Still Daddy's Girl

by Linda

My precious father passed away on June 1, 2012. The grief is almost unbearable. Although he had been sick since March, his death was unexpected and my mother and I are reeling from the loss.
I was fortunate to have had my father for 57 years. As my parents were getting more and more frail, I spent more and more time with them. My dad and I had a special bond. Everyone who knew him remarked at what a happy man he was. And was he ever! Even though he was suffering from diabetes and arthritis, he doted on my mother, never once complaining. I used to love to take him out to lunch, just the 2 of us, and he would tell me stories I've heard a hundred times and still enjoyed hearing because it made him so happy to tell them.
March marked the beginning of the end. What started as gall bladder trouble became heart failure and kidney failure. On June 1, my mother, who moved in with us, became very ill and started vomitting. After coming home from work I anticipated going to the er to see my mother and then go to rehab to see my father. I left the er at 4:30 and found my dad lying in bed sleeping. I woke him up, but I could tell it was difficult for him to talk. I should have known what was happening when he pointed to the foot of the bed and said to me, "Open." He kept saying that over and over. Of course I couldn't see anything and kept asking him what was there. When he fell asleep again around 7:00, I snuck out of his room, not kissing him or saying goodbye because I "knew" I would see him tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. At 10:30 he passed away, all alone. I am wracked with guilt that I left him. I didn't say goodbye. I keep asking myself,"Did he call out for me? Did he wonder where I was?" I can't forgive myself. A few times he would say to me, "When I go, I never want you to have any regrets. You are the best daughter anyone could have." All of that was washed away that night and I can't live with myself.
I've also lost my faith. My dad couldn't wait to turn 90. He missed it by 28 days. He couldn't wait to move in with us after he got out of rehab, and was also robbed of that. I'm so angry at God. Why couldn't He allow him just one more summer?
I'm now left with taking care of my mother while dealing with my own grief. She can't do anything for herself anymore and her grief has left her just sitting in a chair, not speaking.
I keep praying that my dad will come to me to tell me he's ok, but he hasn't . Now I feel there's nothing after this life. My dad loved us so much, if he could come back, he would.
Daddy, I miss you and love you so much. I am so grateful to have had you as my father.

Comments for Still Daddy's Girl

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Jul 29, 2012
by: Anonymous

I have just lost my dad, at the age of 69yrs. He too, had been ill for sometime, but it wasn't the cancer he had fought so hard against that took him but a lung infection which just was too much to fight. I don't know how I will cope, and cannot tell you how you will cope, other than to say that I know we will survive, although our hearts will always be broken but will eventually be manageable. I wish for the day when my dad let's me know he is ok, I have to believe x

Jul 20, 2012
by: Anonymous

hi im very sorry to hear o your dads passing. im 30 mine died 9 months ago at the age of 61. i miss him terrible we all do all i can say is take each hour and day as it comes that what i do . i find it really hard too. i do write letters to my dad about how im feeling it helps
mind yourself
take care

Jul 20, 2012
Still Daddy's Girl
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda I am sorry for your loss of your father. It is such a cruelty in life having to face the death of our loved one's. This grief journey is hard. Your story sparked a crying spell for me when you said you never got to say good-bye. I didn't accept the fact my husband would die. Even though he had an inoperable, incurable, aggressive cancer. What was I thinking? Why was I in denial? I was waiting for a miracle. 44yrs of marriage gone. No more time together. I too did not say good-bye. This hurts now. I too was and am angry with God. Steve's cancer takes between 40-60years to develop. Why couldn't it be 50yrs. or 60yrs before it showed up. Why 40years. Steve died 10 weeks ago. He suffered over 3yrs of a painfull cancer. No quality of life in that time. So his passing is a relief. Our anger at God is also a natural part of our grief and it will stop in time. but when I don't know. The Lonliness and emptiness is all the sorrow we have to bear day to day. I hope in time we all get to put our grief to bed.

Jul 19, 2012
No tears in Heaven
by: SoSadDad

Linda, I am so very sorry that you have lost your dad. It sounds like you had a great relationship with him, and, though it's no consolation, you had him for a good long time. I just want you to know that while many people experience visions and messaages from their lost ones, many, many others don't. Yet it hasn't been a long time for you since he died, so don't give up. But what I wanted to say is that this verse "Revelation 7:17 For the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." comforts me in knowing that our loved ones who have passed into Heaven will no longer know of the sorrows of this earth. My wife has had messages from both of our daughters, but I have not. And it's been a year and three years. Still I am happy to know that the girls won't know of me crying and grieving for them, because they are in such a wonderful place. I believe that they anticipate mom and me joining them one day. But I don't believe that they see our tears or hear our cries, and I'm pleased with that. And just for reference, my dad died when I was 1 and one-half years old. I wouldn't take a day of your time, but I sure do wish I'd had more time with mine.

God bless you!

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