Still Crying for 10 months everyday

by S. Hatch
(Las Vegas NV)

I've been reading so many stories with this program. My question in my mind is always the same. How can I cry everyday most times all day after 10+ months. I don't see what is going to be different next year or whenever. What is going to change? The bed is still with one, coming in from the store in sunglasses because I always cry. The frig is full of nothing. His hands and arms are no where to be found. I haven't felt warmth in my body since he died. My prayers are still unanswered, the phone calls at lunch are not there, the flowers for no reason are not there, but most of all it went from we to me and I am not excepting this. This stupid house makes me want to blow it up. The pool hates me and keeps turning different colors. The stupid thing was refurbish in mid 2011 and it was beautiful all ready for spring. Not one person got in the stupid pool. I just spent the entire summer maintaing the dumb thing. We planned the pool together. With him dying on New Years Day 2012. We never had a chance to enjoy it or the new trailer we never used. I am so empty and there isn't one thing on this earth that can fix that or fix me. I know I am going to hate the up coming holidays. Walking in Wal Mart, geez I about lost my lunch seeing all the things the won't be in my house this year. I need some direction somewhere. Maybe the senior citizen groups. Who knows.

Why can't god prepare us a little to handle the worst part of your life? Throw down just one idea or thought.

Comments for Still Crying for 10 months everyday

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Nov 29, 2012
Still Crying for 10 months everyday
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous. I agree. "Why does life have to be so difficult?" "Why does Grief have to be so painfull?" I am waiting for God's answer. I can tell you to stop punishing yourself but it has set in you and Here Counselling would greatly benefit you. I don't know how deep counselling works but it does. It is very painfull, but couldn't be worse than the pain I was in. I grew up with anxiety and depression from a child and it is all I knew. I didn't like to pass onto my children my lack of confidence. But I did. When I was in my 40's I went into counselling as I had reached the end of pain tolerance. I stuck with very painfull counselling. I got my life back. Like a miracle I lost my guilt, my lack of confidence, my inferiority complex, my anger, my sadness, my anxiety. I became for the first time A WHOLE PERSON.
Steve my Beloved Husband was a Gem of a man but he had his own upbringing issues and was controlling in many ways. I grew to live with it. Some problems stay with one all their lives. No matter how much they want to change they can't. They don't know how to change themselves. Counselling changes the person. They shed those things they don't like about themselves. Even Guilt is so entrenched in a person they can't shed it or anxiety. Counselling helps here.
Your Adult Children may be able to move on because they lost a Father. When you lose a husband the grief is more intense and painfull. No one knows till they have gone through this. You are so right. I feel the same way. We will never get over our loss. We will just learn to live with this in time. WHEN? No one knows. But we will know when we are changing automatically in time. Please feel free to email me personally You can pour your heart out any way you want for as long as you need to. I have always dreaded where I am today. LONLEY. It is like an emotional cancer. Lonliness is not something one can ever get used to. God would not have created marriage if we were meant to be alone. So God does understand where we are at. He is our only answer to how we feel. Don't try so hard to move forward. It will happen naturally when you are ready. Try and keep a journal and write out each day your thoughts and feelings. this way it also gets it out of your system. When you read back your journal you will know if you have moved forward. It will surprise you. Some of your deepest feelings may come up and allow you to feel cleansed within. You can even get angry in your journal. It is for your eyes only. It is very therapeutic. I wish you well in the days, weeks, and months ahead. May you be comforted in your lonliness and sorrow. I am here for you whenever you need this support. Best wishes. Doreen

Nov 28, 2012
still crying every day
by: Anonymous

Hi Doreen,
I'm glad to have your support, and I'm sorry for the recent loss of your husband. I'm definitely in a
"punishing myself" stage. My husband was emotionally abusive to me, and always made me feel that things were my fault. So now as I analyze the past, I can easily talk myself into believing that everything WAS my fault. And there I sit with guilt and feel I need to punish myself. But in my heart of hearts, I know things weren't all my fault. Still, I keep thinking that if he were back here with me that things would work out better this time ---- because we both would be wiser now.
I don't know why life has to be so difficult. I so much wish I could control my anxiety. I've taken a low dose valium for the past 20 years ---- because of the stress that I was under. I'm still taking it. I was going to taper off the small amount that I'm on, but the doctor suggests I just stay on it. It's only 2 mg a day and probably doesn't do much anyway.
I've had my heart palpitations checked out recently, and was told there is nothing wrong. It's just all anxiety. I get shaky, and my heart pounds and skips beats. It's miserable, but it's all because I'm alone and know my husband isn't coming back --- and also the guilt that I can't quite get rid of. Even though he was controlling, he was still my husband and I did love him. Now I'm just alone and feel so sad most of the time. But I'm trying to move forward. I guess I'm just not totally ready yet.
The Internet is wonderful, for it's here that we find people who understand what this grief process is all about. My kids have long moved on and are upset with me because I haven't. They keep telling me to "get over it." Well, their day is coming when they will lose a spouse and will know the pain of it all.
God bless you in your grief, and I wish you the best. Thank you for writing a note to me. I appreciate it so much.

