Still Grieving Over My Son, Nick Taylor (05-13-87/01-10-10)

by Kimberly Ann Mays
(Greenwood, LA)

Anyone can tell us that time will make it all better. Maybe, in some ways we do grow stronger and learn to cope, but that's not better. It's called existing in a life which we have no choice but to do. My faith is stronger now than it has ever been throughout my entire life, but I'm still allowed to feel the things that I do. This doesn't mean that my faith is less than I claim. It means that I love my child and I now must live without him. God knows what we are feeling better than we do. He knows that we hurt and feel so many emotions. He also hurts for us. I can cry and feel sadness every day of my life, because I choose to. I can't allow this pain to end out of fear that I will be letting go of Nick. It helps me to keep him present in my heart when I hurt. Simply because I remember everything. God tells us that we must suffer through death in order to display His work. I think, for me it means that I'm displaying His work by still being alive today. I would've left, and planned it out completely, but He intervened. This was only one of the things He's done for me throughout my Son's death. I miss my son more and more every day. This doesn't get any easier. I don't think that I can say I've learned to accept his death, because I will never accept that. I have accepted that my life has no choice, but to live here without him. At least until God returns me to him. I've learned to cope in this new life me and my family have now, but it's not easy. Our lives have been shattered into, leaving it in complete disarray. During the first year and a half we still had no way of knowing how we were going to piece this life back together. Too many pieces were now gone, and it just made everything else difficult to come together and make fit. Holidays are never going to be the same, nor will special dates and events. I still dread holidays and celebrations. When my son first passed away I was so angry with my husband and others. I was never mad with my other two sons, but I grew very distant from them. I didn't want to, it just couldn't be helped. I felt so much guilt that I couldn't give Nick the same love and attention so I pulled away. It was several months later when it came to me that I was very lucky to still have them here. What if God wanted them next, just because I was neglecting their needs. I begged God not to take them. I realized real soon that I was blessed to have them. My husband was such a rock. I hated him so much, and had no idea why. He wasn't to blame for my son's death. My son was killed by a man that had already served very little time for killing a military officer after robbing him. This would be his second murder that he was allowed to walk free. So, why did I have so much anger toward my husband? I still don't know. Someone told me that it was because he had been the one in our family that always fixed things, and this time he couldn't. This made more sense to me than anything else. My husband couldn't make it all better. I cried so many times a day and stopped living on my own for a good while. I say that to mean....I only lived because I had to, but I was so dead inside. I couldn't make myself do anything, but go to work. Work kept me busy, but home life made me sad and lonely. It was over a year before I cooked a meal. I just couldn't, because I felt too guilty. I stopped cleaning house, speaking to friends, caring about my appearance and anything else. Some days I wouldn't eat or sleep. I lived on 10-12 cups of coffee per day. Before I knew it I looked ten years older. My face had really aged and I looked like a mess. I couldn't watch tv, because if a gun shot or murder victim was shown on tv I would fall a part. I still spend most of my spare time on my back porch drinking coffee and writing letters to my son. I clean my house again and have started cooking a couple of meals per week. I'm beginning to enjoy tv again and doing things with my family and Nick's 2 and a half year old daughter. I'm far from being where I once was. I may never get back there, but at least I'm going somewhere. I'm so ready to see my son again. That's how I live, trying to get through the days and nights so I can get closer to being with him. Each day is now a count down for my time here. I love my son so much. I can't believe this happened to us. Now, it's all about waiting. The only thing I can say to others is that our pain is ours. It's personal and no one can tell you how to feel or when to stop grieving. You once owned that child as your very own. You now own the pain and emotions that you have. They're yours and only you can decide when or what needs to be released, if ever.

Comments for Still Grieving Over My Son, Nick Taylor (05-13-87/01-10-10)

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Nov 07, 2013
Still greiving.
by: Carol

It is 17 years on December 12 since we lost our son to suicide at the age of 20. We found out he had been sexually abused at a church when he was around 8 years old. He was sensitive and once he reached teen years suffered greatly with this.
Many mistakes where made at the church including allowing the offender to return after being in jail for other victims. I writing because today after all this time I had what I can only describe as a "melt down" over a simple thing like a family get together! I suddenly didn't want to go and I have had experiences like that before over the years. Then I feel angry with myself and guilty as it's my husband's family and I know we will go in the end. So why does this happen...I think because to this day I miss that my son won't even have the chance to be there. I know it's unrealistic but I can't seem to control the feelings. I have asked God to take them away and often He has but it reminds me that even after all these years I am still grieving and will be until I am reunited with him in Heaven.

