Sorrow for lost children
It has been over a year.
But it feels like yesterday. And the week before that yesterday there was so much hope. I have a happy photo of myself to remember that. My husband took it soon after we found out about my third pregnancy. The third pregnancy MUST be the trick. After two devastating miscarriages soon after we married, here would be a chance to feel the breath of life and joy again, but with a different outcome this time. We had made sure to do everything in our power "right" and despite our difficult financial situation, we were optimistic.
I don't recognize the person I was in that photo anymore.
Our ultrasound and genetic testing revealed devastating news. Our baby had a likely chance to survive gestation in my womb, but with severe physical and mental abnormalities, which would require extensive and very risky surgery immediately after C- birth, the doctor did not give us much reason for hope. The choice for termination was suggested and under the circumstances my husband and I made a very, very difficult decision to accept responsibility and do the best we could by our baby and ourselves.
(I am pro choice, but I never anticipated having to make this choice. I still respect the privacy one needs in making this choice for themselves. This isn't about that and I hope those of you who feel differently on this forum can feel compassion for what is a great loss none the less.)
This loss of our third child is greater in some way for having to take responsibility for it.
After my miscarriages, the loss was great, and although my support group gave me understanding and sympathy, I felt lost and isolated.
After my abortion, I lied to that same support group, knowing there would be judgment and shame. Now my loss is compounded and I feel more lost and isolated than ever.