Nov 28, 2012
Still Crying for 10 months everyday
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous if you are still crying every day for 10 months it is because you have so much loss ot grieve over. Just like a person cannot force themselves to sleep. If a person sleeps too much it is because they need it.
I am in the same place as you. Married 44yrs. lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago. Don't like living on my own. I am 64yrs. and I hate the lonliness of each day without my Steve. I also feel very panicky at many things. One of my panic feelings is reaching out for Steve and he is not there and then panic sets in. "He is gone he isn't coming home anymore. I see his face visually and want to touch him and hold him and then I can't because the feelings of "HE DIED" plague me.
You shouldn't be over grief in 16 months. There is no timetable. Everyone's grief experience is different as is the memories of your beloved husband. The stronger the bond the worse the grief. We didn't plan the way we feel. It happens automatically with loss. We are struggling to find ourselves. I am also worried about life and will I ever be able to move on with my life because at the moment I am not interested in life or living or anything. I am just here on planet earth because God put me here but I don't know how to go on ALONE. I too am scared to be in the house on my own. Everything you said in your post describes how I feel and this is my experience also. You are not alone.
By all means give up the group sessions if they make you feel worse but don't give up your one to one counselling. This will make you feel worse till you wake up one day and find that the grief is getting less and you start to move forward into a happier and integrated person. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for your shortcomings but don't PUNISH yourself for them.

Nov 27, 2012
Still crying after 16 months
by: Anonymous

My husband died 16 months ago, and I'm still crying almost every day. I don't know if that's normal anymore. My counselor said I need to have more patience and be kinder to myself ---- not to put so much pressure on myself. But I just don't feel like myself at all. I get panicky when I think of living the rest of my life alone. I don't like living alone. I've never lived alone in my life, and I'm 66 years old. I'm just anxious and scared all the time. I get heart palpitations from the anxiety. I just want "a life" again, and my biggest fear is that I'll never have one. What if it stays like this forever? Should I be over this in 16 months? I was married for 42 years. Does anyone have any suggestions? I go to counseling and also grief support, but honestly, the support group makes me feel worse so I think I'll stop going.

Nov 02, 2012
Stuck in grief by Anonymous
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your post where you are sitting in your "Griefshare Group". I did get to feel that perhaps I am "Stuck in Grief" only because I feel as if my husband has gone away to work overseas and I am feeling it is about time he came home. I don't willingly think about this. My husband worked all over the country and world for over 47yrs. of his working life and so it feels as if he is working away from home. then I suddendly get a wave of PANIC and suddenly discover he is gone and never coming back. I then cry and can't believe it. I lost my husband 6 months ago so perhaps this is normal.
I was quite interested to read your post regarding your feelings quite like mine. I don't want another relationship. I will never soil the memory of my first and only love. That was my song to my husband. "You were my first love and you will be my last love." because my world begins and ends with you. by an old American Country singer Sonny James. I hope God does not give me another 20yrs. of life even 30yrs. I would consider this to be CRUEL. I am 64yrs. with a heart problem so I best make the most of each day and just live with HOPE of eternal life to come. God would probably have a laugh at me. I started to think. "Suppose God forgets how to put my husband Steve back together again." and I don't get to see him again. This is just PANIC. God is Sovereign. It is just so hard to let go of being together for 44yrs. How does one forget this in 6 months of grief. I have the God channel and I have Premier Christian radio in England. So I have no reason to live without HOPE or to not BELIEVE.

Nov 02, 2012
still sighing 3 yrs in
by: HH

Its hard to see that we will ever grasp this "New Normal" that we read about while trying to fight our way though grieving the first year. Every holiday is a memory that brings excruciating pain to our souls. Taking the day one step one breath at a time is the only way to hang on. Writing in a journal helps talking to the love that we lost letting the emotions out that threaten to tear our sanity in half.

And just as we get used to grief hating it as we do we need to let it go tiring of it controlling our every breath. We begin to fight it push it out trying to reach for a new identity. Finding out what we have become from what we were so long ago.

