Staying warm without the one that I Love...Still

by Hope
(Tappahannock)


I know that I should be used to being alone by now. I was always independant but Paul dying really made me realize how much I depended on him as the man of the house. I detest being the man of the house still. As it grows colder I fill the tank with #2 fuel. Cover the vents on the bottom of the house that keep the floors cool at night making it even More apparent that I have no one to cuddle and snuggle up with to keep warm. Long P.J's and sweatshirts are a poor substitute of human warmth. I so miss the human warmth and touch I once had so very long long ago yesterday.

Hurricane Sandy made me miss him as I readied the house for what was called the perfect storm. I was ready for anything except the loneliness that enveloped me completely reminding me that we need human relations to be whole.

Will I ever get used to being alone, so very alone? I have not tried to date. How can I when I still love my (dead) husband?

I can see the beauty all around me yet there is that void that nothing can fill. As I prepare the house for winter I see all the work that needs to be done around the house. Things I have ignored not really giving a shit as I should.

Where has my pride gone? Why don't I care? Maybe it is just the day Halloween, once our favorite holiday. We always a party the Saturday before with family friends good food dancing the joy of being together. This year my son had a few friends over, the first party in 3 years. It hurt my soul as I tried to fake joy for my sons sake.

I am sooooo much better grasping life with both hands but some days, lord some days its just so damn hard and the loneliness feels as if it is eating up my soul. But tomorrow the sun will shine and so will I as if today never happened. But for now I will get past it as I have these long 3 years step by step one breath at a time (some days)
HH

Comments for Staying warm without the one that I Love...Still

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Nov 17, 2012
Hurting
by: Carol

I can only imagine how you feel. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago after 6 months with cancer. I've cried a river and still can't stop crying. The feeling is so painful and the future looks so bleak. There doesn't seem to be a reason for doing anything anymore. Things need fixing and the lawn needs to be raked, but who cares! People keep telling me it will get better, but that doesn't make it any easier now. How do you get from square one? The loneliness is horrible and not seeing or being able to touch my husband brings so much sadness to my heart. I am relying on God to help me through my grief. So sorry people have to go through such a time as we have. God Bless You and may God heal your pain and loneliness.

Nov 03, 2012
Support
by: M Mack

Good thing we have each other for support. I'm better than I was but still stop by when I need to. It makes you realize how lucky you are that you are NOT the poor soul you were when first stumbling upon this site. My heart is heavy when someone new writes of their pain - they want to move forward and at least we are ones that can say - it will get better!

Nov 03, 2012
A cold sleepless night
by: HH

M.Mack,

Thank you for commenting. Your response certainly hit home. It helps so much to know that I am not alone in grief after all this time. For the most part life IS good. But there are those days now and then that remind me how Much I Miss My Love.

I do not know that the term "Move On" is quite right. We change our lives, adjust to what is instead of what was. I understand this is an adjustment that we need to do to live a full life as we were meant to. We are not supposed to grieve our loss for the rest of our life. Life is for the living and we are meant for other greater experiences for the remainder of our lives.

That does not mean that we do not can not Miss our Loves now and then. It's like a pang our hearts owwie. More of a sigh than the sobs we had.

I do wonder how "our gang" of widows are doing in their lives. How they are adjusting how they are feeling after 3 years.

I have changed as we all will. It is for the better and I now have an appreciation of life I never had before. I foolishly took it for granted.

My water bed heater conked out 2 months ago. I know I have to order a new one and drain the bed etc. Yet I add more blankets to keep the cold from me. Last night I was so cold the layer between the cold water mattress and my skin was not enough. It reminded me (again) that there was no one to snuggle up to. And that the only one to fix this is me.

I guess it is the memories that snag my new existence, the life I have made and am yet to experience.

Ah here comes the sun, shining in the window reminding me what life really is. Also the broken doorbell rang. Paul letting me know that he is still around, keeping an eye on me urging this new life. Wanting the contentment for me as much as I do.
HH

Nov 02, 2012
Keeping yourself warm
by: M Mack

Hope,

Glad you made it through that storm safely. I can relate to the loneliness you are feeling. The waiting and preparing for the brunt of a storm is similar to the experience you lived through before Paul passed. Anxiety, longing and hope for the hardship to pass over. Then the storm hits, you are devastated, trying to pick up the pieces. Three years of surviving miraculously alone without the fire and warmth you had in your relationship and deserved. We loved hard and never knew the destruction our hearts are capable of living thru. Just yesterday I cried so hard. Why did he have to leave and take away my happiness with him? I don't know when the aftermath of this storm will heal my soul. It's different for everyone but I know I'm not ready to fall in love again either. Others just don't measure up to my soulmate. So I'm working from the inside out. Im working on Taking care if me, my happiness, my likes and dislikes, my emotional health. After all we've been through, and as you say you are doing, it's one day at a time. I hope it gets better for both if us sooner than later. God bless us all.

