging about the rush they got from injecting the oxys and kept being presistant on trying it myself.
Sadly I caved in and let Bryan shoot me up for the first time and instantly I was HOOKED, yes after the first time. After months of using and driving to get the pills from Bryans dealer things got even worse. It took me to about a year to come to the realization that I was addicted to drugs. My parents and family found out and that was the beginning of a long battle and it took them forever to understand.
Bryan, Mike, and I lost touch and we all went our separate ways. Eventually I moved on to Heroin, worst decision I have ever made. I constantly lied, stole from my parents, sold their stuff, sold my clothes, did whatever I could to get the drug. When you use opiates it opens up a new door and you meet lots of horrible people. My partner in crime was another girl, Amy. We were always together, always thought the same thing, always wanted to get high.
This went on up until 2 years ago. I was in and out of rehab, got into trouble with the law, constantly got kicked out of the house, and so much more.
I began dating Aaron who is still my boyfriend today
(4/20/14).
He has been here every step of the way, he has saved my life. He dealt with all my bull and lies, and eventually found a doctor and I have now been on Subutex for 2 years. I used up until the day of my appt. and have now been clean since then (2 years clean). I loved Heroin it came first for a long time, it always made me feel better, always cured the emotional pain.
In order to get clean you have to want to, and a lot of people dont understand that. Amy the girl I told you about earlier was a close friend, always had my back. She passed last month of an overdose and that really struck deep. I realize how horrible Heroin is and I will never go back. If I can get clean... anybody can. R.I.P. to all who never had a chance to get a way.

Apr 15, 2014
acciental overdose.....
by: Karen R.

......My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child in this horrible way. I just lost my daughter March 29, 2014 heroin overdose. The sad thing about it is she was not a drug user a drinker, yes, but drugs not anything other than pot smoking. She tried heroin when she was drunk the detective handling her case told me from the autopsy she was a healthy young woman, not a typical drug user. But it only takes one time and it turned out fatal for her. I also live in grief everyday it never leaves it is always there with me, the hurt I know will get less but it will never leave. I miss her so much I break down at some point during the day. I have not touched her room it is still the way she left it. I keep thinking if only I had been home that evening maybe I could have stopped her or not. The quilt is unbearable how do I go on?

Mar 18, 2014
accidental
by: Anonymous

does anyone know how they detemine if the overdose was accidental my sons death certificate says overdose i am not sure if that means suicide he lived 150 mile away from me so i only got told that by his wife he had a precryption drug addiction dehydrecodine and vallium he came of everything for a while and when i called the correner he said my son had along with the drugs he already took there was methadone in his toxolgy result am beating myself up wondering if it was meant or accidental with overdose being writen on his death certificate i can not talk to his wife about this as she does not talk to me its 3 years now and feel its killing me plz any replys i would be so greatful x

Mar 07, 2014
my beloved mikey
by: marga corcoran

recover from grief i never will it's a place i now live or should i say exist. i read these sites over and over and feel others pain, somehow your losses help me, i am not so all alone. how awful, but it helps me know that i am not. i feel so bad for all of you for i know how it feels, i want to go and be with him, but i cant that would hurt my daughters who can not feel more loss and pain

Feb 19, 2014
My Son Too
by: Anonymous

I'm so with you, sounds so much like me, I lost my son September last year, heroin...the Lord bless you

Feb 16, 2014
Losing my son Nov 26, 2013
by: Anonymous SLC

Just as many of you write, you never, ever believe this could happen to you, to your child, to your family. My 23 year old Drew was 7 months sober - so proud of that accomplishment. I was at home with my girls the evening the "knock on the door" came. I can hear the scream NOOO as it came out of my mouth... but the voice isn't mine - it comes from somewhere deep in my body that I never knew existed. I am still reeling from this loss. we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in a fog - so many people around, so much support, so much love being poured over our family. Then... we all know the moment, when the door closes and the tears just flow, and that hole you never will ever be able to fill again - that only my sweet Drew has a place in that part of my heart that place in our family. I pray for each of us = the members of this 'club' that none of us asked to join, that nobody would ever want to be part, and I pray each of us finds ourselves remembering the good things about our lost loved ones -- not the horrible part of the life that drugs took away from our children and our family. Prayers for peace to you all.

Feb 10, 2014
Deeply saddened, angry and in shock.
by: Anonymous

My dad passed away a few days ago, seemingly from a heroin overdose. He has battled an addiction to heroin, alcohol and pain killers for at least my whole life. I always supported him, and most likely enabled him. Taking care of my dad became my obsession. About two years ago, I could no longer mentally handle the selfishness, strain and constant fear that followed my father. One of the last times we spoke on the phone I told him he had to change.

A glimmer if hope presented itself when my dad updated me a few weeks ago- he had been sober for a few months and said he "finally grew up." I would love to say I immediately called him with joy and forgave him for everything. But I didn't and I simply couldn't. I had been fed lies since I could remember. Either way, I invited him over for lunch so we could catch up. He was supposed to come over in two weeks.

Mid last week I received the call. Believing my dad had been sober, I assumed he had a heart attack. However, when my family and I took a trip to his new apartment, we found out a very different situation occurred.

I can't explain how I feel. I am devastated that I can never see my dad again. I am angry that he broke his promise again and left me here. I am embarrassed. I feel guilty, like maybe I could have done something different. I guess I don't know what else to say, I was just hoping this would help ease the pain.

Jan 26, 2014
my heart literally aches
by: Jenni

I read these comments often. I left a comment about a year and a half ago about my precious son. I lost him when he was only 22 years old. He overdosed on methadone. There was another drug mixed with it. But methadone was the ingredient that the autopsy declared as his accidental overdose. I miss him every second of every day. Does time make it easier?? No way.... Does time heal your heart? ??? Not even close. What has happened with me? ? I've tried to learn how to carry on. Not day to day. But moment by moment. I love to talk about him and I love to recall all of the precious memories I had with him. But, oh to hear his sweet voice. ... to touch his sweet face. ... to hug and squeeze him so tight. But my son... he's not sick with the horrible disease of addiction anymore. He is well.... and it is well. ... with my soul. God help us to carry on... here, while we are still on this earth.

Jan 05, 2014
Thinking of you
by: Anonymous

I know your pain, a month and a half ago I found my twenty year old twin brother's lifeless body in our driveway from an accidental overdose and was never an addict. My heart aches for you I know the feeling of loosing someone who should never of been taken. Know I am thinking of you and your family is in my prayers.

