Still Grieving Mom/Grandma

by Linda
(Ohio)

December 17, 2006. That was the day I died inside. My 22 year old daughter and two sons (my grandsons) (ages 3 and 20 months) were killed in a car accident. I never thought I would have to plan a funeral for my only daughter. For the past 2 1/2 years I worked myself to death to pay for her funeral and to avoid facing the truth... that she was gone and took her two beautiful boys with her.

The only way I can describe the pain is that it felt as if my heart was ripped out, stomped on and shredded. There is still a big hole in my heart but I have recently started grief counseling and it is helping.

I was in a car accident in 2008 and I wondered why I survived and they didn't. They were young and had their whole lives in front of them. My life was so screwed up that it didn't matter if I lived or died. I continued working after the accident and the injuries I received got worse.

I was forced to quit working this past March and ever since then I have had time to sit and think. Why me? I had already lost so much and then to lose the daughter I wanted so badly. Not only did I have my own grief to deal with, I had to put on a happy face and help my parents, and my two sons deal with their deaths too.

I pushed my own needs aside and dealt with their needs. I worked to pay off the funeral bills and to put up a headstone for all three of them. Nobody else would do it, so it was up to me to take care of them. My parents have helped so much, financially and with prayer, but they don't know what I am going through.

It feels as if nobody knows and I feel so alone at times. People tell me to get over it since its been three years but I don't listen to them. They don't understand and will never understand unless it happens to them. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The day they died, I had talked to my daughter on the phone and made plans for Christmas. I was trying to figure out how to at least get the tree up for the boys, since I had just moved the day before. Then came the call. I wasn't able to decorate for Christmas until this past year. It was too painful.

I guess I am healing because I decorated and sent out cards and even baked some cookies this year, but I still hurt so bad inside some days. When will it get better? People say it will, but it still hurts today as it did "that day".

Today I still worry that something will happen to my two sons or to my new granddaughter. She is the reason I am trying to get better....I want to be there for her and take part in her life, as she has given me such joy.