by steve venn
(woolwich london uk)

the love of my life was diagnosed with a fibroid in her womb in 2007 and was recommended for a hysterectomy but somehow she slipped through the the time her op was scheduled then cancelled and then re scheduled it had grown larger but they said still operable.then we got the news that it was cancer.that was on december13.dont worry they said on dec 29 we will fix it.on jan2 they told us that she would be going to the hospital.then on jan 3 2013 we got the news "oh sorry.big mistake.its now inoperable and terminal.we will get you into a hospice"she went into the hospice the next day where i stayed with all her the time.the following thursday jan 10 at 8 pm my beloved wife of 40 years passed away at the age of 56 and my whole world ended.i worshiped the ground she walked on,everything i ever did was for only duty was to make her happy and keep her safe and i failed.i am lost and i pray every night to not wake up life is a living nightmare and i want it to end.i just want her back.

Comments for steve

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Nov 08, 2013
still here
by: steve

Well as the title says I am still here.just another thing I can't do right.despite seeing the mental health team and cruse I still pray to die every is not worth living without my love.everyone says time is a healer but I still feel as I did when my Julie died.I hope my time is drawing near

May 29, 2013
by: Kristina

I know how you feel, Steve -- i feel exactly the same way. I'm sorry you are in this hellish situation. I'm sorry i am; i'm sorry we all are.

May 29, 2013
by: steve

i had a really bad thought this morning.after 40 years with my beloved Julie,two thirds of my life,I realised that i will never ,ever again be that close to another human being.I have now received the results of the investigation into my beautiful wifes death and the health authority has admitted full liability which has made it worse somehow.To know that because somebody didnt do their job properly,my wife is gone,my children have lost their mum and my world has fallen apart.I just need to go now!

May 23, 2013
by: steve

thank you all for your comments but i am sad to say i am still here.i cant seem to die although that is all i life is falling apart and so is my mind.i cant seem to do anything right

May 10, 2013
by: silver

FIRST: you DID NOT fail. you were there when she needed you the most.My darling husband died in an ICU room.He had a 2 bouts w/bladder cancer and was "clean" He had emphysema and got pneumonia.It turned septic and killed his kidneys.Dialysis was killing his heart.I didn't get to see him much and couldn't be by his side for long at a time.During his stay they found a tumor in one of his lungs.Because of his bad lungs he could only have had chemo and oxygen.He was so weak that if he had beat all odds and come home I would have been terrified to sleep.I would have stayed next to his side constantly.I know its hard to go on. My love and I were married 33 yrs and good friends for 4 yrs.It's so hard to wake up and he's not there.It's been 2 yrs this month(May)for me.I am adjusting now and not crying every day.I am finally going our some to see friends. It is hard but as my love used to say,"It never goes away,it just gets easier to handle" I believe that I will be with him again.I have to believe that or I know I would feel so much worse.GOD send you peace and love.I keep you and me and people like us in my prayers.

May 05, 2013
Hang in there mate.
by: Alan

Steve, I only just read your story and I hope you are still using this site. I too, lost my darling wife of 40 years on Jan 31st 2013. I can understand everything you are saying. My wife was too young to go too, only 58. I feel like I failed her. It was my duty to care for her and keep her safe and she died right next to me in bed and I was asleep. Why didn't I wake up? Why didn't she call out to me? Her problems started too with medical incompetence. A simple op, one careless cut into her intestinal cavity and she had to endure 33 years of sickness, operations and jaw dropping awareness that the medical profession is 10 per cent angels, 90 per cent indifference.
Steve, you will see your beloved wife again. I am convinced there is an afterlife. Something as powerful as the love you had for your wife and the love I had for mine can't end!
I know how you feel. What's the point of going on? But you must Steve. Your beloved wife will be looking over you and she would want you to live. She is with the angels, and she knows you will be together one day. I think of my darling every minute and I can see you do too. Honour her by living mate. Please don't do anything to yourself Steve, you sound like a great bloke. This world needs people like you. God bless you and best wishes. You are not alone Steve. Alan.

Apr 13, 2013
by: Alassia

Please let me know how you are?

Mar 26, 2013
by: Alassia


I can feel your pain.

It sounds as though you’re trying to support other people – and you must be exhausted. Often, I don’t answer the telephone at home because I don’t have the strength to reassure friends or family that ‘I’m OK’, when I’m so obviously not OK, simply because I don’t want to burden them! Does that make any sense? Unfortunately, I don’t think friends and family can ‘share the pain’ we experience and ease the hell we’re going through, even if they want to...

