Speechless

by Jennifer
(Jacksonville, florida)


On March 30th 2013 , I lost my mom. I am devastated. I feel like I'm dying inside. I wake up and hope it's a dream but when reality sets in, I know it's real. I feel guilty because I think able it was something more I could have done to prevent. I am angry with God. My mom was only 57 and I'm the only child. Who am I going to call to hear stories of her adventures at the nursing home (where she worked) Who is going to make me feel whole? Who can I talk to that has no judgment ? What I'm going to do? I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT MY FEELINGS. I FEEL LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments for Speechless

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Aug 12, 2013
It's 4 months already and nothing has changed
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Speeechless. 4 months is still too early to heal from your loss of your mom. YOu say you are trying hard to grieve. You can't make this happen. The more you relax grief will happen automatically. There is nothing we can do to speed up the process. The process is slow and we cannot get over our grief quicker than it will happen.
You say you feel that you could have done more for your mom and you feel you are being punished for not being the perfect daughter. You need to change your thought life. Every time a negative thought comes into your mind change it with a positive one. Write out your feelings and this will flow onto paper and when you read it back you will see that things have changed. Write about some of the good things you did for your mom and with her. It will surprise you that your thoughts will reveal more than you think.
Most moms don't want perfect children. Just children who will love and respect them. I am sure you did this. Your thought life is assaulting you and making you feel worse. Change your FOCUS and you will find your inner world changing and you will start feeling more secure and your self esteem will grow. The secret lies here with a change of FOCUS. You are an only child and this is why you feel more lonely. One day you will wake up and start feeling better about life and yourself. Don't leave God's presence in prayer till He has heard you. He will answer you. You will feel His Comfort even if it is through other people because this is How God works. God says in his Bible. When father and mother forsake you "I WILL TAKE YOU UP." This is God's promise to care for Widows and orphans, and He will use people to do it. Look out for God's little Blessings. They will grow. Don't ever give up! Take one day at a time. Write back for more encouragement. We will all on this site see you through to better days.

Aug 11, 2013
It's 4 months already
by: Speechless

It's been four months already and the pain is just as sharp as the day she died. I'm living but not coping. I try very hard to start the healing process but it is not going well. God is suppose to comfort but I haven't felt it yet. I feel that it is my punishment for not being the perfect daugter. It's my hell on earth.

Aug 11, 2013
Praying for you
by: Speechless

I am crying now thinking about your situation. I wish it was something I can do. You are not alone. I feel your heart and know that it's going to take some time but everything will work out. Please e-mail me jenniferjakes@hotmail.com

Aug 10, 2013
Lost Child
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous, You are only 16yrs. and no one should expect anything more of you than to help you cope with the loss of your mom your whole world. You are so young to have gone through so much. Being negative comes easy to someone who has been hurt by life and can see nothing positive in life to hold on to so negativity absorbs your whole world. You don't have to live like this. Firstly you are a Child of God and He is your heavenly father. Reach out to God and ask Him into your life and to help you because you feel so lost you can't cope with the loss of your mom. God already knows your sister's have forsaken you and you are living in a home. God just needs you to communicate with Him and keep praying. God is the only one who can help any of us if we ask Him. I lost my husband to cancer 15 months ago and I am feeling unhappy just now. You are not alone in your suffering, but you are alone in the sorrow and grief you have to go through now. If you have 2 good friends keep them in your life. If you can find a counsellor who can help you through your grief this will help you. Find a Church and build up a life with God that will help you get through life. The Christian life is not an easy life. It has its own hardships but Jesus came to earth to live like us and feel our hurts and pain so He knows how we feel. We have death in life because of Sin but Jesus will one day destroy death and sin forever and those people who have lived for Jesus will live and reign with Him forever. Jesus is your Friend. He is Our Saviour, Redeemer. Build up a relationship with Jesus and He will bring you the Comfort and strength you need to get through your difficult life. We don't go through life alone if Jesus is in our life. He will guide and protect you. You need a lot of care and guidance still till you are able to care for yourself. Find good people who will help you. Stay away from drugs, and alcohol they won't help you cope with life. They will hinder you. Write back and let us know each stage of how you are coping so you are able to receive on going support on this site. When someone dies we feel lost for a long time. It is part of grief. this is normal. But you still need to be cared for. I hope someone can come into your life who can make it better and help you become the person you were meant to be. Don't ever give up!!! Best wishes.