Dec 31, 2013
Lost my brother
by: Anonymous

Just earlier today, i discovered my brothers lifeless body, caused by a heroin overdose. I still cant believe it really happened, the entire ordeal was way too surreal and happened so quick. Doing my best to pull through, my condolences go out to all of you who have lost friends and family.

Dec 20, 2013
so sorry
by: Anonymous

i to lost my son to overdose prescription drugs then someone gave him methadone he came of cold turkey 2 years before then went back home and relapsed i was told it was accidental by his wife but the death certificate says overdose so i will never be sure i was told he went to bed and just never woke up i really feel you never get over the pain you learn to live with it but it has changed me so much dont think i even know who i am now im so sorry to hear you have all went through this

Nov 27, 2013
A parents love is unconditional
by: Anonymous

My heart bleeds for every single one of you that have commented here. We wouldn't be on here commenting if we all weren't experiencing the same pain. Nothing's worse than the loss of your your child. We ask over and over in hearts and minds, why? I'm sure many and most of us all come from different walks of life and although they are all different we all have the same common denominator .... The excruciating pain that will never subside. This Thanksgiving I hope and pray that out hearts will feel the comfort of our dear child that we so dearly miss. Please try and remember the loving moments and forget the "disease" that eventually took our child's life. I know it's hard but I'm trying my best because I sincerely am a firm believer that one day I will be reunited with my dear sweet baby. But for now the only thing that keeps me going is truly believing he's at peace and not struggling with the agonizing pain of "addiction". I seen the hurt and pain in his eyes, in his face, in everything he did. How badly he didn't want that kind of life for himself, but as it has shattered my life, my heart, my world, I try to find some kind any kind of comfort in the fact he's no longer in pain and suffering. I will admit it doesn't help heal the aching inside of me that's consistently there,but that's all I have is that thought .... That he's no longer suffering with this horrible horrible disease.
God bless you all .... My heart aches for all of us.

Nov 27, 2013
I lost my son a week and a half ago
by: Peggy

My son was 29 years old, and he had been clean since 2006. Saturday Nov 16th my whole world has changed, My 38 year old daughter found her brother on the bathroom floor she called 911 and when they got to my house they told her he was gone. We have not got the toxicology report back but the police office said it was heroin. I still can't believe he is gone. There was a lot of blood all over my bathroom. he left behind 2 little girls 3 1/2 and 18 mos old, we had to tell the oldest her daddy was dead, of course she doesn't understand, just that daddy isn't coming home. How do you get past it. My heart is broken I stop to think what he went through, was he in any pain? So confused and just asking Why Why Why

Nov 14, 2013
Losing A Son to Overdose
by: Anonymous

I lost my son one month ago today to a suspected heroin overdose. We haven't received the report back, but the black tar on his sleeve is all the proof I need. I've cried everyday. He was an amazing young man with every reason to live. A girlfriend who had stood by him for 4 of the 8 years of addiction. He had a son on the way, a supportive family, plans to return to college and happier than he had been in 8 years. He had been in treatment, clean for 122 days, living in a half-way house where he had several close friends. He spent his last day with his family, laughing and relaxed as he could be. I'll never understand the decision to make the call, the last poor decision of his life, but I will always believe he tried his best to recover and the problem was just bigger than he was. I love and miss him every minute, but I thank God for the last 122 clean days, when he was my son again and I was able to love him and experience life with him the way things were before the addiction started. I never kicked him out of the house, or used the "tough love" treatment that I feel is abandonment. He chose treatment after he lost his job and discovered he had a child on the way. I visited him every week in residential treatment and we saw him often and spoke with him daily during his time at the half-way house. He had been in treatment 4 times before and had overdosed 3 times, so when he was trying so hard and doing so well I thought we had survived the horrible disease. Unfortunately, I found out differently. I love him and wish it was different, but I will continue to live knowing I will see him again and he is finally free of this horrible controlling illness that is so misunderstood.

Nov 01, 2013
We lost our 23 yr. old son to accidental overdose
by: Philip Moore

My wife and I lost our son to an accidental overdose on September 4, 2010. He has been trying to get himself off of pain killers that sprouted from a knee injury. When they did the autopsy, they found methodone in His system. He was trying to fight for custody of his son, our grandson, and we believe that he self medicated instead of going through Rehab so the court wouldn't know. He was the most beautiful son I could have asked for. He was my fishing buddy, and loved his two children. He had just Re-dedicated his life to the Lord, and had been baptized four days before he died. He was really trying hard to get his life back in order.. He was happy, had a new job and all was going his way. Then the awful morning of the 4th, when my wife went to wake him up for work and found him dead. It was a nightmare from Hell, and if anyone who hasn't lost a child, cannot even remotely know what we go through. Yes, it has gotten a little easier, but I miss him so much and just can't wait to see him again. It tears your heart apart and your life is forever changed.

Oct 29, 2013
I, too, have lost a son to an accidental overdose.
by: Pati

Last Sept. (2012) I brought my son home from Florida to "save" him. We had just found out he was addicted to prescription pain pills, "oxys", "roxys", hydrocodone and suboxone were a few names he mentioned. He had gotten into some trouble, so we helped him and brought him home. He was mandated to go to a drug program and probation. He went for a few months...and during those months he was my son again... his face shining and eyes clear. Then he told us he was unhappy with that program and was waiting to get into another...supposedly he saw his probation officer regularly and we *thought* he was getting drug tested. See.. he said he needed to do those 2 things (probation officer and drug program) alone..didn't want anyone to think he needed Mommy and Daddy to be with him. So we stayed home... and trusted him....and trusted the system. We went to Jamaica for a family wedding, he couldn't go because of probation. His girlfriend and he went to the City to celebrate their birthdays. He overdosed that night on heroin, cocaine and tequila. We didn't have a clue about the heroin or cocaine... not a clue. He was without oxygen for over 30 minutes before they could get his heart beating again. When we finally got a flight back the next day, the Drs. told us his brain was too far gone. He was an organ donor so they kept him "alive" for 2 more days and officially declared him dead on July 22, 2013. We buried him the day before his 26th birthday. There has not been a moment that I have not thought about him, first thing in the morning and last thing at night as I hug his t-shirt to me, as I once hugged him. The pain in my heart is devastating, a piece of me is gone forever. I have never cried as fiercely as I have lately... not sobbing but wailing .. the tears seem to have subsided a bit but the holidays are coming and I am afraid.
of what will come. I feel I failed him. Everyone says I should not think that way, but I am his Mother..I should have been able to protect him and keep him safe. God Bless us all...

