Still crying, nine months on

I feel guilty for still being upset over my break up when there is so much suffering in the world, but it hangs over me like a black cloud and I can`t shake it off. I was single for 3 years following the end of my marriage (his infidelity and secret child). Out of the blue, someone I`d liked from afar got in touch, having come out of a marriage too. We instantly hit it off and soon fell in love. He was amazing with my little boy and we laughed all the time. Everyone was blown away by how happy and good we looked together and he did so much for us - helpful, generous, romantic, funny - the perfect man! He often mentioned marriage/ moving in once his divorce finalised and told me repeatedly how happy I made him. Well, after about a year he started to go out more and seemed to need more time to himself, but there were always viable excuses, although I did become a bit clingy and questioning, which upset him.Then one night he txt me to say that it wasn`t going to work for us, then the next day, rang in tears to say he`d never let me go! We then had a blissful few weeks and he drunkenly asked me to marry him one night. A few days later he bailed out and said he was happy but unfulfilled. I went to pieces but he wanted to stay friends. A few weeks later I found out he was with someone else. My son and I were so upset and I couldn`t hide my emotions. I have spent the months since wrestling with being friends with him and trying to be happy for him (he has since moved on to someone else), but all the while hoping he`d come back. He txts sporadically and from time to time I have been flirty and he has responded. In the past few weeks this got quite heavy and he said we should hook up. He then went quiet again and when I asked why he didn`t answer directly but keeps saying he`ll come and see me for a catch up, as if nothing has happened. I now feel so worthless and have had no dates in 9 months. All I want is for my son and I to be happy. I miss him every day, even though I know it`s hopeless, and just know that I`ll never find anyone with his qualities again.

Comments for Still crying, nine months on

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Aug 26, 2013
To Judith in California
by: Anonymous

Judith thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I do know that I need counselling - I`ve always had issues around self worth/ belief but the circumstances around my marriage break up and my last break up have really knocked the stuffing out of me. I just want to reassure you that I`ve protected my son as best I can. He`s a wise little thing and I`ve been honest with him and have always said none of this is his fault. Luckily he has a fantastic relationship with his dad and this has helped immensely. I was on my own for 3 years after he left and concentrated solely on my son, and we have a really wonderful relationship, for all I`ve spoiled him. When my ex came into our lives it was so natural, it seemed meant to be and I think for the time we were together he was genuine. It`s only since he left that he seems to be a different person and I`ve struggled with that because it clouds the happy memories. I`m a bit embarrassed that you think I`m young, I`m 43 and I know I should know better at my age but I think a lot of it is to do with fear of being alone this late in life. I will definitely tread more carefully if there is a next time though. The comments on here are helping so much though, and I can`t thank you and Doreen enough. Take care

Aug 26, 2013
To Doreen
by: Anonymous

Doreen, you truly are an angel. I feel as though stumbling upon this site was meant to be. I`m so sorry for your loss, and such tragic circumstances and I am in awe that you take the time to help others whilst dealing with your own grief. Today I`ve felt more positive than in a long time and I know what I have to do now. I have a wonderful family and great friends and need to be thankful for what I have. I will not lose sight of hope for the future, but being in the now is just as important. I`m sorry this is short, but I`m really tired. Just wanted to say thank you so, so much, and hope you`re ok. I will keep you posted and please feel free to vent your problems to me too, if I can be of any help! x

Aug 25, 2013
Still crying, nine months on
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous I am glad that what I said has helped you in some way. My focus was on You. Due to space I couldn't tell you a bit about me. I was married for 44yrs. to a super man. He developed ENCEPHALITIS in 2005 and nearly died. He was saved by God and in 2009 he went on to have MESOTHELIOMA. A rare and serious form of lung cancer caused by working with ASBESTOS. He was in his 20's and cut this material. The fibres lodged in his lungs and develops over 40-60yrs. into a malignant tumour which is incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days and he died almost 16 months ago. I know what it is to now be so alone that you miss having someone in your life. We all have needs and we can't deny this. We were also created for relationship so can't survive well in isolation from other people. But saying this relationships can become so complicated that I am of an age where I don't want change or complications. You are younger and so your needs will be different from mine. You have your whole life in front of you. After counselling you will be amazed at how you feel and how you can move forward with your life. You must get the right counsellor for you, and resolve your hurts and losses from the past so you don't take them into a new relationship. Doing this for yourself you will probably attract the right person for You. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. Change your FOCUS. Don't FOCUS on your loneliness and NEEDS at the moment. FOCUS on getting yourself in a healthy emotional state to take on a new person in your life.
I struggled all my life, got married, had 3 children and due to loss of confidence It affected my children. I took myself into counselling in my 40's and it was the saving of me. I emerged into a person that could have danced on air. I felt FREE for the first time in my life. The air around me felt PURE. I never knew life could be so good. I started living then only to now lose my husband in the start of his retirement. I have to do this alone now. But had I not had this counselling I would not have coped so well. Life is still a struggle. But helping support people like you makes life worth living. Life will get better. Take one day at a time and you will find happiness again. Don't give up HOPE!

