Starting to count...
Well, I have posted before about losing my dear son in March of this year(2013). No question that has been the worst experience of my life. I've weirdly noticed, however, that even in my terrible pain I notice a level of experience; I'm aware that I have some conception of what grief is like. Not that this loss is the same as others--none are the same--and this is much worse--it's my baby, after all. But I think I would feel even worse, if that's possible--more lost--if I hadn't experienced death before.
My mother died suddently when I was 26. I was devastated. I loved her so much, and looking back, I guess I was still living in that world where you just don't expect anyone you love to die, even though you know we all have to die some time.I think I wandered through life in a daze for the next year.
Then in my 40's my children's father died in a vehicle accident--my son was 12, my daughter 10 at the time. I say "my children's father", but he was so much more than that. We had recently divorced, but it's a long story--suffice to say he was the love of my life and we were still good friends. This was a horrible shock. It was difficult to sort out my own grief from my terrible pain for my children. I cried for years--for me and for my children.
Over the next several years my father and father-in-law, who were both in their 80's, passed away. Not surprising, but still very sad. And hard for my children. During that same period, the father of my children's cousin and good friend succumbed to cancer in his 40's. Another big funeral.
And then, most devastatingly, my darling son went over to the other side this March.Nearly six months ago. Truly, he never recovered from his beloved father's death. So..as I walk this dreary road of grief, there is a certain familiarity. I honestly don't think I feel exactly the same shock as I would if this was my first experience with death. Why have I had to walk this road so many times? Well, I try not to ask myself that question. I guess I could ask, why not me? I don't want this, but I have it. I don't want to be bitter, because I know that will kill my soul. As I read here and know all over the world, other people also have had to walk this road multiple times--some much more than me. Loss is not evenly dispersed.
I am sad sad sad sad sad. And I will find some way to go on. I will find some value in life. I'm grateful I have my daughter who still needs me and gives me strength.
Well, I wasn't even planning on saying anything, and now I've gone on at length. Thanks for letting me vent. I wish healing for all the people who've written about their multiple losses and who have suffered so much. I wish healing for myself.