Stephanie-I miss you

by Catherine

Stephen-a great son

My lovely daughter Stephanie took her own life a year ago on November 15th 2011 and it has been a very dark time for me. I can’t believe a year has passed. I was so involved in her life and now she is gone. The phone does not ring any more with her voice at the other end. I loved her so much and sometimes I think I did not tell her that enough but I did try to take care of her as much as I could. Her Dad my ex-husband passed away two weeks later from cancer. I think he gave up his really brave fight after Stephanie went and she in turn had become really depressed after finding out he was sick and dreaded seeing him die.
It was just a terrible time and everyone was so shocked at attending two funerals within two weeks. It seemed like a nightmare and I keep reliving it. My son Stephen passed away on October 17th 1997 so the Fall will always be a terrible time for me and my youngest daughter. She is all I have now. Things can never be the same again but I am trying my best to go on without them all. I hope other mothers on this site will say a prayer for me. It is true that it is the worst thing to lose a child but to have lost two makes me feel I did something wrong.
I have been seeing a counselor and she is very understanding and I would urge anyone who has suffered a loss to speak to a professional because it has helped me.
God bless you all and I hope we all find comfort and a measure of peace from this site. It helps to pour out our feelings.
Stephanie is on the right in the picture with her sister

Comments for Stephanie-I miss you

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Dec 01, 2012
Words of hope...
by: Vickie

Catherine, there aren't words to even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for you. I lost a daughter three yr's ago and I am managing but it is a daily struggle. You didn't do Anything wrong and I can only imagine that I would feel the way you are if this had happened to me. No one deserves the Hell that comes from losing a child and my heart truly breaks for you to have lost two children. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing with couseling.
When you lose a child and you start to meet other people who have lost children you realize you aren't alone and I know it can feel so lonely at times. Suicide is hard because it wasn't an accident or a terminal illness and I don't know- but I think this is a large part of why you feel like you do. I strongly believe that when someone takes their life they aren't well. It isn't a normal rational decision. Your daughter was suffering and she is not to blame or you. Life can just be so overwhelming and some of us are built different. I believe that your beautiful daughter, Stepahnie ,is at peace with her brother and dad. I will keep you close in my prayer's. The fact that you are Still here and reaching out and caring for your youngest child shows your strength. I don't know 'why' some people have such tragic things happen and other's seem to escape...Just know there are many people here that know the pain and hurt that comes with losing a child. It is the worst.

Keep coming back and seeing your counselor. I think your an Amazing woman. I know that it isn't easy. All of us have those moments that hit us..driving down the road, in the shower, or in a store, etc..but YOU are NOT to blame.

God Bless You and your daughter, Vickie

Nov 10, 2012
So sorry
by: Anonymous

I just lost my young mother unexpectantly. I read your blog and hurt. I can not fathom a persons heart surviving such pain of loss. I am thankful you are slowly healing. Thank God. I am so sorry.

Nov 09, 2012
Stephanie - I miss you
by: Doreen U.K.

Catherine HI!! I do remember your first post and I answered this. I am so glad you have come back with an UPDATE. I am SO VERY HAPPY that you took my advice to see a Grief Counsellor, as I did say it is most important when losing a child/Adult Child as this is a very traumatic Loss.
I am most pleased that you have mentioned that you are happy that you took counselling and you have endorsed this for anyone who is grieving to take up counselling. It is working for you which is good. It always works if you get the right counsellor for you. If anyone has a bad experience choosing a counsellor, then shop around till you find the right one.
Catherine I am sure you have experienced some of the benefits already. You will emerge from your counselling a WHOLE PERSON. You will have moved forward and you will also be in a better frame of mind and feel more at Peace. Counselling is a very painfull experience for most people, but the rewards are rich. It is the beginning of the HEALING PROCESS. What you have been through losing 2 Adult Children and your EX husband is one of the cruelist experiences in your life. You would have been vulnerable with having your one surviving daughter, wondering if she would be taken from you also. This is normal. I went through this. It springs from being so very HURT over your loss. You will always have the scars but the pain will not be severe. HEALING will take place in you, and you will be able to go on in life and live with the knowledge that you will see your children again. I am waiting to be reunited with my husband I lost to cancer 6 months ago. Grief is still very RAW for me presently. But I have a FAITH that keeps me looking UP to God for strength and HOPE. I look forward to hearing from you again with another update. Best wishes

Nov 08, 2012
by: Lynne

Of course you did nothing wrong. You loved your children and they knew it. I'm terribly sorry that Stephanie took her life. I lost my daughter last February and it still seems impossible that I will never see her her again. I will never recover from her loss.

I'm glad you're seeing a Counselor. It is absolutely the right thing to do. I hope your youngest daughter is also seeing someone. The pain and confusion of siblings is often overlooked.
I am sending prayers and love to you. I understand.

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