Aug 10, 2013
Lost Child
by: Anonymous

i know the feeling of being lost. I lost my mom a little over a month ago. I am a 16 yr old girl who's only parent was her mom. I am currently living in a foster home because none of my sisters took me in. I feel so alone , i'm not ready to face this world without her. I want it to be just me and her like before. Why did god have to take her? why can't he take me , so it could be me and her all over again. I wake up sometimes thinking i'm at home , until reality sets in and i realize i'm not. i can't sleep , and even though i have been very good at acting like everything is okay it is becoming very hard to keep myself together.I cry over the smallest things now. It's like i lost just about everything in the blink of an eye. Now i am trying to get used to a whole new life , which honestly i wish would just end. The only people i have supporting me are my 2 best friends. And i constantly feel like a bug with my negativity , and they probably have issues of their own to be giving them some of mine. I don't know what to do anymore..

May 14, 2013
Come on, Girl...
by: Anonymous

Hello Jennifer

Strange... I am missing my Mum so much tonight (she passed in September last year) and then I switched on my computer and I was alerted about the new comments to your story. I am very pleased that you should know you are not forgotten and I hope you are feeling a little better. I am feeling better for knowing that I am not alone. Neither are you.

I must tell you, something which I find very striking is this picture of your Mum. It is a strong picture of a strong woman. Her face is full of humour and encouragement and comment. I can almost hear her say: Come on, Girl, we can do this.

You'll be okay, Jennifer, no matter what, because your mother's love will never, ever leave you. Her spirit is beside you, wherever you go and whatever you do. She taught you to trust her, didn't she? Now is the time to show her that you do.

Veronica

May 14, 2013
I lost my mum
by: Doreen U.K.

Tanya I am so sorry for your loss of your mother. As you rightly said this is the worst experience we will ever have to go through. When someone close dies it is as if we are catapulted into a different world where everything seems strange. As if part of our world has blown up and we are fragmented now and don't know how to go on. For days after we will be in a twilight state and our world won't be right for some time. We just survive for days. Not living. WE don't know when we can go forward and be normal again. It is as if the light has gone out and we are in darkness for a while.
Just take one day at a time and don't look too far ahead otherwise you will be consumed by the time ahead and wonder how you will get through it.

May 14, 2013
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
by: Doreen U.K.

You are grieving and this is a very sensitive time for you. You said people told you that your mother said her good-byes to them as if she knew she was going to die but she didn't say it to you which makes you feel as if she had a stronger bond with them than you? This may not be the case. Perhaps they said it to you in a way as if to make you feel less important. Some people like to push themselves forward and in the limelight. You will know from your relationship with your mother if she ever made you feel less important and as if she had a stronger bond with other people more than you?
We all bond differently with people. It doesn't mean we love those other's less. It just means we love them differently. I had a stronger bond with my eldest daughter that made the other 2 children feel less important. But it was only because this daughter had a nature that was easier to work with. compliant and obedient. It made a mother's job of caring that much easier. It is just this simple. Had your mother known you had issues she would have picked up on these and rectified the problem. This is what mom's do when they know that one child feels different. She would have tried to build confidence in you.
I have found that when we build other's up we are building self esteem into ourselves and we are thus able to continue building up other's as a result of having a healthy self esteem.
You will find life up and down in grief but one day it has got to level itself out otherwise how would we be able to go on in life. Our grief would then hold us back from progressing.

May 13, 2013
Be strong 'Speechless'.
by: Jenny, Kent UK

I wish I could hug you and make it better. I wish I could do it for myself too. But please believe me, you will get through this. And if you go into your grief and really truly live it no matter how searing the pain, you will eventually rise above it and recover.
Be kind to yourself and take each day. There are no rules and even if you feel like you're going crazy and want to die yourself, remember, we've all gone through this stage too.
Try to find strength from this loving community of writers.
Much love to you and to all who are raw and in pain from a recent bereavement. Jenny x

Apr 16, 2013
Please believe
by: Anonymous

Hello Jennifer

You are so crushed by this thing and it makes me angry all over again that nothing can prepare of us for the terrible, terrible tragedy of losing our mothers. While they are with us we do not ever comprehend that they are e-ve-ry-thing to us. Why? I think it's because that very realisation would prevent us from living, from breathing. It's a kind of natural protection that we do not know the pain which their departure will bring us. And, perhaps that is the answer you are seeking today.

If there are people who claim that your Mum had 'hinted' that she knew she was leaving... well, imagination is a powerful thing and it is all too easy for some people to imagine things with hindsight, particularly those who crave attention. Some people will use any situation to inflate their own self-importance. On the other hand, you have to consider the possibility that your Mum had some sense of her departure before it happened. I know that my own mother made some comments prior to her passing which left us all in wonderment afterwards. On the side.. my Mum was in a progressive stage of Dementia before her departure, but some of the things she said make perfect sense now.

To get back to your own situation, there is a possibility that your Mum knew but that she did not tell you because she wished to PROTECT you. Consider the possibility that she loved you so much that she could not bring herself to burden you with the knowledge that her departure was imminent and that she would not always be there for you in her physical form. I am one hundred percent certain that you were the most important person in your Mum's life. Why would you experience such agony over her absence if you did not know deep inside that she valued you more than anything or anybody else in the world? No... I believe with my whole heart that if your Mum had some sense of her departure and did not tell you, it is because her love for you is so deep that she did not feel the need to make you suffer before the time was due.