Forcing ourselves to try new things the courage to do so alone. Getting used to independence and strength we did not know we had.

I am almost 3 yrs in. It hurts as Dec. races towards me bringing back the memories of what was but grief is only kind bringing these memories less and less as time progresses. We can not forward time nor were we meant to. These lessons can only be learned by us experienced by us felt by us to bring a greater appreciation of life.

We will never be frivolous or shallow of soul and self, knowing how precious life is and living it to the fullest after a long grief ride we all must take.

My best to you and all who take this unwanted roller coaster ride of grief. In the end we are stronger than we ever thought possible. Appreciate Love, kindness and decency like never before...

Oct 31, 2012
Stuck in Grief
by: Been There

My husband of 32 yrs died four years ago. He was seemingly healthy until he had to have a heart stent put in and the doctor put in the incorrect size and he had a massive heart attack due to it. My world froze in time and I experienced everything you all have been describing. I just want you to know what you are going through is normal. You are not losing your mind and I agree, holding on to the grief can be an issue, as you don't even realize you are doing so to hold on to your loved one.

The grief process is very individual, but we all have some things in common. Our world is forever changed. I know for me, my faith in God is the main reason I survived. I really didn't want to survive, I wanted to die. I didn't see any reason to continue, even though I have three great adult children and seven grandchildren I love dearly. The loneliness can't be put into words.

Crying, actually is cleansing and will release the pain, though it doesn't seem to help at the time.

Time is your friend. Will things ever change, you ask? YES they will, if you embrace the pain and allow yourself the grace to feel what you feel and work very hard to take each day as it comes. not make any major decisions about life for the first year or maybe two. Don't move, unless you financially have to...don't throw out things that remind you of your former may live to regret it. Everyone has to decide for themselves the right time to do so, but I just know for me, I really wasn't out of the shock stage for over a yr.

Now that I am four yrs out, I can look back and see how things changed, how they did not and would be happy to communicate with anyone that would benefit from my experiences. We each have to do what is best for us, but I wish someone had been able to walk beside me that had been there.

Much prayer and love to you!

Oct 31, 2012
Still Crying for 10 months everyday
by: Doreen U.K.

S. Hatch, I am sorry for your loss. Everything will look unpresentable and make you unhappy whilst you are going through grief. Don't make any major decisions about the pool, or your home, or anything till you feel ready. GRIEF changes us. ~ Grief makes everything look bleak.
My husband spent his whole life working outside the home and inside for over 47yrs. I DON'T know where he got the energy from. I worked alongside him building up our home. I AM SO ANGRY. I don't enjoy the home anymore. My husband Steve died of cancer 6 months ago. He is not here to enjoy the home he built up. I HOPED God would give Steve at least 6yrs. of retirement so he could enjoy some time he worked so hard for. He was entitled to enjoy his life. He went from work, to cancer, to death. I AM STILL ANGRY at the Universe for taking him.
S. Hatch if you are crying for +10months it is because you need to expel your grief and let the healing start. One cries when they need to. Sleep when you need to. Eat when you need to. Don't fight the feelings. RELAX with where you are. If you feel uncomfortable right now try some grief counselling or grief groups to help support you through this damn mess we all go through with our grief. 6 months on I still do little of a day. I might sit at the computer most of the day. But it is how I feel. I just hope one day I will get up and start to do things that need doing and I will have the MOTIVATION to do it. At the moment I have lost my MOTIVATION to do anything.
I hope that Life does get easier for you, and that you will be well supported in your grief. I hope that you do eventually find Peace with the house and what needs to go in it. I hope that you and all of us will LEARN to FIND OURSELVES from grief and continue to do all the things for ourselves that we would have done together as a couple. that we will find the joy again in life and make every day count. May we all find a special someone who will make a difference in our life and we in theirs.

Oct 31, 2012
Stuck in Grief
by: Anonymous

As I was sitting in my GriefShare class this past weekend watching "Stuck in Grief," the speaker said something that really hit home on this topic. Essentially, using grief as a way of keeping the relationship alive. I think that is what I have been doing. I don't want to give up the love of my life. I want to think about him every waking second of the day. I want to keep the relationship alive. I don't want it to be over. Denial, maybe. I know that I don't want to be with anyone else in this life, even though that could mean 30-60 years alone. So, I am thinking of him as, kinda, on a trip. Doing work for God. I will do my work here in the meantime. And, then, one day, we will be back together. The important thing is to just finish my work here for now.

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