It can be easier to talk to a stranger and, for that reason, I contacted the Samaritans. They offered bereavement counselling and I had a wonderful, experienced, counsellor who gave me a lot of support, especially in the early days. (These are very ‘early days’ for you and your pain is very raw). At times, she even cried with me, which may sound strange but I knew I was speaking with another human being and not an automaton. For that reason – apart from financial constraints – I didn’t want to see a private ‘therapist’: I’m deeply cynical about people who make their living out of others’ vulnerability so that wouldn’t have helped me at all. (Just my personal opinion).

Another option .you could consider, is CRUSE?

I understand completely that you don’t want to go on with this life. Neither do I. What stops me committing suicide is the fear that I would ‘botch it’ and be in an even worse state/ more of a burden / more helpless than I am now!


Mar 26, 2013
by: steve

I am not religious but Oh My God, i"ve never felt pain like this .please put me out of my misery.

Mar 23, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Steve I am sorry to hear that you are in such a hard place of despair right now and can find no solace In living another day. I am sorry for your son who wants to self destruct in his own world of sorrow and despair.
I know how you feel. I have been in this place a few times and with the loss of my husband of 44yrs. it feels pointless to live each day without him. It would have been our 45th Wedding Anniversary tomorrow 24th March. Every day is difficult. Life has lost its value and meaning.
I hope you don't die. I hope your son does not self destruct. I would hope that you all as a family can come together and help get each other through this grief with the support of a grief counsellor. This is the only way you are going to get out of this despair you are in. I know what it feels like to be where you are. I also know what it feels like to come out of counselling a few years ago and find it easier to deal with life's difficulties. Had I not had this counselling. I may not have been alive. God wants me to Live because he rescued me so many times from death. So I have no Choice but to live each day whether I feel like it or not. We don't have to think very hard about our sorrow. It is just there. It never goes away. It hurts us each day with such an assault we can hardly bear the pain. I never thought Grief would feel like this. It hurts all the time. We need a FOCUS outside of our loss to help get us through each day. I am 64yrs. You say you are 60yrs. thank God I am this side of life, and not a young woman who has years of life that would feel like being in a prison or an abyss. I never thought death of a loved one could hurt so much and leave life so meaningless now. I hope you find a purpose to go on in life. I hope you and your family get your life back and come together and help each other get through this nightmare. May God come before you all and pick you up and carry you through this valley of tears till you can look into the face of God and He welcome you all into his arms, and shield you all till you find your way back into life. May the days ahead be better for you all and you survive this GRIEF.

Mar 23, 2013
by: steve

Time is healing nothing.every day is worse than the day before.all i want to do is die but if i do anything my oldest son will self destruct.why do people make everything so hard.all i want is to be with my wife the way. we were meant to be.i should have died with her

Mar 16, 2013
by: steve

Reading all you comments makes me realise that the medical profession have a lot to answer biggest problem is that i have no one to turn to.i have a daughter who is also suffering and a son who is an alcoholic and will not talk about about his only family are my wifes who are all will be our wedding anniversary and my wifes birthday on 19 of november and i dont think or want to see christmas.i see no future after all of you who have been so kind to share your stories i have no wish to go on.without my darling there is no purpose to life.i wish you all the is the only reason to live.

Mar 16, 2013
Steve and Alassia
by: Anonymous

I think we do understand each other, insofar as one person can understand the anguish of another. I don't believe in the religious version of hell, as some place of damnation in the afterlife, but now that my husband has died I do believe in this kind of hell on earth. Before he died my life, while not perfect, was good. We had financial problems and the usual bumps in life, but our life together was good -- our love for each other sustained and nourished us. My family has always been loving and supportive; some of his family are loving and supportive as well while some are not, but my family also loves him so he gained a second family. SOOOO many times I said to him "We are so lucky and blessed -- we have money problems, but those are really our only problems. We have each other and we love each other, and we have family that loves us.", and he always agreed.

And now everything is shot to hell. My family are still loving and supportive, and that is the only good thing in my life. And I love them very much, but they can't make life worth living for me, now that my heart has been torn from me. I love them for loving me, but at the same time their love is trapping me here.