Whatever else you are thinking, your Mum is not far away. Talk to her, wear her clothes, do whatever you can or wish to do to perpetuate that closeness. Above all, believe, please believe, that you will find her again someday, when you will be together in the same form. Your mother has not abandoned you.

Veronica

Apr 16, 2013
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
by: Speechless

We had the funeral on April 6,2013. I am functioning because I have to , but not living. I am ANGRY. Various people leading up to the funeral spoke that my mom was saying her goodbyes as if she knew she was leaving. SHE DIDN'T SAY IT TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. It made me feel like people were making it seem like she had a stronger relationship with them than me and she knew it was coming. As i think about it, I cry all over again in agony as it's happening for the first time. I am trying to put up a front but it's not working. Thanks for all the love and support here.

Apr 15, 2013
So, so sorry...
by: Tanya

I lost my Mother on March 31, 2013...."Good Friday" It was the worst day of my life!! She died suddenly, no symptoms...nothing!! A massive heart attack; died in her sleep. I understand how you're feeling. Like you're lost, in a dream, not in this world. It IS SO HARD!! I don't know you, but am here if you need a shoulder. teachn4kids@aol.com is my e-mail address. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced!! I do have one sister, and my dad but my mom and I were SOOOOO close. We JUST got back from Disneyworld over Spring Break. (Middle of March.) Ugh...there just are no words!! :(

Apr 12, 2013
Try to remember...
by: Anonymous

Dearest Jennifer

I am so very sorry about your Mum but I am pleased that you have found this comforting place to express your sorrow. I lost my precious Mum in September last year and I understand the confusion you are going through. I promise, it will get better, just hang in there.

As much as we rebel against it, try to remember that losing a mother is a natural process. In the hardest days of my grief, there was one thing I was grateful for, and still am, and that is the fact that in all her life's suffering, my Mum never had to endure the loss of one of her off-spring, nor did she have to suffer the troubles of children which so many parents experience these days. We are not the most wholesome family on earth but I am thankful for my Mum's sake that we were spared the tragedies which happen to so many families in the world today: drugs, trouble with the law, horror injuries from accidents, etc. In the worst days of our grief, we tend to remember the hardships our mothers had to suffer on our behalf, and I am eternally grateful that my Mum was spared the hardship of seeing one of her children removed from life or hurt beyond repair. That is the silver lining in my dark cloud.

It is completely natural that you would want to believe there is something you could have done to prevent your mother from dying. I believe the greatest lesson we take from the loss of our mothers is the fact that we are not in control. Whomever or Whatever you consider to be the God of our world, it is that being who is in control.

If (and when) you are able to, try to focus on the good things your Mum did for you, and on the good things you did for her. Try to remember that you are a branch of the same tree and that the very goodness of her runs through your veins. Above all, try to remember her sense of humour... One day, I promise, you will find yourself smiling. When that happens, remember that your Mum is smiling with you.

I wish you strength and courage.

Veronica in Cape Town, South Africa

Apr 11, 2013
very sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have recently lost my mom and I understand the unbearable pain. I am hoping you find consolation in the reassurance that your mother taught you how to be a woman. She will be watching over you constantly and keeping her baby safe.

Apr 03, 2013
Speechless
by: Doreen U.K.

Jennifer I lost my first post to you, so will re-do this.
I am sorry for your loss of your mom. Being an only child brings a lonliness that will be stronger now your mother has died. If your mother had siblings your may be able to contact them to help support you. If you have a father and know his history you may be able to also contact someone who will be happy to support you.
Because you sound desperate for some release from the overwhelming feelings of grief, you may benefit greatly from seeing a grief counsellor. They are trained in this area and just take the edge off the pain of grief that is so overwhelming. It is a scary feeling to know that suddenly you have no one to rely on and be there for us. Whilst our loved one is alive we couldn't even imagine what it will be like on our own. It can only be experienced. It is such a hollow and desperate feeling.
I did try to imagine what life would be like for me if I lost my husband. I lost him 11 months ago and it is like nothing I imagined. IT IS WORSE. The emptiness and lonliness is such a ghastly feeling. It swallows me up and leaves me finding it hard to move forward quickly. Everytime I go to do something there will always be a memory or reminder of my husband. Daily interaction stops and we have to re-invent our life to resemble what we lost. This is not easy. As long as we are doing something that will make good memories we can recover better. If we do nothing this will intensify our grief to overwhelm us.
When I went into counselling years ago I lost my sensitivity to a lot of problems and I could even get over people judging me as part of humanity and I could overlook this. I was able to carry myself in a way that would command respect. But before counselling everything would bother me and stop me living.
These initial days will be hard on you. But it won't last. With each new day you will get stronger. For days I did nothing. I couldn't. I felt weak and tired all the time which is what grief does to you. This rest was very healing. Do only what you need to do and leave the rest. One day you will be able to handle a little each day. May God comfort you in your grief and help you get past this pain and loss of your mom and help you move forward into a happier life in time.