Oct 29, 2013
I know your pain..
by: Ree

Hello, I would just like to say I'm so very sorry to everyone who lost a child,due to an drug overdose. I lost my son, he died May 2nd 2013. Although he didn't die from an overdose the pain is still very close related. God bless to each of you.

Sep 21, 2013
Help
by: Jg2424af@gmail.com

I went to a memorial today, a friend of my sons it
Was a do, he did it from what my sons say!! What fi do!
My son also uses, he has accidentally over dosed
, he has been in and out of rehab.. He is 24
His friend died just 6 days after his 23rd bd!!
Where do u get help other than GOD!! I fear
Of the call telling me he is dead!! He has
Depression issues , I don't know how to help
Him.. He has been fighting this for 3-4 years now..
God give me strength to do and say what I must!!

Sep 19, 2013
I miss Michael
by: Kelly

I lost my son Michael to an accidental heroin overdose yesterday. He was 18. Michael battled his addiction for 4 years. He was in and out of rehab 7 times. He was clean for months when he relapsed a day ago. He overdosed and I found him in his bed yesterday morning. I am devastated. I miss my beautiful baby boy and don't know how I can go on without him. I am looking for advice on how to survive the loss of a child

Sep 04, 2013
Suboxone
by: Anonymous

Suboxone is a narcotic and opiate just like Percocet or hydromorphone except you don't get high. I've done extensive research and am on subutex AND hydromorphone. So, suboxone is not the cure. You are now addicted to another opiate, just a partial agonist. I agree that suboxone saves lives in the very beginning. You only need but so much suboxone to get clean. The maintainence is the $$$ making part just like methadone clinics. Suboxone saved my life as well and don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. However, being a person with medical issues and chronic pain due to having cancer yielding a complete hysterectomy on suboxone you will have a for sure hard time if you should hurt yourself or need surgery. Subutex is without the "narcan." The "naloxone" is short lived and any addict can manipulate and still get their high. Please do your research. In the long term you MIGHT kick yourself for being on maintenence. Just like I am. And it is not right for any physician to say your receptors are gone forever. Trading a drug for a drug. There will be a point where it like every other opiate stops working because you are tolerant to it......that's when the real work starts.

Sep 02, 2013
No longer a slave to pills
by: Anonymous

After a twenty plus years opiate pills habit, I have been on suboxone since 2007. Let me tell you...it saved my life. My doctor explained to me that my long term opiate addiction damaged my receptors and I could no longer make endorphins the was "normal" people do. I have decided to take a maintenance dose of suboxone the rest of my life. Other diseases require treatment and my disease requires suboxone. While on suboxone you can't slip up and take opiates because you will go into instant withdrawals. I work very closely with my family doctor and my addiction specialist. It is very important to be honest about your intake to every doctor you have. I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. I even had major surgery and didn't use any opiates after I got out of the recovery room. Because of all my years of using, nothing really works anyway. I have a good life now and CPS granted me custody of two of my grandchildren. If I had been still using they would have gone into foster care. If I can keep this monkey off my back then so can you. Please stop blaming others for the addicts drug use too. Every addict knows just what they are doing when they ingest their drug of choice. Going back to the spot to show everyone how good your doing, taking up with people who are actively using, thinking you can safely use one last time....all spell relapse and possibly death. When I was using I wanted to live yet didn't care if I dies. Watching "friends" OD and die around me didn't even make me stop. I had to get to a point in my life where I wanted to stop using more than anything else. Once I decided to get clean I contacted an excellent addiction specialist and family doctor. I no longer think about pills 24/7 and haven't had the urge to use in many years. Some may say the suboxone is a crutch. I thought that way too. But when I got totally off suboxone the urge to use came right back along with major depression. My doctor immediately put me back on a maintenance dose and there I will stay. It works for me and saved my health and my life.

Aug 18, 2013
Dear Daddy....
by: Erica

It will be 10 months, 10 horrendous months of such intense pain and acceptance at some points. I feel bad about the acceptance part. I just yesterday got some bad new from my Dr. and I thought "I need to call Daddy!" Then immediately I realized.....he's not here anymore! Well....needless to say, what a moment of grief I had. I go through life and it's ups and downs without you when you should be here. I'm a bit angry. I'm a bit of everything. There are some days that I don't even think of you and then I remember and I feel terrible like I should cry every moment. Sometimes my tears are dry sometimes they are immense. Your presence is always missed and I'm terribly afraid that I will forget your laugh or your humor. So many people don't understand that you were just like my own child even though I was your only child. So I've lost my Father, my Daddy, my "child" and my best friend. You did put us through some hell but, I wouldn't trade any moment with you for anything. Yes, this has gotten not easier but livable however, like others say the void and the knowing you are forever gone is so painful. I really don't know what to say as I am having a hard time still trying to put the right words out there of how I feel. It's Definately a roller coaster of pain. I will always talk about you, think of you and talk and pass on things about you. I like always...hope I will be with you again one day. Love you~~Erica

Aug 15, 2013
Danny's Mom
by: Anonymous

June 5, 2013 started as a normal day. I went to work. came home, made dinner, and was watching TV before I went to bed. But, then there was knock on my 3rd floor door, which never happens since someone needs to be buzzed in. There stood a policeman at the door, and he told me that I needed to call the police. My 24 year old son Danny lived in Chelsea, so I knew that this concerned him. As I tried to control my panic, I dialed the number for the police. In my haste I mis-dialed, and received an in-coming call. It was my daughter calling me from Puerto Rico, where she was spending vacation. She was crying hysterically, and finally was able to tell me that my son was dead of an overdose. One of his good friends had heard that Danny was found dead in his apartment a few hours earlier. He called my daughter hoping to be told it was not true. But - it was true. My only son had battled prescription drug addiction for years, and had been to rehab, and seemed to be doing quite well. But it was a lie - he had started doing heroin, since it cost much less than Oxys, which were his drug of choice. My daughter tried to get him court-ordered back to rehab when we found out about the heroin, but Danny denied that he was using, and his lawyer got him off the hook. So, he manipulated the system and it cost him his life.
To all of you that have lost your sons or daughters - I know your pain, I know your emptiness, and I know the self-blame. That is now my life - self hatred and self recrimination for not doing more to save Danny from Danny and his demons. Such senseless losses to the evilest of drugs.