I used to believe that life was generally good. I had existential crises about huge problems like child abuse and war and serial killers, like how could those horrific things exist in this world, especially if there's a loving God running things, but in terms of my own life I felt blessed. My soul mate and I had found each other. I wish I could convey to you what a truly wonderful man my husband is -- he is the guy who would literally give anyone the shirt off his back, even people he didn't know. He always made people laugh and feel better, he was and is the most loving, kind, wonderful person I have ever known. I am not saying he was perfect, and he would be the last person to say that about himself, but he is a wonderful soul, a wonderful man, and he loves me completely, as I love him. And now I have to wait until I am allowed to die before I can hopefully, maybe, be with him. That is a ***ked up system. I now consider my life a curse, not a blessing, not a gift. I don't want it. God, if there is one, should take it back and just let me be with my love.

ugh, sorry this is so long, and sorry if I'm hijacking your post, Steve. I should probably post my own. But anyway -- yes, I know how you feel, as much as anyone can know how anyone else feels when it comes to his horribly situation.

Mar 16, 2013
Why? "Huge Question" "Will we ever understand?"
by: Doreen U.K.

Alassia what a terrible ordeal you had with the loss of your beloved husband. Having read your reply here I have been astounded to learn more of how your husband died through negligence of the doctors. This has also happened to me in 2005 when my husband nearly died of ENCEPHALITIS. I mounted a battle against the doctors which almost cost me an emotional breakdown with all the stress of handling this battle by myself. I got the right treatment for my husband after this. But at what a cost.
All the negligence will affect your grief. You are not to blame for this. Often when one knows too much and challenges the doctors they don't like it. I know how you feel about the haunting in your husband's eyes and this makes you feel like you let your husband down. I saw this same fear in my husband's eyes. That he had been a hard working man and looked after his family well and HE WAS THE ONE TO DIE. Almost like a sacrifice for doing good. Saturday is the day he died and so Today is my very worst day of the week every week. I don't know when this horror will end. You will eventually FREE yourself when these memories don't hurt you anymore. I don't know why Grief assaults us with guilt. WE don't need this. Bad enough losing the love of our lives and having to bear this heavy burden of loss. May you be Blessed in life and that things work out for you in the way you need so you can at least get through life the best way you can.

Mar 15, 2013
by: Alassia


Your post has struck a raw nerve. You've written my thoughts - in a much better way.

I'm sorry - but I'm lost for words.

All I can offer is a very big hug. X

Mar 15, 2013
Why ?Huge question! Will we ever understand?
by: Alassia

Each of us here, in our own way, is going through the same agony. We may be worlds apart physically, but emotionally we are experiencing the same Hell.

Steve, I understand what you are going through but my empathy, I know, will give you little consolation because we cannot be consoled. How can we be consoled when we have lost our love, our life, our everything?

My husband was also only 56 when he died;also through medical negligence. After visiting the doctor at the Hospital here, and having an X-ray, he was told his lungs were clear, was given a cortisone spray for a throat infection, along with pain killers, and advised to rest.

One week later, we visited a private consultant for a second opinion and the consultant diagnosed pneumonia and prescribed antibiotics.

It emerged that the Hospital had taken an X-ray of his spine, not of his lungs!

When my husband didn’t improve, in four days, I took him back to the private hospital, because, by then, I trusted them...

How wrong could I have been?

I noticed my husband seemed to be confused on admission that morning and alerted the doctors. My darling husband then presented all the classic signs of a stroke. But, the doctors were ‘confused’ and watched him - for 8 hours – until he had an epileptic seizure caused by a brain haemhorrage!

He was immediately transferred to the Hospital (because no-one dies in the private hospitals here!) It turned out the private hospital didn’t have the equipment even to do a CT/MRI scan, and didn’t have the facility to intubate!

I promised my husband, when he emerged from the coma in ICU, after four days, that I would look after him.

I still remember the look of trust in his eyes!
His look of complete trust haunts me every day I’m forced to live and carry on without him.

I failed, totally.

I went for counselling and was told I wasn’t to blame because several ‘expert’ doctors were involved. How could I know more than them?

The problem I am left to deal with is: it seems that I did have more knowledge/ awareness than they did!They continue to practise – and I am left with the results of their ignorance...

Mar 15, 2013
by: steve

Oh Kristina.You get it.reading your comment I felt every word and emotion.I know exactly where you are as I am there too.if I could find a 100% sure,painless way to end my agony I would.I see no future without my darling wife.its been 64 days since my beautiful wifes death and I still pray every night to not wake up.I see no future for me .we were as you say soul can you live with half a soul,half a heart.i dont think you have to be religious to believe in an afterlife.I am not but I could not go on if I didnt believe that we would be together again one thoughts are with you,Kris and I hope somehow we both can survive this.x

Mar 14, 2013
I am in the same horrible place
by: Kristina

Steve, I'm so sorry. My husband and I were and are as much in love as you and your wife, and I agree that no one can exactly understand or experience another person's grief. But those of us who have also lost our soulmate can understand each other a little bit.