Jun 25, 2012
Me too
by: Sandy A Pa

Kimberely, your words are like mine own, I am 1 year and 5 months along this journey of grief. I have another son also and know what you mean by pulling away. I am so wrapped up in this grief and I feel so alone sometimes, I have to make a concious effort to reach out to him. He lost his brother to. But i think to myself, you dont understand it was my son - I am his mother -. Its odd the thinks that you stop doing. My son loved music and was alwasy singing. We would sing in the car together. Its only recently - maybe a couple of weeks that I can sing again. I have been silent all this time. I too drank lots and lots of coffee - i was so exhausted from crying, not sleeping. That to has eased up. It is my faith in God that has helped me the most. My faith is stronger now than ever, and although I was very angry at God at one point - i truly beleive this has all happened for a reason. I dont know what his plan is - Your post is reminding me that I have to keep moving forward, no matter how hard that is (and its extremly hard). One day Jesus will say to me wipe your tears - here is your son. Everyday is one day closer until that happens. I pray for peace for all the parents who lost their children.

Jun 25, 2012
Still grieving over my son Nick Taylor
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Kimberley
I am sorry for the loss of your son Nick Taylor.
You write such a positive account of your journey through the loss of your son Nick. You also tell so well the pain of the then and the now and how you have moved somewhat from where you were. but by no means will any one of us ever get better.
Your story gives us encouragement and strength to go on even when we don't feel like it.
Every morning I get up I cry and very much aware of the last 2 months when I lost Steve. I am still searching. I can't remember a lot. I am still numb. I am frozen with grief. I want to touch Steve's back when I massaged him. I want to touch his feet I massaged to bring him relief. I want to touch his face I caressed when I washed him. I want to watch him brush his teeth. I want him back. Oh how it hurts today. The day I make a new Will.
When you said you were angry with your husband and didn't know why? Steve was angry with me often his caregiver. Which was against Steve's normal nature before cancer. He was a saint. I used to just go out of the room and cry. I felt so unloved and alone. But I came back swallowed hard and got on with the duty of care for him. God would be happy with me for overcoming and sticking with it and not letting him down or Steve. This gives me strength to go on. No time for regrets because we all have some. I write my regrets in sand. I write my strengths in stone so I don't forget I do have some.
You talk of your faith being stronger. My Faith is in Limbo right now trying to make sense of what has happened and how I go on without Steve. My Faith was shattered more than it has ever been. But now is not the time to remember what God has brought me through in the past. I have to get through the now. Today. God has to hold my ~Faith till I can work through my anger.
It is hard watching the football without Steve. This was his game. He loved watching Tennis. I didn't understand the game but he did. I have to watch it for him because he is not here. This hurts. Eating without him hurts. Going to sleep at night knowing he is not there hurts. What a loss of a great Guy to me, us as a family and to the world. The world was a better place for Steve being in it. I guess all of you who have lost a loved one feel the same way. Let us go on to Love and Live Well for the ones we have lost.
Best wishes to everyone as we continue to post and support and encourage others on their grief journey. Peace and Love to everyone

Jun 24, 2012
Still Grieving
by: Anonymous

Dear Kimberly,

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious son, Nick. You have written your feelings in such a way that I can almost reach out and touch them. Anger is a secondary emotion to pain and we often displace our blame on those who are nearest and dearest. It is hard for parents to survive a death like your son's. It's so evil and horrific. But you have survived and you are finding a new place to be. I shattered into a zillion bits too after my son died by suicide several years ago. The old me was gone, dead.I looked dead, acted dead, felt dead. I didn't cook either. It is strange as we look back, but somehow, almost against our will, we are maintained. Our broken hearts still beat and our lungs still fill with air. It has to be our Creator, our source of life.
It took time to realize that God was ever so slowly putting me back together in a new way. I have the before me and the after me. The after me is learning to be much deeply in love with the One who never lets go, no matter what. God lost his only son. He knows the pain and I trust him to guide my growth. No, we never forget our child. Mine is tucked deep in my heart and I, too, look forward to seeing him again, all new and smiling. No more pain or suffering!
Save your letters to your son. You never know. Those could be shared with others. May you be blessed in many ways each day. Gracie

Jun 23, 2012
still grieving over my son Nick Taylor
by: Anonymous

Dear Kimberley Anne,
I am sorry for the loss of your son. You are right. No one can tell you how and when to grieve and for how long. just be where you need to be and forever how long.
Death hurts. The finality of it when our loved one won't return. As you say it is so true. We only exist and we have no choice but to stay here and exist or live until we can salvage enough strength to go on and try to move forward.
God is personal to each experience. But in much grief one can feel ANGRY with God. God is our rescuer. He didn't cause our pain. But it is O.K. if we can't reach him or feel like talking to him when we are in pain. You post tells me you are in a healthier place with your grief. This gives Hope to us struggling with grief. Wanting it to go quickly. I wish for your better days ahead. Peace and Love to keep you always in tune with God in how you percieive him to be in your grief journey. May God comfort you and everyone suffering a loss at this time.

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