RIP Danny - til we meet again. I love you every minute of every day, and I miss you more than mere words can express.

Jun 02, 2013
My son goodbye love you always
by: Anonymous

I lost my son to heroine. Overdose in oct 2011 i so much Imiss him I think this all started when he was about 16 years old when was tricked in to taking this evil drug heroine by a so called family friend I remember him saying to me on the phone that he had taken it, I was so up set when he told me. Straight away I went and got a loan from the bank of £1000 To send him to a privite detox centre, when finally he got out you could see how happy he was as we all were, he knew that he had a second chance, however as the years went bye he some how sliped back in to his old habit, he never did let us know his full addition problems we only found out by strangers of what he was up to we started to question him but he turned out to a very good lierer and only told us what we wanted to hear I know deep down that he did not like what he was doing to himself but did not have the strength to fight the the power of the evil drug heron after a long thought. Battle he finally lost his life at the age of 45 years old leaving a his 5 year old daughter behind, how much we miss him from this day Rip son love you always mum & Dad xxxxxx


Jun 01, 2013
overdose
by: Anonymous

I lost my precious son to heroine on march 2nd 2013. He tried everything to get clean, I have never fought so hard for anyone like I did my son. I finally had to send him out of state away from it all. He was doing so well. My birthday is March 6th he wanted to surprise me by coming home for my birthday. got here on March 1st by early morning hours on march 2nd my son was dead. His funeral was the day before my birthday...And it hurts so bad, I want my son back so bad. he was such a good boy, good in school, played sports all through school, raised in church, loved to help others, I just don't understand why he would even look at the stuff, he did tell me he was so depressed and lonely and I tried to help him so much..God if I could just go back to when he was just a baby.

May 30, 2013
Heroin overdose
by: Anonymous

My 31 year old son died from a Heroin overdose in April 2013. He had just returned from a trip with a friend which was to keep him away from drugs. When he returned he craved them even more. He went on a binge, and on a Monday morning drove himself for one last high. He died in the car, probably with a needle in his arm. His father found him at the time they were trying to revive him. He was the sweetest, dearest person. He graduated college, was a basketball coach, was tall, good looking and athletic. I can't believe he is gone. Its so sad. I just want him back. And yes its very painful. I will be going to a support group in a couple of weeks, I need to be with people who understand.

Apr 30, 2013
No No No
by: Anonymous

Everyone you leave behind WILL be heart broken. I too thought about just going to Philly and banging up a bundle of heroin and calling it a day. But I can't. I am on a subutex taper because right now I chose to live. Yes, I still cry every day. Yes, I still feel so damn lost. But the damage that was done to me is the damage I will do to my kids and its not a picnic. I pray that my 400+mg oxycodone addiction will go away at some point. I pray I don't relapse. Or die trying to get clean and stay clean. My mother told me that the most selfish thing I can do is to off myself. She told me I will be with him again. I'm 34 and I think how long am I going to live? I want to be with Dad so bad. We have to get through evil to get to "heaven." Whatever our afterlife is. I too take xanies. I take bars. By the grace of some higher power I'm still here. I get very angry. Why are 90 year olds still kicking and my 57 year old father died? Was he not good enough? Why does "god" make these choices? I have become very angry. I can't go to rehab because I have a $2000 co-pay. Yes, $2000. And no place will work with me. But the $92/week methadone clinic will see me-- I would have to detox from xanax(the devil) first. And actually I do need them to a point. I have extreme panic disorder and PTSD. But I don't need to abuse them. Suboxone treatment which I was on is $400 upfront plus $70 Dr. Copayment every time you go to get your script and over $200 for one weeks worth of supply. Expensive. I was on for 2 years and March 31st was my last day that I took subutex. And yes, the withdrawal is horrendous. So I started back on 60mg-90mg every 4 hours of oxy. I still had a few subutex left and since I can't go to rehab I'm tapering myself. It's HELL. One little pill or a half a spoon of dope rules our life entirely. It's amazing to me. Please, someone pray for me. I don't want my kids to find their mother dead with a needle in her arm.

Apr 23, 2013
once again
by: Anonymous

My son died 02/16/2012. Heroin o.d. I am a pain pill addict. I have been talking to an uncle who has 5 yrs. clean from a crack addiction. He tells me I have to choose....addiction or get clean. He is right. How do I do this? I think that if I just die, everyone will be relieved. I dunno.

Apr 23, 2013
Overdose
by: Anonymous

I can completely relate to this. My sister died from an accidental overdose last july, its been a wave of grief. I dont know how somedays it happened and I wonder how did I miss the signs and on and on. My Mother found her on the couch, she had passed while reading a book.

I will take your words to heart and take the day off and celebrate her life on her one year anniversary.

I hope you can find some peace and share that with us, as you can tell, I can't just yet. I am still at the I dont understand point myself.

Apr 20, 2013
Prayers
by: Anonymous

It breaks my heart to hear these stories of young lives lost. Last August my son called me from the hospital where he had just been transported and amazingly “reanimated” from a heroin overdose. His trembling voice and expressed bodily pain was chilling and shook me to the core. A few months sober, and he did it again in a fast food restaurant bathroom. He is in a halfway house now and I am terrified that he will relapse and die. His older brother is now in a methadone clinic following a similar trajectory and appears motivated, but I understand opiates are profoundly dangerous and addicting. I am so sorry for everyone who has had to cope with the pain of loss- the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends- I can only offer my prayers and hope.

Apr 11, 2013
My son died of accidental overdose
by: Anonymous

It's almost been 1 month since I lost my son 3 weeks before his 18th birthday! I understand what you all are going through and I am sorry you all have to feel this pain! His birthday was 2 days ago! I blame myself I did something wrong, I didn't do enough, He was not addicted to drugs he had just started experimenting with a kid he hadn't talked to in years! I thought he was depressed from a recent breakup, I took him to the doctor for depression. I tried I know I did but did I try hard enough did I do everything I could I couldn't have because my son died and now there is nothing I can do about it. I feel lost, I feel empty My whole world is gone. I so hope I can heal a little I have 2 daughters who need me. I want this all to be a dream, I wanna wake up!

