Starting to count...

by s.jane.f
(Northern California)

Well, I have posted before about losing my dear son in March of this year(2013). No question that has been the worst experience of my life. I've weirdly noticed, however, that even in my terrible pain I notice a level of experience; I'm aware that I have some conception of what grief is like. Not that this loss is the same as others--none are the same--and this is much worse--it's my baby, after all. But I think I would feel even worse, if that's possible--more lost--if I hadn't experienced death before.

My mother died suddently when I was 26. I was devastated. I loved her so much, and looking back, I guess I was still living in that world where you just don't expect anyone you love to die, even though you know we all have to die some time.I think I wandered through life in a daze for the next year.

Then in my 40's my children's father died in a vehicle accident--my son was 12, my daughter 10 at the time. I say "my children's father", but he was so much more than that. We had recently divorced, but it's a long story--suffice to say he was the love of my life and we were still good friends. This was a horrible shock. It was difficult to sort out my own grief from my terrible pain for my children. I cried for years--for me and for my children.

Over the next several years my father and father-in-law, who were both in their 80's, passed away. Not surprising, but still very sad. And hard for my children. During that same period, the father of my children's cousin and good friend succumbed to cancer in his 40's. Another big funeral.

And then, most devastatingly, my darling son went over to the other side this March.Nearly six months ago. Truly, he never recovered from his beloved father's death. I walk this dreary road of grief, there is a certain familiarity. I honestly don't think I feel exactly the same shock as I would if this was my first experience with death. Why have I had to walk this road so many times? Well, I try not to ask myself that question. I guess I could ask, why not me? I don't want this, but I have it. I don't want to be bitter, because I know that will kill my soul. As I read here and know all over the world, other people also have had to walk this road multiple times--some much more than me. Loss is not evenly dispersed.

I am sad sad sad sad sad. And I will find some way to go on. I will find some value in life. I'm grateful I have my daughter who still needs me and gives me strength.

Well, I wasn't even planning on saying anything, and now I've gone on at length. Thanks for letting me vent. I wish healing for all the people who've written about their multiple losses and who have suffered so much. I wish healing for myself.

Comments for Starting to count...

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 28, 2013
thank you
by: s.jane.f

Thank you both, Nancy and Doreen. How true that our heart keeps beating. It keeps beating until it stops; we keep taking that next in breath until there is not another. And I think it's so true that we don't honor those we've lost by not living those moments left to us. Sometimes that means feeling the terrible pain and accepting it. That's the part I fear; when I feel it coming on, like a dark storm cloud gathering strength, I feel like running--but there's no outrunning grief. It catches me and pummels me and leaves me limp. Then there is a bit of a break till the next storm. Maybe eventually I'll learn to let down my guard during the lulls between storms. For now, it's a relief not to be in the middle of the storm, but I can never forget that I've lost my boy, my first-born child, before he even reached age 20. All that helps, a little, is the hope that I will see him again, in another dimension, or heaven, or however you like to think of it.

Sep 28, 2013
Grief is a desert
by: Nancy in New Mexico

"A heart can be broken, but it goes on beating, just the same."

I have learned through sad experience that we do not honor those we love who have died by dying ourselves. Grief spawns a peculiar loyalty and sometimes we struggle with guilt when we have a day, an hour, or a few minutes when we are beginning to live again rather than thinking only of someone we love who has died. Grief is a desert. There are no shortcuts. We must walk through that desert, and each of us walks that path alone...but we are never, ever alone. God walks with us. Only in Him will we find sanctuary.

God bless you. Your road is hard, but you will walk it, and you will come out at the end.

Sep 27, 2013
Starting to count....
by: Doreen UK

s.Jane.f I am sorry for all the loss in your life that is still affecting your life so much. Vent all you need for however long you need to do this. None of us think of death till it comes to us suddenly. We are not meant to think of death till we are old enough to start thinking of money for our funeral. But sadly it doesn't work like this now.
Since I lost my beloved husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago to cancer I have become vulnerable to death and hope I don't lose anyone too soon till I feel stronger from my loss of husband. This was my worst loss.
I had a nightmare of a morning as my daughter had left for work and never got there. Her cell phone rang three times and we got cut off. Having phoned head office I was given the wrong number and got the wrong Maria. Long story short. No one turned up to open the store and the staff were sitting in McDonalds whilst I was almost tearing my hair out, but thankful she was SAFE. Why do we think the worst? I thought. Because life is like this now and we don't know who we are going to lose from our lives. I will worry from the cradle to the grave. You lost an Adult Child. This is enough to make any mom lose her mind and be in pain forever. Because you have had multiple losses you could do with some support from a counsellor to help you talk about and grieve each loss. Often our trapped feelings are lying so deep we feel the pain but other losses overlap and we can't heal. It is then a good counsellor can reach deep to bring things to the surface and then they evaporate and we start to feel better. I HAVE DONE THIS. I feel such a freedom in my emotions and spirit that has carried me through other losses since. I cope better. I hope you get the support you need so you can feel as good as I do despite my losses. We will never be the same again. But we will be able to go through life each day with less pain.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Multiple Losses.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!