Sorrow for lost children

by Julie

It has been over a year.
But it feels like yesterday. And the week before that yesterday there was so much hope. I have a happy photo of myself to remember that. My husband took it soon after we found out about my third pregnancy. The third pregnancy MUST be the trick. After two devastating miscarriages soon after we married, here would be a chance to feel the breath of life and joy again, but with a different outcome this time. We had made sure to do everything in our power "right" and despite our difficult financial situation, we were optimistic.

I don't recognize the person I was in that photo anymore.

Our ultrasound and genetic testing revealed devastating news. Our baby had a likely chance to survive gestation in my womb, but with severe physical and mental abnormalities, which would require extensive and very risky surgery immediately after C- birth, the doctor did not give us much reason for hope. The choice for termination was suggested and under the circumstances my husband and I made a very, very difficult decision to accept responsibility and do the best we could by our baby and ourselves.

(I am pro choice, but I never anticipated having to make this choice. I still respect the privacy one needs in making this choice for themselves. This isn't about that and I hope those of you who feel differently on this forum can feel compassion for what is a great loss none the less.)

This loss of our third child is greater in some way for having to take responsibility for it.
After my miscarriages, the loss was great, and although my support group gave me understanding and sympathy, I felt lost and isolated.
After my abortion, I lied to that same support group, knowing there would be judgment and shame. Now my loss is compounded and I feel more lost and isolated than ever.

Comments for Sorrow for lost children

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Apr 14, 2012
I get it
by: Anonymous

When I was 17 I was in an abusive relationship. While it was against my better judgement, in coherced effort to prove my love for the jerk, I ended up pregnant. In discovering that he was trying to trap me and isolate me, I wound up confiding in my mother who took me for an abortion. I told myself that in time I would get over it, but being trapped with him I would ruin my life forever. Turns out that now-21 years later I still grieve from time to time. I have had two beautiful children since then. Between the two their was a miscarriage-which I blamed myself for. I felt it was payback for the abortion. When my oldest was a baby, I panicked from time to time that she would develop SIDS. I just felt I did not deserve my kids. My mother was so good for everything...we shared the secret, we shared the guilt and we shared the fear. I thought back then she was looking for an easy way out for her-not to tell my dad, not to face the facts, but over the years it was hard for her too. I felt guilt for having an abortion when women are struggling to have babies...I too have mourned the child I never met, and then again the miscarried child I never met. My mother gave me a book called "I'll hold you in Heaven" for women who have lost babies to any circumstances-including abortion. It's an old wound that I wonder if it will ever heal completely. My mother passed away a few months ago...and with her passed the one I could tell anything to...the one who knew all the secrets and loved me like there were no imperfections.

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