Mar 27, 2013
my Father passed from massive overdose
by: Anonymous

I am plagued by the pain that I feel every waking day and every night I go to sleep because on October 21st 2012 my Daddy passed away from a massive overdose. I took him as he was and cared for him like a parent. I followed him around, I went to the methadone clinic EVERY DAY. I carted him around from Dr. to Dr. I offered to pay for suboxone treatment(which is very expensive) we even got into a huge fight because he kept hurting himself and was losing organs and he attacked me and I stopped talking to him AND boom....he died. I feel guilty. I feel lost. I feel so sad, not the right words. I tried to start working again only to quit a very good job 2 weeks later because all I do is cry or welt up and am angry. I knew he was slipping away BUT, you are NEVER EVER prepared. I will never see him again or hear his laugh or hug him. He never was there for me as a child, teenager and adult up unto I became an addict at 28 from pain pills. But, I always really loved my Daddy and always wanted him around. I do not know how to go on. I don't want to be here anymore but, that is not an option due to the fact I have 3 children that need me. I break down on any given day or moment. I tried so hard to help him in any way. Now he is forever gone and that is it. It is all gone. It is all done. No one can say or do anything to make it better. Nobody can replace him. Sometimes I just scream out "when is it going to get just a little bit better?" I need help OR I too am going to fade away. I too lost a huge part of me and my soul and my livelihood, life, ect ect. I hope someone reads my message because perhaps any addict might know that it IS THE PEOPLE LEFT BEHIND THAT ARE EXTREMELY HURT AND DEVASTATED. We have to somehow make it through each day until we too die and hopefully meet our loved ones again. If someone has any words that might help or whatever please email me: ericalee1978@gmail.com Thanks for reading. I love you Daddy.....I miss you

Mar 27, 2013
My 29 year old son overdose in a detox unit
by: Anonymous

My son died from a drug over dose while in a detox unit sometimes l feel l can't beer the pain of never seeing hi, again I wake and he is the first thing to come to my mind l just wish he could have stayed clean

Mar 20, 2013
My Franky 4 Ever Mine
by: Veronica

Last Year on August 27,2012 my son passed away at a Friends House it has been the hardest thing ever to experience he meant the world to me regardless what people said or thought he was my perfect little boy he was only 18 when he passed away due to an accidental overdose of mixture of Xanax bars codine and marijuana heroin that is what the toxicology report states I can remember it like it was yesterday that Monday morning after taking his little brother to register him in school I took a while there but when I was done went to his friends house to look for him cause he had not come home the night before and I hadn't seen him I knocked at the door and I asked for him and she kept staring at me and I was like please don't tell me he got in trouble and is in jail and she said no he didn't make it I was like what do you mean and she said well last night he came to the house looking for my son and he had a very slurred speech and I told him to lay down at the couch but in the middle of the night he was making a real loud snoring noises then in the morning when we tried to move him he was not responding so we called 911 and the paramedics tried to revive him but it was to late so I didn't get to see my baby hold him I feel at times that I have failed as a parent cause I wasn't there to help him I miss him so much nothing will ever be the same and the saddest thing is that cause of my pain I haven't been there for my other son how i wish this was a bad dream.:(

Mar 12, 2013
Miss my son
by:

I don't know why I post either. This is my third time since I lost my son on November 4th, 2012. He was 20 years old. I can't imagine the fear of losing another son to this horrible disease. You have been in my prayers.
I don't know whether to keep praying or just give up. Even though it has been a beautiful day outside, today has been horrible. My son would have been playing football...spring practice..He was an exceptional athlete..played quarterback. They nicknamed him "Tebow". He was a natural.

I sometimes want to turn my back on God too and quit talking to Him...I just am reminded from The Bible that I have nowhere else to go and that He has the words of eternal life. In a lot of ways, I feel like a hypocrite typing that because often times, and especially today, I just feel like dying...the pain is too much to endure.
I hope it gets better because I don't know how long I can live like this. I am so sad and I miss him so much. How do you make it through this? I am meeting with a grief support group at the end of the month, but what do I do until then? I can't concentrate or even fathom the thought of going back to work. I'm so sad.

Mar 06, 2013
7-12-84 until 2-16-2012so
by: Anonymous

So this is my 2nd posting here. My 28 yr old son, after a 30 day treatment,(his 5th Attempt in 2yrs), used 2-16-2012, he died as a result of accidental overdose. I have always considered myself a good Christian. I am mad at God now, have pretty much stopped my church activities...my bad, I know...but I have discontinued my talks with Him. I am not sure what to do from here. My 26yr old is using crack. My choice is at this point do I send the younger son to jail..he has warrants, or do I let him continue. Can I save him, or alienate him by calling the police on his warrants? Am also a single parent to 3 younger, drug free sons..19 to 24 yrs old..don't want to seem a bad dad.. s#$t s#$t!

Mar 05, 2013
I fee your pain
by: Anonymous

I lost my son it will be 3 years tomorrow Mar.6, 2010. There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of him. He was 34 years old. Somedays I feel like I can't make it through I know it is by the grace of God that I do. He left behind a beautiful daughter Olivia she will be 18 this year. She needs her daddy. I need my son. I miss him so much. We need to try to help other young people use our son's as an example and let God use them to help others through us. You are in my prayers. May God Bless!
Debbie Kimbler
Rest In Peace Michael I Love You!

Feb 11, 2013
Hearts Forever Changed
by: Maria

I lost my son on November 4th, 2012. He was 20 years old. He had made it through his third round of rehab and had just moved to a sober living facility. He posted on Facebook the afternoon before he passed away about how much he loved all of his friends and family and he thanked God for all He had done... that he couldn't have gotten this far without them.
Bryan was the most loving person I know. He was the first of my four children to call and wish me a happy birthday. He had so many best friends. Toward the end, he wanted so desperately to beat his addiction and stay clean. I found a note today which said, "I want this Dad, I want to stay clean". He wanted to be normal and get married and have children. Children loved him... and he loved them.
Valentine's Day is coming up soon and my baby will be heavy on my heart. As so many of you have said, I buried, what feels like, all of my heart the day I buried my son. His love will always remain in my heart. I think about him constantly, saying, "I love you so much and I miss you so much. Dear Jesus , give Bryan a kiss on the head for me." I am hopeful that with God's grace, healing will continue in my heart.
Our children are in God's loving hands. In the meantime on earth, someone once told me, "Stay close to our Lord, because that it where your child is". I believe this! My prayers are for everyone that has lost their child to this horrible disease and epidemic!