Aug 24, 2013
To Doreen, uk
by: Anonymous

Doreen, I just want to thank you for taking the time to reply and for having such amazing insight. Everything you say is true, and yes I`m going to seek counselling as this isn`t right. I`m struggling with my son too (he`s 6) and is at a very strong willed stage so I find that because I`m so unhappy I`m not coping very well and tend to let him get his own way. Also, I`m in my 40`s and my ex is younger. The girl he`s with now is 31, no kids and they travel all round the country with her job.(However, he can`t think much of her if he`s texting flirty messages). The whole thing is just so painful and I know I have to distance myself, but seeing him and his txts have become an addiction. When he said we needed a night together I was so excited, but then he acts as if those exchanges never happened. I keep thinking maybe this is it for me, but I know I need to have faith and to sort my own life out first. Thank you again, it`s so good to get an outside perspective and you`ve made me realise a few things and that there are a lot of underlying issues beyond this broken relationship. I don`t know your situation but I do hope you are also getting good advice / comfort on here. Take care x

Aug 24, 2013
by: Judith in California

Dear , YES IT'S AWFUL and IT'S SAD BUT what he is doing is nothing short of emotional abuse. And do you know why he is doing that? it's becasue you are shoing him it's okay because you keep taking him back. From this writing I take it you are very young. Take it from the voice of experience...maybe I can save you from years of grief.
You need to stop all contact with him outright. HE is not worth the time or effort. AND your son is going to be hurt more. Please reassure him he is not the reason for the split. He should not have to deal with adult problems so keep him out of it. And please , in the future, do not bring any man home to meet him unless you mke it clear he is only a friend. And NO SLEEP OVERS. Boys need a male figure in their lives but one of character and one who knows how to respect his mother. But Mom has to respect herself and set boundaries as to what she will expose her son to. Your son should not see you crying over a worthless man. Remember all you do writes on the slate of your son.

Please don't go from man to man. Take time to know yourself and what it is you truly need ,besides not being alone. You're finding out there are worse things than being alone. And if you feel worthless , a man will treat you in a worthless manner.
Being clingy is a sign of being insecure. It also turns things sour real fast. Please look to yourself to find out why you would tolerate this kind of abuse from a man. A little counseling or some self help books will enlighten you.
Learn to need yourself, be comfortable with yourself and be there for your son.

Bottom line ...stop all contact with him, get your head on right and set standards for yourself and your son and do not let anyone treat you disrespectfully again.

Aug 24, 2013
Still crying, nine months on
by: Doreen U.K.

It is normal for you to feel upset that this man you love has walked out of your life. Try and process what is going on. He had a failed marriage, you then both found each other and it seemed like something wonderful for both of you because you both had failed marriages. It is so easy for someone in your situation to feel secure and happy meeting someone, because of what your husband did to you. Best thing you could do is see a counsellor and grieve your loss of your marriage and this relationship and find out what is going on. Often each of you may be taking elements of your marriage into a new relationship and have high expectations which has now gone.
Relationships are never easy. firstly we all take baggage into relationships but if both people can resolve the problems then it will work. But what this man has done is just up and leave and walk out on you. You find he has someone else. He flits in and out. No wonder your emotions are all over the place and your self esteem is low. DON'T LET ANYONE DO THIS TO YOU. See yourself as worthy of RESPECT and don't settle for anything less at any cost even to make a relationship work. This new man in your life is UNSTABLE. Don't invite him back into your life otherwise you are courting disaster. Also think of your son and what this is doing to him. He also need nurturing of a male who is stable and can offer him nurturing. Otherwise your son won't develop well. He will start showing unhappiness and emotional instability. SEE A COUNSELLOR. Don't sit around wasting time crying over this man. HE IS NOT WORTH IT. You and your son are worthy of someone who will be there for you both. Don't give up HOPE. Don't hang your heart on the first man that comes along. Counselling will help your self esteem and also help you make better decisions and also see the pitfalls before they become problems. Don't find anyone on the rebound. You are more likely to be finding comfort and this could work against you. Throw everything into caring for your son and in time you will with the support of a counsellor get your life back on track and be stronger if someone else comes into your life. Best wishes.

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