Staying warm without the one that I Love...Still
I know that I should be used to being alone by now. I was always independant but Paul dying really made me realize how much I depended on him as the man of the house. I detest being the man of the house still. As it grows colder I fill the tank with #2 fuel. Cover the vents on the bottom of the house that keep the floors cool at night making it even More apparent that I have no one to cuddle and snuggle up with to keep warm. Long P.J's and sweatshirts are a poor substitute of human warmth. I so miss the human warmth and touch I once had so very long long ago yesterday.
Hurricane Sandy made me miss him as I readied the house for what was called the perfect storm. I was ready for anything except the loneliness that enveloped me completely reminding me that we need human relations to be whole.
Will I ever get used to being alone, so very alone? I have not tried to date. How can I when I still love my (dead) husband?
I can see the beauty all around me yet there is that void that nothing can fill. As I prepare the house for winter I see all the work that needs to be done around the house. Things I have ignored not really giving a shit as I should.
Where has my pride gone? Why don't I care? Maybe it is just the day Halloween, once our favorite holiday. We always a party the Saturday before with family friends good food dancing the joy of being together. This year my son had a few friends over, the first party in 3 years. It hurt my soul as I tried to fake joy for my sons sake.
I am sooooo much better grasping life with both hands but some days, lord some days its just so damn hard and the loneliness feels as if it is eating up my soul. But tomorrow the sun will shine and so will I as if today never happened. But for now I will get past it as I have these long 3 years step by step one breath at a time (some days)