Feb 10, 2013
Forever, never the same anything........
by: Anonymous

My son died of an accidental overdose of a combination of methedone & zanax. He was 22 years old & had struggled with the disease of addiction since the age of 15. He was a loving & giving boy that cared deeply for his family. He wanted so badly to beat his disease. He wanted to be the greatest dad to his 2 years old beautiful daughter. But he couldn't escape his constant urge & desire to use. He's been gone from our lives for over 10 months. But to be absent from the earth is to be present with The Lord. My son, is in Heaven & well! Set free from his disease & addiction. There is never a moment that goes by that I don't want to call him, to hug him, to hear his sweet voice. I never knew the true meaning of the word "miss" til now, or the word "hurt". My life, my daughters life, my granddaughters life, & my entire family's life is forever changed. And now, I live in fear of losing my daughter. There is a part of me that died with my son that dreadful day. But there is a part of me that has to live on for my loved ones that are still here. God help my aching soul & God bless you all.

Feb 08, 2013
Grieving in CO
by: Anonymous

Nighttime is the worst. Over and over again, I relive the pain of losing my son on 5/2/12. I canceled his appt. that day with a new, promising drug addiction psychiatrist (one that that he liked) to attend my aunt's memorial service. Close to my aunt, he skipped the service...That evening, I knew he seemed out of it when I went to take my bath but I was exhausted and grief stricken. I heard loud snoring after my bath and thought, "He's passed out AGAIN in the kitchen." (thinking it was marijuana and alcohol). I decided to take a picture thinking it was just another passing out. Yet, without my contacts in, I didn't realize his breathing was severely compromised. When the snoring suddenly stopped, I called his name concerned, and saw his gray, ashen face. Instead of starting CPR (what was wrong with me?!) I yelled for my husband and he came down and started CPR. I'll never forget Keith's grey ashen face and my slow response. I miss Keith so much...the coroner called it mixed drug intoxication (marijuana and heroin - he had said that he had used it a couple of times prior to our appt. but did not need to be on suboxone... he openly shared this info with the new psychiatrist...we had hopes for a future that was not to be).
I read these stories and so deeply feel all your pain.

Feb 05, 2013
Loss of son
by: Anonymous

I lost my 20 yr old son 11 days ago and there is no words in the dictionary to explain the pain I feel. Know one loves your child quit the way you do and know one feels the pain as much. I keep asking myself did I do enough why did he take drugs. We tried to get him help as we felt we were dealing with mental issues but he did not think he had a problem. I know I need to go on but have no idea how. He was my baby and we shared a special bond . My heart is broken and he had the most beautiful smile and giving heart

Jan 15, 2013
My heart is broken
by: Maria

On November 4,2012, I lost my son, Bryan, to an accidental drug overdose. We are still waiting for a toxicology report, but were told he used heroin and then later trazadone. He never woke up.
I find it hard to describe the brokeness that my heart is experiencing. I tell my friends and family that I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest. I think and pray constantly, which I believe is a blessing. I am trying desperately to move beyond the intense pain and to begin healing, but everyday is a challenge.I look at his beautiful picture and smiling face and all I can say is "I love you so much...I miss you so much sweetie". I would have done anything to protect my son. I fought for him when others had given up on him and "thrown him under the bus" as just another kid with a drug problem.
I wonder how to move forward after such a life-changing event, but I know I must move forward and choose to live. I want to help others so that is my focus today.The process is slow though.
I am so sorry for all of you that have lost a child to this terrible disease. My heart goes out to all of you and I will pray for your healing as well. We will not forget our children. I find comfort in knowing that they are in God's hands.

Jan 12, 2013
Angry at God
by: Nicole B

My 19 year old son just died of a heroin overdose. I am so angry at God. Now I even wonder if God exists at all. Sometimes I find myself wondering if the funeral ever really took place. Did my son truly die at all. Then I look at the pictures of his funeral on my phone to put me back into reality. Its been 4 months and its starting to hit. I visit his facebook page often. I don't know what I will do when I go there and they have removed him. This is horrible and I don't know what to do.

Jan 09, 2013
My beautiful daughter
by: Jonathan

My daughter Brianna died of a heroin overdose on November 3rd, 2012. We are grieving her loss and miss her terribly every day.

She went to rehab 3 times and was doing well for 17 months before she relapsed this last time and after using for 2 months died. Addiction is a terrible disease and many people who have it can't stay clean. She struggled so hard to get well but couldn't get away from the drugs in the end.

I find myself waking up at 3 AM and aching for her to be here. Accepting that she has died is very painful. Going through grieving is a long process and I am at the beginning of the road.

I must also however remind myself that there are moments of serenity and feeling God's love even now. Her spirit and my love for her are eternal.

Compassionate Friends has been an invaluable resource and the support of other parents who have walked this path is healing and nurtures the soul and eases my heart.




Jan 08, 2013
7-12-84 until 2-16-2012
by: Anonymous

I've been waiting...for the pain to lessen. Accidental opoid overdose. 4 weeks out of his 4th treatment. He scored for a friend, and slipped and used as if he hadnt been clean for 12 weeks. He was found dead in the bathroom by his 5yr old daughter. He leaves two daughters, as well as 4 brothers, and his parents, etc etc.
When does the pain lessen? Roy Jr is so missed...the family is destroyed.
Each day is a struggle. Depression a constant factor in my life.

Dec 02, 2012
My brother overdosed last night
by: Anonymous

I can't believe this, I can't feel. I am so worried for our mother and little sister, their father. He is only 22 and had been struggling with addiction for the last 6 years.

Nov 17, 2012
Feel your pain and sorrow
by: Anonymous

To the attention of SR .... I just read your comment. It's been 3 months since i lost my son who was shy 3 days of his 21st birthday overdosed on heroin. Everything you just wrote I can relate to 100%. It doesn't seem to get easier it only seems to get harder. Every single waking moment is thoughts of him, or what I could have done differently, or will he forgive me for failing him, or will I ever be able to go to sleep without crying or wake up without him being my first thought, or should I say the first thoughts if being haunted by his last days here on earth. You see, I found my son on our driveway I was the one who tried to revive give him his life back prior to help arriving I was the one who laid there for 5 days and 5 nights in the hospital holding his hand not letting go I was the one who had to listen when they told me he'd never open his eyes again I was the one who had to make the choice to remove the breathing tube. Day after day every single thought and action of his last days here on earth haunt me. It's not like he was in a car accident and it was over suddenly over (and not that, that is any easier, its not) I suffered several agonizing painful days along with my son.I felt his pain of not only of the overdose but his suffering to overcome his addiction it's like he was suffering with so much anxiety and craziness inside him he could never find another way out. Believe ... you are not alone in your despair. This may not even make any sense but just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE !

