"State of Desolation"
It was five months on Monday, May 9, since I lost my heart, my life. Just like all of you my life turned into the motions of existing - working, paying bills, trying to get through day after day. I sometimes feel like a walking zombie but I know zombies don't hurt this much. I have heard and read that we are the ones left behind because we are the stronger ones. I am afraid I have to disagree. I am NOT strong and I think he would have handled the grief so much better but I would never wish this pain on him. He was the closest man to perfection that I have ever seen - able to do anything and everything. He lived his life to the fullest and put more life into his 43 years than most people do who are twice that age. He was cheated out of so much that he wanted to do as he got older. I feel cheated because it took us so long to find each other and were only married 3-1/2 years. We had so many plans for the future. I feel cheated but even more so he was cheated because he was taken so young. I am still very much in the anger stage and don't feel like I will ever get out of that stage. Some may say that it's bad to feel this way, but my main wish each day is for death to come quickly for me at 46 just so I can be with him again. He was the one who saved me from depression and desolation before and for the time we were together he made me the happiest woman in the world. Now that happiness is gone - hope is gone. I saw part of a movie the other night where an older man was telling someone about losing the woman he loved. He said sometimes the pain is so bad you almost wish they had never existed just so you wouldn't be feeling that pain. I will always treasure the love and time I shared with my husband. I just want to be with him again and be free of this pain.