Still Grieving Mom/Grandma

by Linda
(Ohio)

December 17, 2006. That was the day I died inside. My 22 year old daughter and two sons (my grandsons) (ages 3 and 20 months) were killed in a car accident. I never thought I would have to plan a funeral for my only daughter. For the past 2 1/2 years I worked myself to death to pay for her funeral and to avoid facing the truth... that she was gone and took her two beautiful boys with her.

The only way I can describe the pain is that it felt as if my heart was ripped out, stomped on and shredded. There is still a big hole in my heart but I have recently started grief counseling and it is helping.

I was in a car accident in 2008 and I wondered why I survived and they didn't. They were young and had their whole lives in front of them. My life was so screwed up that it didn't matter if I lived or died. I continued working after the accident and the injuries I received got worse.

I was forced to quit working this past March and ever since then I have had time to sit and think. Why me? I had already lost so much and then to lose the daughter I wanted so badly. Not only did I have my own grief to deal with, I had to put on a happy face and help my parents, and my two sons deal with their deaths too.

I pushed my own needs aside and dealt with their needs. I worked to pay off the funeral bills and to put up a headstone for all three of them. Nobody else would do it, so it was up to me to take care of them. My parents have helped so much, financially and with prayer, but they don't know what I am going through.

It feels as if nobody knows and I feel so alone at times. People tell me to get over it since its been three years but I don't listen to them. They don't understand and will never understand unless it happens to them. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The day they died, I had talked to my daughter on the phone and made plans for Christmas. I was trying to figure out how to at least get the tree up for the boys, since I had just moved the day before. Then came the call. I wasn't able to decorate for Christmas until this past year. It was too painful.

I guess I am healing because I decorated and sent out cards and even baked some cookies this year, but I still hurt so bad inside some days. When will it get better? People say it will, but it still hurts today as it did "that day".

Today I still worry that something will happen to my two sons or to my new granddaughter. She is the reason I am trying to get better....I want to be there for her and take part in her life, as she has given me such joy.

Comments for Still Grieving Mom/Grandma

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Jan 27, 2011
Sad
by: Judy

Hey Linda, i lost my only child, daughter, my pain is so deep, but after reading your story, my heart just hurts for you, i can't even imagine.

Want to ever talk just email me
nana2tots@yahoo.com, or find me on Facebook...Judy Smith, profile pic is of my 2 Granddaughters.
God Bless you

May 18, 2010
There is no time limit on grief
by: Donna

Linda,
There is no time limit on grief and not everyone expresses thier grief the same way. You have the right to your feelings don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

My son Kevin died 9 months ago and ever since then I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have learned who I can count on to be there for me and those I can't. I try to be patient with those who don't understand, because unless you have gone through the loss of a child you can't understand completely the enormity of the grief that we have to learn to live with.

There are those that assume that because I come to work every day and continue to do the things that are part of living that I am dealing with my loss. There are only a few people that I share my pain with because it touches the deepest part of who I am, and I can only share that part of me with those special people that I trust.

The best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself and find at least one person that you can talk openly and honestly with about how you feel.

I pray that time will ease your pain.

Donna

Jan 26, 2010
Grief is hard work
by: Anonymous

Dear Grieving,

Your story pulls at my heart. Grief is such hard work and no human wants to do it or feel it. I am so sorry for your loss; your daughter and babies. Your words are familiar. I too, have a shredded heart from suicide. I am a survivor. My grown child chose to die. It has been a few years now and I would never have thought I could survive weeks, let alone years. I won't tell you it will be over soon. I can say that my pain is not as intense as it once was. There are days when I feel it rush over me, and if so, I let it out. Tears are healing. God says He collects them all. He knows when we hurt and He is there to comfort.

Keep reaching out to the rest of your family. They hurt too. Sometimes we are reluctant to speak of those we lose because we don't want to hurt family members, but those we have loved and lost are in the minds of the survivors, so why not talk about them? My husband and I talk about our kids, all of them. We are now able to remember things that happened when they were young, so we dwell on those fond memories. Keep going, keep trusting. Choose to love.

Blessings.

Jan 08, 2010
Trust In Them
by: Down Under

Linda, your daughter and grandchildren know how much you loved them and still do and they see and feel your pain. They will look down upon you and guide you in the right direction. You may not see that yet but you will soon, just trust in them and allow them to be there for you. Keep your love alive, Linda, with all the beautiful people around you, including your new grand daughter. xo

Jan 06, 2010
More to the story
by: Anonymous

Thank you "Down Under" for your words of comfort. I need to add a little to my story and your words reminded me of that.

My daughter was being abused by her boyfriend and I tried to help her right after the birth of my second grandson. Her boyfriend was listening in on our phone conversation and to make a long story short, he refused to let me see or talk to my daughter and grandsons for a year.

I had finally gotten to see them 3 months before they were killed. Then 8 months after their deaths I lost most of my possessions in a flood. Thankfully I had all the old pictures and other things I kept from when the kids were small upstairs, and they were not damaged. What I lost the most was my computer which had pictures of my daughter and grandsons.

I didn't get to really know my grandsons and wasn't allowed to be involved in their lives and milestones, and that really hurts. I have vowed to be close to my new granddaughter and not miss out on her milestones.

Thankfully I have a wonderful "daughter-in-law" (my son and her are not married yet) who understands this and lets me be there for my granddaughter.

I know this has been three years ago, but I stuffed everything until I couldn't take it anymore. I appreciate everything people write on this site and while the tears come while I am reading, it is helping. Thank you!

Jan 05, 2010
3 Angels
by: Down Under

Linda, firstly my condolences on such a loss of 3 beautiful angels. Secondly, all those who say "get over it" have obviously not been through the death of a close one; they will one day understand the pain and emptiness you are feeling.

I lost my 6 yr old niece 13 yrs ago,and it still hurts at times, and yes I still cry. Try and remember the happy times and joy your daughter and grandkids brought into your life and everyone elses, and yes cry at times, there is nothing wrong with that, just shows you are human with feelings!

This website has helped me with my grieving of the loss of my father 5 months ago, type what you feel and read others' stories and reply if you feel like, it helps to know there are so many others out there feeling the same way. And last but not least, surround yourself with positive people and keep their memories alive. They are spiritually around, you just need to seek them out. Wishing you the best xo

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