Nov 02, 2012
strenth in numbers
by: Anonymous

Today is a better day, I wanted you to know as you do that there are good days within the bad. As time stretches before us long and impossible at first there we be good days laced with a bad day here and there. It is an adjustment not grief dissapearing diminishing as the days go by.

I asked a friend of mine if he still missed the great Love of his life and he said yes. For him it was 18 years ago. But life goes on and we make a better day for ourselves when grief has used us up and spit us out, tired, dissheveled,scared and lonely. We find a new life for ourselves and re-define who we are. Things will get better, I promise and those who know me know, I always keep my promises.

Peace in your hearts to all that walk this grief walk. Hand in hand here people that know of what we speak. This is a safe place to be to speak our hearts without judgement. Good days and bad this site has saved my sanity though the years. I do come back on occasion when I need strength to carry on. And for this I Thank You...
HH

Nov 01, 2012
Staying warm without my love
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Hope,
First of all, I am so sorry you had to go through Hurricane Sandy. I read the paper and watched the news, realizing we really have no control over our lives. Such devastation; my heart goes out to everyone.
It was 16 months for me that the love of my life died. I still do not feel complete. I am going on, as they say, but there is this void in my life that will never return. Red was my high school sweetheart and we were suppose to grow old together. We always said we grew up together.
Just this morning I was thinking about all the things he took care of. I am fortunate to have 5 adult children that I can rely on for help when I need it. The boys learned well from their father. My husband was an auto mechanic, who passed on some of his knowledge to our youngest son. That helps alot. Our oldest son has taken on the responsibility of keeping our yard neat, just like his dad use too. I have signs of him everywhere in our children. The girls always make comments about how he did this or how he said that; another rememborance. It is true his spirit lives on.
I miss the physical him; just like you the warmth of his body next to mine. His fleece jacket and his lounging pants have become a part of my wardrobe. I feel close to him in them, only they looked better on him.
I don't think I will ever have another man in my life. I feel like I would be cheating on him. I also say, I had Red, God took him away. If I can't have Red, I don't want any other man either. People tell me years down the road I may feel different, I don't think I will. I don't like going on without him, but I am now living for just me. My faith is carrying me.
Three years for you, you give me courage. Just this morning, I was thinking how I am dreading the holidays just like last year. Our lives are forever changed. We may look the same outside, but we are different inside.

Nov 01, 2012
Staying warm without the one that I Love.... Still
by: Doreen U.K.

HOPE You are still grieving, that is why you don't give a damn about those important things that need your attention. YOU NEED ATTENTION. You have lost the most important man in your life. You can't get over this soon, any time soon. You have perhaps lost your motivation and just not you not giving a s.....t Life is very cruel to take our husbands and leave us broken forever. It is early days. You can't think of dating again. Let things happen when they will. It has been 6 months for me losing my husband of 44yrs. I see myself struggling FOREVER. I have become a RECLUSE. It will take to next spring before I can emerge from my PRISON OF GRIEF. I cry a lot on this grief site so triggers are setting me off into feeling not just for myself but for others who are just like me, and we are so far away to come together in the physical sense and embrace one another. This loss and grief is eating my soul like a cancer. I can't fight it. I wouldn't know how. This is not something we did to ourselves. THIS HAPPENED TO US and shattered our lives. No amount of Postive thinking can change anything. We are where we are and we are powerless to pull ourselves up out of this abyss. Hurricane Sandy has devastated many lives. I wish I could be in America to help those people. This is what gives me a reason for living. I hope I can overcome my grief so I can do some good for others before I die. Tomorrow is another day. It may bring sunshine. HOPE may your days ahead get easier and may someone come your way to take away your lonliness and give you a reason to go on. I hope your life gets better. I remember your first post. Come back and keep us updated. Good to hear from you again.

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