Nov 16, 2012
Time doesn't heal all wounds
by: SR

It's been a year and 4 months since my son accidentally overdosed on heroin. I miss him more and more each day. Some days I get such an overwhelming sadness that it's hard to keep it together, even at work. I held it together in the beginning. But, as time goes on, it seems to get harder. I have had so many regrets and doubts about what I could have done to prevent this from happening. I guess I will always wonder. He had been through rehab and was involved in a special program for Veteran's that had gotten in trouble. He was turning his life around. One set-back. That's all it took. I cry myself to sleep most nights, thinking about him and he's the first thought I have when I wake up. I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child. I have lost a brother, a newborn grandson, grandparents. None of those compare to losing my son. He was always my "difficult" child. He always needed me more than the other two. I feel like I let him down and wasn't there when he needed me the most. Will he ever forgive me? Can I ever forgive myself?
I don't know why I'm writing this and I don't know how I could possibly help someone else through the pain, other than letting them know that they are not alone. Keeping his memory alive is my goal now. People get uncomfortable when I talk about my son. But, I don't care. I'm not going to pretend like he didn't exist. He was here. He did exist. I have the birth certificate, pictures and precious memories to prove it. He will always be my son and I will always be proud of him. That will never change.


Nov 15, 2012
help
by: kim

My son was 28 and. Died Nov. 4Th can someone please help my family and I are grieving horrible it happened at my sisters house and she blames heself everyone does. He left a wife and 11 month old baby girl behind. It's only been little over a week but I. Don't no where to turn.

Nov 01, 2012
brother
by: Anonymous

I lost my brother to heroin 37 years ago. he was only 19 years old. I think of him every day and still feel the pain of his loss.

Sep 12, 2012
lost my baby girl 10 days ago to heroin
by: Kathy

My beautiful daughter, Tia, died of an accidental heroin overdose on September 2nd, 2012. She was 22 years old & had been clean for 65 days when someone asked her to get them a large amount of heroin. I think she thought she could make some money & not do any. She couldn't. I went to check on her & her bedroom door was locked. I got angry & went around thru my bedroom, pushed open the door adjoining our rooms & INSTANTLY realized what had happened upon seeing her. It was the most horrific, unreal sight I have ever seen & I will never be the same. I have stayed strong thru making all arrangements & she had a beautiful service & obituary & we buried her yesterday. Now I am afraid it's really going to hit me & I still don't feel like it's real. She was incredible, in every way, & was finally looking forward to life. I am lost.

Sep 06, 2012
Son's accidental overdose, heart's bleeding and I don't think it will ever mend.
by: Anonymous

I've lost my son twenty six days ago on August 12th, three days prior to his 21st birthday.
I say it's an accidental overdose, because in the end, I know my son didn't ever think it would ever be him to lose his life over drug use.

I sent my son away to college to be educated, a few short months (7 to be exact) later, he came back addicted to opiates. The last 15 months of his life was that of struggle, hard work, and self control. Being at his side every single day to help him fight his battle. Never once leaving him, not even for a second. Even has he layed there, me trying to get his heart beating just one more time and give him his last breaths back. But all in the blink of an eye, a storm must of entered his mind and he had the strong urge to "use", ultimately costing him his life. I just wish that one night I would have said "No", when he asked if he could go with his friend (whom I knew very well).

I don't know if there will ever be a day of "normalcy" for me. The pain will never go away, I just need to find sense in a situation that made none. Raised in a home environment of no drug use or alcohol, and educated to stay away from mind altering uses of any kind. Fraternities, I suppose, educated him in a way that was opposite of his parents and home teachings. This is insane ..... Will I ever find hope for such desperation of wanting my son back, even for one day.

Why I'm writing this, I have no idea. Is it a step to healing? or desperation? or am I losing my mind?

Aug 25, 2012
Accidental overdose
by: Anonymous

My brother died a few days ago from an accidental overdose. It's so sad and I keep wondering if he suffered. I just hope he didn't suffer.

Aug 16, 2012
Never Forget....Always Remember
by: Anonymous

I lost both my sons, my only children to drug overdoses (both accidental). One was cocaine, the other was heroine. My oldest was 21 and died in 2005, his brother was 24. I was sure that the younger would see what his brother suffered and how many people he hurt. But, addiction is a disease. We can't control the outcome. I loved and love my angels with all my heart and the knife is still deeply twisted in my heart. I watched them both become different people. They were not the boys I raised, but they were the boys I loved.

Their father is an alcoholic and enabled both of them. He modeled the life of an addict but his choice was a bottle, not hard drugs. The family splintered as he drank and the boys entered into the world of drink and drugs.

I miss them every second and I wish I could stop their father from drinking. He lives a life of continual denial and deception. Did he contribute to their downward spiral by providing drug money and alcohol ? Yes.Did he cause them to die. No.

My heart and soul ache for anyone who has lost someone to addiction. May God grant you peace.
Know that this is a disease that the world treats like a condition that can be controlled and even prevented. Those of us who have lived with it know that the only control we have over it, is to redirect our energy and emotions into something more positive and peace-producing. I am so very sorry for your losses but please try to give back to the world by doing what you can to help others, no matter how small. Know that your children want you to be happy, though the road there will not be easy. xoxoxo Let not another person die from this awful disease. Reach out for guidance and help. Use the web, confer with your pastor or doctor, school counselor or close friend. THERE SHOULD BE NO SHAME ATTACHED TO ADDICTION. IS THERE SHAME ATTACHED TO CANCER?

SAD SISTER

Aug 03, 2012
Greif times two
by: Sosaddad

To each of you who have lost a child, I am so very sorry for you. For the veterans, more than a few years, it is scary to hear that the grief continues, even though it lessens. For the rookies, may God have mercy and compassion on you. I am both. Mel died on 9/20/2009 at 31 and Jenn died 7/16/2011 at 28, both from heroin OD. We will survive, by the grace of God. But sometimes we wonder "What's the purpose?" We know they did not want to die, and that they don't want us to suffer. So we will survive. God bless you all!

