"State of Desolation"

by Donna
(Arkansas)

It was five months on Monday, May 9, since I lost my heart, my life. Just like all of you my life turned into the motions of existing - working, paying bills, trying to get through day after day. I sometimes feel like a walking zombie but I know zombies don't hurt this much. I have heard and read that we are the ones left behind because we are the stronger ones. I am afraid I have to disagree. I am NOT strong and I think he would have handled the grief so much better but I would never wish this pain on him. He was the closest man to perfection that I have ever seen - able to do anything and everything. He lived his life to the fullest and put more life into his 43 years than most people do who are twice that age. He was cheated out of so much that he wanted to do as he got older. I feel cheated because it took us so long to find each other and were only married 3-1/2 years. We had so many plans for the future. I feel cheated but even more so he was cheated because he was taken so young. I am still very much in the anger stage and don't feel like I will ever get out of that stage. Some may say that it's bad to feel this way, but my main wish each day is for death to come quickly for me at 46 just so I can be with him again. He was the one who saved me from depression and desolation before and for the time we were together he made me the happiest woman in the world. Now that happiness is gone - hope is gone. I saw part of a movie the other night where an older man was telling someone about losing the woman he loved. He said sometimes the pain is so bad you almost wish they had never existed just so you wouldn't be feeling that pain. I will always treasure the love and time I shared with my husband. I just want to be with him again and be free of this pain.

Comments for "State of Desolation"

Click here to add your own comments

May 22, 2012
Lift your heart to him
by: Anonymous

You may not realize this right now, but being depressed "is being selfish to the man you love", for he wouldn't be happy seeing you in such a state.
He loves you a great deal too and would want you to live your life like he did and for him, with the memory of him giving you daily strength, "not depression".
Live your life "like living it for him" in happiness, for by doing so, you'll be doing what "he" would want you too.
"Living for him" would put a big smile on his face and happiness in his heart.
Your man is still very much alive, even though you cannot see him for now.
So give him your unconditional love and let him rest in the peace of the knowledge that his passing didn't destroy "the one he still loves so very much".

God Bless you both

May 17, 2011
I Thought I Was Strong
by: TrishJ

I used to think I was so strong. My friends all used to tell me they didn't know where I found the strength. I have always worked full time, was very involved with my children's activities when they were growing up, kept a clean (not immaculate) house, cooked good meals, kids were always spotless. Our house was the one that all the friends hung out in because we were "so cool." I don't know if I've just finally run out of steam or if I just don't want to do it anymore without my husband.
It's hard. So hard. Some days I wake up feeling very clear about things. I say, "Joe was so sick and he wasn't happy living life as he did for the past three years. He's happy now. I've come to terms with his death." Then I have a day where I totally go to pieces from sun up to sun down I just don't want to go on without him. I know I have to, as we all must. Life without Joe doesn't appeal at all to me.
I want to be free of the pain as well. We have to go on, don't we Donna? Yes....I think we do. I know my children need me and my young grandsons would be lost without me.
My husband died on December 3, 2010, so we are pretty much at the same point of our grief. I do get huge inspiration from those who are further along in the grief journey. They say it gets better.....I hope so.
When we have loved like we did it's so hard to let go. I don't want to let go. Some days I get huge comfort by thinking about all of our good times. Other days I can't bear to think about anything to do with him.
I'll pray for you Donna. I'll pray for both of us. It's very hard and the deeper we loved the longer it will take to get over ~ if ever.
Hugs and peace to you.

May 14, 2011
Do Not despair
by: Judith in California

Donna, what you're feeling is normal but don't give up because you will feel different in a few more months. The grieving cycle is vicious. It takes us to places we don't want to go and then just when we think we're doing a little better it slaps us back down but we have to push ourselves and accept that this is what grieving is. It's the worst emotional roller coaster ride ever.

My husband passed 8 months this very day and my heart is still aching deeply and I've set aside time this a.m. to hold his picture and light a candle and talk to him. I do this every 14th so far.

