Still can't believe i have lost my mum

My mum died on 24th march 2013 just 9 days ago. I still can't believe this has happened. In december last year she was told she had cervical cancer and i thought then if anything happens to my mum i couldn't go on. My mum had all her treatments and had just finished radiotheraphy and chemo and was in hospital one last time for brachytherapy which was to get rid of the last of the cancer, her surgeon was so hopeful and said the cancer was nearly all gone. She was supposed to get home 2 days later on the thursday when she called and said she would be staying in hospital a little while longer as she had collapsed and they had found blood clots in her lungs, i still just kept thinking she would be ok, she had to be she was mum and my world nothing could ever happen to her! Mum was only 53 and was so pleased the treatment was working, she was so ill the past 3 months some days she couldn't get out of bed but i kept telling her she would be ok. I went to visit her on the saturday at hospital and reminded her the treatment was working and she would soon be home, she lay there cryin sayin she hoped i was right, my mum was terrified of dyin of leaving her children and grandchildren. I don't have children i'm 28 and don't want now as i can't face knowing my mum will never see them. When i was leaving that night i kissed her and told her i would see her in the morning, i remember looking at her when i left the room and thought i hope this is not the last time i'll ever see her alive, weird i know as she was getting better. The next morning she was texting me all morning saying how better she felt, she had her hair washed, the first time in four days and she asked me to take in a sandwich for her, i was so pleased as she hadn't eaten in weeks. I was just 10 mins away from hospital when my sister called and said mum had gone into cardiac arrest. I knew she was gone. When i got to hospital the doctors told me mum was taking her final breaths and i could be with her when she died. I walked into the room (the same room she was in the night before) and i could tell she was already gone, i will never get the image of her out of my mind for aslong as i live. They said she had tried to get up to go to toilet my herself and collapsed and they found her in the bathroom, mum had told me that morning she needed the toilet and i told her to ask a nurse for help. But that was just my mum she always wanted to do things by herself. I can't believe i will never see her or speak to her again, she was my best friend and i saw her every day, i can't face going back to work but i know i have to, mum used to work in the same place as me and everyone knew her, i am starting to learn the pain i am feeling will never go away, i panic when i think i'm alone, my dad also passed away 13 years ago when i was just 15. How will i go on without my mum? Its so cruel she was beating cancer and something else managed to beat her :(

Comments for Still can't believe i have lost my mum

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Dec 02, 2014
My mom!
by: Tammy

I found this site while looking for ways to deal with the passing of my mom just 4 weeks ago. I know now from reading this I am not alone in my feelings. I just can't believe she's gone it still isn't real to me. I want to talk to her everyday. Mom was just 63 when lung cancer took her from us so violently. I was not in the room when mom died because I didn't want that image in my head for the rest of my life. I said goodbye about to her an hour before she passed and seeing her in that stae was devastating. Seeing everyone else move on with life makes me so sad they seem to be back to normal and I can't believe it. I have 3 small kids who won't see life with a wonderful gramma. My heart is broken my best friend is gone:(
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
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Apr 17, 2014
help me im lost
by: lyn

im overcome with grief,2 days ago my mum was found passed away in bed aged 62,she was in good health,had been out bike riding that day and had not said she had felt unwell,all i know is that night she went to bed it was to be forever,how can i go on when ive never known life without her

Apr 11, 2013
So sorry
by: Anonymous

Hello. My story is a similar one. I lost my mother on March 15, 2013. She was diagnosed with late stage cancer back in July. The doctors think we finally lost her due to a bloodclot in her lung whens she stood come back from the rest room. Please know you are not alone in this overwhelming grief. I will be thinking about you and your family.

Apr 10, 2013
Nightmare
by: Anonymous

I have lost my mom too on 29/03/13,my mother died because of cholangio carcinoma identified last dec.my mother only have 3 months to lived caused her cancer is sooo malignant.and for the past 3 months i had been 24/7 around her as her daughter,nurse and guidance.i quit my job just for looked after my mom.i dont have any knowledge about cancer,all i know i read from internet.but from there i know that my mom only have 3 months to live.for the past 1,5 months my mom n I lived at the hospital,i never left her for goin home.i'm afraid that i cant get enough memories with her.and her journey was'nt easy.she felt lots of painfull with the help of the morphine and painless drugs.sometimes when i saw her in pain i pray to God to took her fast,but after she died I can't accept that she was gone.I saw n I being there when she gone,n I will never forget the way she was gone.it becomes a nghtmare that i pray to God to wake me up.I really love my mother..i'm 32, not married,n i don't have any spirit to live this life anymore.before that my life was so perfect with the job i love,the friends that care for me and a mother that the best that God gave me.suddenly it changed overnight n become a nightmare only in 3 months

Apr 04, 2013
Same
by: Anonymous

My story is somewhat similar too. I was 26 when my mum went. She was slightly unwell. Tests showed last stage of cancer. This was may 2011. In less than three weeks she was gone. I also can't get those scenes out of my head. My mom was always so full of energy that I used to joke with her that I feel ores just looking at her. I am the only child. Married but no kids. Worry abt my dad so much. My grandmom ( dads mom)is thr but she too rlly deteriorated since my mama went. I don't knw what to do.

Apr 03, 2013
Loss of my Mom
by: Lisa

My Mom passed away 3/19/13 and I too have not been sleeping at night. She was sick only one month and we never did get any confirmation what was wrong. The Doctors felt it was lymphoma but a biopsy was never done due to her state. Strange I lost my Dad at 15 as well but I am 46 now and that image of her last breath is stuck in my head. I just cant get over the thought that I cant pick up the phone and call her ever again. She left us with a lot of memories and that is what Im trying to hold onto. My son is three and she will never see him grow up. I got married last year but was waiting till the spring to hold a reception which she will never attend. This whole thing has made me realize my own mortality and it scares me. There is so much emotion going thru me right now I dont know where to turn.

Apr 03, 2013
Mum
by: Anonymous

Hi thanks for taking the time to write back, i am still awake at 2am as i can't sleep at night. Its only when i go to bed memories of my mum come flooding back and it is so painful. In tears right now just reading your reply. Just keep thinking of the last times i had with mum taking her to her appointments and promising her everything would be ok. I have an aunt who is like a gran to me but she is 75 years old and has gone down hill really fast since my mum has gone. She is all i have left and i pray nothing happens to her aswell.

Apr 03, 2013
Somedays I still find it hard to believe...
by: Novi

Your story brought tears to my eyes, I'm sorry that you have been orphaned at such a young age. I know the feeling , my father died 15 years ago, when I was 17 and my mother died of Kidney cancer in November 2011. In the last year and 5 months, there isn't a single day I haven't thought of her. Your pain is very raw, I remember being in denial for the first 3 months after she died. I don't have any children either, I'm very lonely in this giant world. You probably wonder why the world is still turning even though your mom is gone. It doesn't feel right at all. People say it gets easier, I'm not so sure that's the right word. I prefer to describe it as 'getting used to' this new life. But first you need to allow yourself to grieve, and find acceptance. I didn't want to accept it, but eventually it began to feel like the right thing to do. I didn't want to be stuck in frozen grief indefinitely, because my mom wouldn't have wanted that. I hope you have people you can reach out to for support in this difficult journey you have just begun.

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