by Susan Brooks
"Special friend" is how the obituary read. Nine years with this man and I'm referred to like some helmet wearing retard that was his pet project. Did they know something I didn't. Was I a joke to them? Like I was not worthy? Why mention me at all!
After his first wife died, I think they did not want him to have anyone else. His mother adored him with a sick kind of hero worship. His children hated me but that was in the beginning or did they tolerate me like my children tolerated him? Either way, it didn't stop us from enjoying each others company.
We had so much fun together. It was like we were joined at the hip. He made me laugh all the time. I miss that so very much. We were on the phone or at each others house. I still pick up the phone to call him and then I remember that he is gone.
I fell in love with him quickly because he treated me with respect and love. We lived together for years and were very happy. 2007 his 21 year old son had a heart attack that changed everything. Suddenly and rightly so, his life became about keeping his son alive. While he neglected himself.
May 20th this year, my love had a fatal heart attack. I feel if he had stayed with me it would not have happened. Sounds selfish right? Maybe so but not if you knew the whole story. He gave his life to someone who doesn't appreciate life and continues to smoke cigarettes and dope and wouldn't eat a healthy meal if you paid him to, not to mention he does nothing....no exercise, no job, no nothing but get high and will tell you he will live his life how he wants. Do you think he knew he
was killing his father? Did he care?
I feel cheated and betrayed. No amount of loyalty to his son was worth what he put himself through, his son has to live without him now so what sense does any of it make? He told himself that his son would never live to be an old man. Was he enjoying what time he had to be with him? Why did I do nothing?
I pleaded with him that he would not be there forever to take care of him, he would have to do it for himself. Still I loved him and even tried to help when I could.
Now I'm 54 years old with nothing in my future except feelings of despair and loneliness. I even regret loving again. I have no one. I'm alone and even have children of my own. A son who is the world to me and a daughter who thinks of me as a bother. She has her own family. My son keeps check on me, takes me places and spends time with me.
I feel like I couldn't risk these feelings again. Why make myself a target for these horrible feelings. It just feels like I'm stuck here. Nothing is as it should be, no future in sight and I'm doing it all so late in life that it is just terrifying. I must face a life with no purpose, without my best friend, my love, my adviser and it doesn't feel worth it anymore. I don't want to end up like my father after my mom passed away. I know how suicide survivors feel and I can't do that to anyone else. So pointless of a death. Didn't he know how I would feel without him? Still these feelings are mute now.
I know I would have done all over again with some big changes.