Apr 02, 2013
Reply
by: Speechless

Thank you all for the encouraging comments. I have a very small family. Being honest was not always friendly to our family. She got sick im December 2012 and i was there for her. I flew out very often to make sure she was feeling support and loved. I was planning to fly out that weekend to see her when i received a call from the hospital that my mom is going through septic shock. Organ failure. I was told to come say by to my mom. When i got there it was heart wrenching watching my mom suffer. I was in a dream state. The remaining family were there and they acted as if your was not a big deal. I talked to her telling her how much i loved her and god better be good to her. I watched in agony as she slipped away. My family has yet to show support. My husband has been wonderful . I just feel that maybe in death respect can be giving. Please god let her know how much i love her.

Apr 02, 2013
Hang in there
by: Gary

Nothing can replace your mom. Cry, yell talk to anybody about the pain. You were made from your mom so hug yourself and tell her how much you love her and miss her. It helps! I lost both parents but your mom is the one you yell for when you scrape your knee or need kindness and a gentle touch. It will get better it takes time. It's almost like your suffering is showing the love and respect you had for the greatest person on earth. Be gentle to yourself you deserve it right now. God Bless!!

Apr 02, 2013
Finding the Grace that We All Need
by: A Loving Daughter

Dear Speechless: first, I am sorry for your loss and can feel the sharp pain in your words. Please know that, though you are experiencing agonizing loss, you are not lost. You have within you all of the lessons your mother ever taught you. I lost my mom in January. Some days are better than others and I accept that I will miss her every day of my life. I know what you are experiencing is agonizing. But please keep reaching out here and to others in your life. It may seem you are all alone and no one can understand. But I believe there is compassion and love in the world. It is the grace that will help all of us through the loss we are facing,

Apr 02, 2013
You can talk!
by: Tom

You can talk to me! Am going through a quite similar level of pain an my mom was 50! I know what it feels like. A lot of what it feels like is just like a nightmare! And in fact it even feels like a dream writing this to you! There are many levels in this and u are not alone on this unpredictable road, although one thing is certain! That there is light at the end of the tunnel

Apr 02, 2013
Speechless
by: Doreen U.K.

Jennifer I am sorry for your loss of your mom 3 days ago. You are in the worst days of grief and it will feel like this for a while. I felt the same way you describe. It is such a weird feeling. It is as if this is all a dream and when you wake up you find it is reality. Your loved one did die.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 11 months ago to cancer and I still wake up and feel this is all a dream. I am finding my memories changing so fast I can't keep up and I am crying more each day. It may be that my grief is just coming through now. Everyone grieves differently. We don't know what to expect and how long this grief will last. We just go on each day and hope it gets less. Jennifer Grief has stages and we have to face each stage. Stage one is "Crying and searching for our loved one." I feel as if I am still in this stage. I was just like you. Angry with God for taking my husband when I believed he would be Healed of his cancer. I didn't want to be angry with God but I was. I didn't plan it. It just turned out that way. I had no control over this. I am less angry now. But I feel cheated out of spending retirement with my husband. He earned this, from his working life of 47yrs.
Jennifer You say you have no one to talk to? Don't you have any more family? I believe in God and He is the first person I talk to. God is our Healer. God is the one who will get us through one day at a time. Otherwise how do we go on in such pain. It is like a pain we have never known. Everyone on this grief site knows the pain of grief and will support you. You are not alone. I have had so many dreams of my husband and he didn't really die in my dreams. When I wake up it is like a shock.
I lost my mom 10yrs. ago and I have managed to move forward into healing from losing her. But my husband's death is more painful and I won't get over it any time soon. It will take years for this pain to go.
Jennifer if you find yourself struggling go and see a grief counsellor. Just get the right one for you and you will get over the pain of loss easier. May God comfort you in your grief and sorrow and loss of your mom.

Apr 02, 2013
Jennifer
by: Kyla

Dear Jennifer, Your post made me cry for you and with you. I'm so very sorry that your Mother has died. I understand the feeling of being lost, and I hope you will reach out to others so you do not feel so alone. Are you able to call a 24 hour support group like The Samaritins or Lifelink (We have them in NZ)so that you can get some support? It is important to have someone to talk to. I am less than a month into grieving for my partner. It still feels surreal, and I still feel lost. I keep wondering where he is, even though I know he is dead. Grief protects our minds so that we only have to cope with what we are able to. My love and deepest sympathy to you as you begin this very sad journey.

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