Do not Despair. God is there for you. You are strong Donna. You have made it 5 months already and will continue to regain yourself each day. Time is on your side.

Take care of you as he would want you to.

May 14, 2011
ashley
by: robin

Donna I am so sorry,i dont know about losing a spouse, me and my husband r very close too,but i lost my oldest daughter ashley 16 months ago and i felt same way.I am not scared of dying because sooner I will see my Ashley. I feel guilty I have another daughter and grandchildren. I will say I kept a journal and you r going through the hardest months. I still have hard days and think of her constantly, but God family and friends do help. The more i here stories i realize we all go through the same emotions. People would tell me it just takes time and i hated to hear that, but now i know it is true. Thinking of you GOD bless,hang in there.

May 13, 2011
JESUS CARES FOR YOU
by: Anonymous

THERES HOPE IN JESUS! I LOST MY HUSBAND OF 7 BLESSED YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND HE WAS ONLY AGE 35 SO ITS BEEN 16MONTHS HES BEEN GONE. I MISS HIM SOO MUCH BUT I KNOW HES WITH ME IN SPIRIT I STILL HAVE MY BAD DAYS MORE WHEN THINGS GO WRONG IN MY LIFE BUT I CRY ALOT WHEN IT GETS CLOSER TO THE 7TH OF EVERY MONTH AND THEN I REALIZE WHY. IF IT WERENT FOR GOD BEING IN MY LIFE I DONT HOW I WOULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT ALL. I KNOW HES IN HEAVEN WATCHING OUT FOR ME. JUST REMEMBER GOD LOVES YOU KNOW MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. HE CARES FOR YOU! SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. GOD BLESS.AH

May 13, 2011
Please come here and talk to us...
by:

Donna,

I do not want to make your words or you feel small, That is the last thing that I want to do.
Just reading your pain and your situation reminds me so of myself at 5 months. I did not want to be with him in death but wanted him back in life.

My Love was 45 when he died and I feel that he was cheated out of so much too. As others have said before me who will walk my daughter down the isle when she marries? Who will My 13 year old as all those man to man questions to? Will I become so self sufficient that no one will ever come near to help me? Oh so many questions and so little answers. So we just put one day in front of the other and do the best that we can.

Today I had a test done in the hospital a minor thing but I sure missed having my honey here helping me through the day even just asking do you need anything? Taking me to the hospital, taking care of the kids while I passed out from the anesthesia effects. Yes I can do these things alone but it does not mean that I don't miss someone caring for me.

There was even that small little fear as I went under suppose that I don't wake up or wake up different like he did. I know makes no sense but our lives have been drastically changed and I wonder if we will ever think or feel type of normal again.

I understand it will never be the old normal but sure hope that we adapt into some type of self sufficient contentedness. Please excuse all spelling and grammar errors as I have just woke up from a 4 hour "nap" from the hosp. You take care and please try to find things that make you you. We did not die with them but it sure feels like it at first. Please learn to take each day as a gift. It is what it is. We were some how meant to go on to thrive and pull as much out of this life as possible until it is our time.
HH

May 13, 2011
ALSO DESOLATE
by: Anonymous

I could have written the same words you expressed about your husband. I lost my husband six months ago. He was the closest to perfection that a human being comes. He could do anything and everything. He was everything to me- husband, father, son, brother, friend, soulmate, for 45 years. I am so sorry that you lost your dear one only after 31/2 years. I think you will realize that if you had him longer it would hurt just as much. I cry every day and I am heartbroken and feel lost. I cherish everything that belonged to him. I am reading the thirteen chapters of memoirs he left for me. I can hardly get thru them I miss him so much. I wonder why I am here. I have busied myself by arranging the Flag, his awards and memorabilia in his Den with his photos and all the books he loved around him. Please know that you are not alone in your feelings and there are others who struggle thru each day and just long for one more day with him - to hold his hand once more. Talk with him as I'm sure you did and ask him to pray for you.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!