My husband and I were together nearly 13 years. He is my only love, my only lover, and I knew as soon as we met that we were meant for each other. Neither of us is perfect, but we are perfect for each other. He died literally one week after our wedding, and in every way but the physical I died with him. I want nothing more than to die and be with him, but I'm agnostic so I don't know if there's a God and/or an afterlife. The worst part, even worse than not having my love here with me, is not knowing if he still exists and is himself and is ok and that we will be together again. Nonetheless I want to die -- if there is an afterlife then I will be with him, and if there isn't then at least my pain will stop. I would kill myself, except that I have promised my family that I wouldn't (and while I don't believe that would keep me from my love, if there is an afterlife, I don't know, and so I can't risk it). But I also pray every day that I will die, even though I don't know if there is a God and I hate her/him if there is, for taking my husband from me. If there is a God, the kindest thing s/he could do for me would be to kill me and take me to my husband.

Mar 10, 2013
by: steve

Thanks for the comments.all so close but every bodies grief is individual.I am 60 my wife was 56 and we still held hands when we were out.who can I hold hands with now.I cannot sleep without pills but they wont give me enough for the sleep that I want.I cry in the mornings.I cry in the evening and the other day I sat in the pub and started crying I dont know how much longer I can do this.Its getting harder instead of easier.

Mar 09, 2013
We Faced the Same Enemy
by: Mark

Our paths that have lead us to our grief are very similar, Steve, with a similar tale of medical misjudgement.

I had known my wife for sixteen years and we were one of those magically rare couples that were born for each other. Our love was a powerful bond that could not be broken even by the trials brought to us by battling the vileness that is cancer.

We fought as hard as we could for four months beating back the monster as best we could but in the end it took her from me. I have not stopped weeping since and do not yet know how I am going to get up from this blow and press on without her light in my life to make it worth living.

This that you wrote at the end of your piece is a direct reflection of what I feel and echoes what I have said to those friends that have stuck by me in this awful time:

"everything i ever did was for only duty was to make her happy and keep her safe and i failed.i am lost and i pray every night to not wake up life is a living nightmare and i want it to end.i just want her back."

I know that it is no direct help to know that another knows exactly what you are going through because he is doing so himself but sharing the pain, even remotely, with someone who *does* understand what you are feeling can ease the bitterness of the tears.

Mar 09, 2013
Your wife
by: Kate

This is a shock to you for you wife to be gone like that. I lost my son recently at 39 just 3 months ago. I'm still in shock .how can it be........we can't accept this so easy. It takes work. I lost my husband too 19 yrs ago who was my soul mate and I was so lost and empty. Then my son became my best friend and now he is gone. This suffering is so hard. We do survive but we change from each loss. I can't do it without God. Grief has so many emotions..... Anger pain sorrow loss emptiness but we do survive,somehow. You do have inner strength you just don't know it. One day at a time Steve.

Mar 07, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Steve I am so sorry for your loss of your wife to a blunder from the medical profession. I also know how you feel having lost your beloved after 40yrs which is a lifetime together. It is such a lonely and miserable existence without the one you want to spend your life with. You did not fail your wife. The medical profession failed her. So did our Government because of the changes they are making in the NHS that we are losing good patient care. The doctors want to get on with the business of doctoring and they can't because the government is always making changes and interfering. Our hospitals are closing and we are being left feeling abandoned. MISTAKES. are being made too much in our medical care. It would take too long to tell you my story. But briefly my husband called Steve died 10 months ago of MESOTHELIOMA Lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. His cancer was incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. He was neglected and he felt abandoned. All because of a lack of funding. My Steve died in terrible pain because of a lack of funding he could not get the pain medication he needed through a syringe driver. He died the same day they put it in.
Steve your pain is of Raw Grief and it is the worst feeling ever. We on this site know what you are going through and how bad it is. But it won't stay this way. WE all felt the same way. I wanted to die days after my husband. I was angry and mad with the medical profession. I am still sad and in grief. The lonliness and emptiness of being on one's own is horrendous. Nothing in life makes sense anymore. Steve you could benefit from seeing a CRUSE bereavement counsellor who will support you in your pain which is exploding. This support will take the edge off the pain of grief till you can get through one day at a time. I was married 44yrs. and my husband did not get his retirement. He died 11 months into this. If you need more support you can email me

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