Jul 11, 2012
my only child died at 20 of an accidental heroin OD
by: Crystal

I had my son at 21 and buried him one month before his 21st birthday on October 5, 2010. He died 2 weeks after rehab. I also felt that my soul was sucked out of me, and there has been this big empty piece of me missing for a year and 8 months now. The pain at first was so heavy I thought surely it would break me and I would die too. But I did not die. I lived. A friend reminded me the other day that, "you're still here." This is now the part I am finding is both terrifying, and yet that I am finally getting my head around. The part about living and realizing that life is about loving. Loving that kid, Josh was my greatest adventure, my greatest joy, and that boy is what caused me to develop faith and to understand God's love. Now I must be brave, and live without my boy on earth with me. But I think the only way I will heal and ever be happy is to keep loving, to open my heart to more people God brings in my life. Life is long and though it feels like it this is not the final chapter of my life. I say this as a person who had to be hospitalized for my depression over my boy's death. So pls do not think I am being trite.

Jul 06, 2012
Thinking of you
by: Richard

My son Paul died in similar circumstances last September
My thoughts are with you as after 9 months it feels so raw again

Jul 05, 2012
Accidental Drug Overdose
by: SR

I lost my son to an accidental drug overdose on July 7, 2011. He was my middle child. He died one week before his 26th birthday and a little over a month after one of my newborn twin grandson's died, when they were born at just 24 weeks gestation. I had also lost my 17 year old brother 26 years ago to suicide. The pain and loss from my brother and grandson were devastating. But, nothing compares to the loss of my precious son. My world was falling apart. I am also the "reliable", "strong" one in my family. Everyone depends on me to keep things together. Trying to comfort my oldest son from losing his newborn and brother and spending 4 months going to the NICU to be with the surviving twin, helping with their 2 year old, and trying to be there for my daughter, has not left me proper time to grieve for my son. I miss him so much and feel so guilty that I wasn't there when he needed me the most. He was so full of life and so healthy. It just doesn't seem fair. He was an Army veteran and was so proud, as we were, of his service to his country. But, he struggled after he came home with PTSD, nightmares and depression. I believe he was self-medicating himself to help ease his pain. Some days, I don't think I will get through. I don't even know what I feel anymore. Nothing is or will ever be the same for any of us without our precious angels.

Jun 30, 2012
I lost my son from a drug overdose also
by: Tracy

I'm so very sorry for your loss. They are right when they say that no one understands the unbearable pain and overwhelming loss we feel unless you have lost a child. My son died at age 23, three weeks before his birthday. He fought his addiction for so long, but never won against those demons even in the end. He was addicted to opiates since he was 16 yrs old. We sent him to 7 rehabs, and he promised he would stay clean, but never did. I had a love/hate relationship with him, and the addiction. I ruly loved my son, and never deserted him-even during the worst of it. But I hated who he was when he was using! His dad and that side of the family wrote him off years ago, so when Jeffery died, I was the only one to suffer this extreme pain. Nothing had really changed for them in their daily lives. I miss him every single day, and find myself thinking he will call again. Then I remember he is gone. He was my firstborn, and I loved him greatly.
Tracy

Jun 23, 2012
Accidental overdose
by: Anonymous

My son died a couple of weeks ago die to accidental overdose. The pain is excruciating. I don't know how I will ever get through this.People don't understand unless its happened to them. There is no grief to compare it to. It is agonizing. So sorry for anyone who has gone through this as I have.

Jun 13, 2012
My son Brian
by: Teresa

It was august 3rd of last year. They say parents dont have favorites. well, we do! He was 23 and it was 1 month to the day of his 24th birthday. He was the male version of me & the glue that kept my oldest son, youngest daughter & myself together..Heal? how? We are loosing A WHOLE GENERATION OF CHILDREN to this major disease we call drug abuse.

Jun 07, 2012
my son died DO as well
by: Cristina

My son also name"s Mark and died 2 month ago as Aspirin overdose at 41 year old, I feel your pain as well as my pain that I've cried every day
since that day I got a phone call from coroner's office, I see member my family and friend have cancer and sick but they are all get well after
treatment but my son was a healthy and has beautiful body (he was personal training)died that
is not fair, I keep asking to God why and why, I've misses him so much and love him so much I don't know how to do some day and how long I could be like this, I miss and miss him everyday
God please help me.

Jun 06, 2012
My Robbie's accidental death
by: BONNIE

I understand how you feel, and it's been 3 months since I lost my beautiful son Robbie. He was 38 yrs. old and lost his life to pain meds that he was taking due to a bad back. My son had spent the night at a friends house and he found him in the morning. The medical examiner listed his death as 'accidental overdose'. You just never know when your feelings will hit you and thank God I do not work now, I do not think I could have handled it.
I pray that your pain will ease and please know my heart goes out to you.
God Bless you.

Jun 05, 2012
Same
by: Sandy A

My son died at the age of 28 from a accidental drug overdose as well. Jan 2011. How many of these stories are the same. Oh I feel your heartache and your words are like my own. I did take off the day my son passed the 1st (do we even call it ) anniversary ? I will take your advice and NOT go to work this jan 2013. It is true what you said - u think that maybe okay I am going to make it through today, and something triggers that emotional grief and you are a mess. How can a living person be expected to cope with this ? I think of all the years ahead and that I have to feel like this and I just keep praying everyday. Praying for peace in my heart and praying for peace for all the parents. I am haunted by the day it all happened as well and truthfully, if I find my mind slipping back to that horrible day I try to turn it away. Easier said then done some days. Until the day we see our sons again, we have to keep getting through one day at a time. Your words alone help me feel like I am not alone - I hope you know that you are not alone either

Jun 03, 2012
To Mark's Mom
by: Anonymous

Bless your heart. It is so hard to lose a child and then to relive it over and over. It's been 6 years for me since the suicide death of my son. I agree with you that the pain comes and goes with less intensity than at the beginning, but we no longer have the buffer of shock. We see and feel and taste and smell all the memories. I tell myself, "It could have been worse" when I read some of these stories like yours. I could have found him, but we were spared that. I still had vivid nightmares for a while, but gratefully no more. I mostly dream about him as a young child; a much better time to remember. It is so hard, friend, and I know that full well. No, others can't conceive and they don't even want to as if to pause and think about the possibility would make it happen. Those of us who survive this nightmare of loss go on to show others that it is possible to survive and even thrive. Knowing that God feels our pain having watched His Son die, but because He lives, we have hope in being with our sons once again and they will be happy and whole. Blessings, GT

Jun 03, 2012
So sorry
by: MJ

My daughter died 2 weeks ago from an accidental overdose. I do feel your pain. My heart feels like it's being squeezed, and I can barely breathe. I want the pain to go away. I miss my girl.
I wish the best for you. Please know that you are not alone. I'll keep you in my prayers, and all the other mom's that feel the same pain.

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