Still Hard to Cope
Well, here I am again. It's been almost 3 months and I realize a few things going across this road from the loss of my love Chuck to just being alone. I started keeping a journal and write in it everyday. Sometimes I write to him, pouring my heart out to him, hoping my words will somehow reach him. I tell him of my day and when I pray I ask God to tell him that I love and miss him so much.
Going through his things last night I found about ten cards he had bought for me but never given me. They are for my birthday in a few days, Christmas, Valentines and our Anniversary. I read the words to each one and cried my heart out. He had bought them when he still had the capacity to do so but had not signed them yet. He had since become unable to write and I knew he'd never be able to sign and give me anymore cards with his loving sentiments. That's hard to take. All through his illness I mourned the loss of so many things we would never be able to do again as a couple.
There are days that I tell myself that there's no sense crying because the tears and begging for him won't bring him back. This is permanent loss. There is "no more" and it hurts like hell.
One thing I see here on this site is there are so many people suffering the loss of a loved one, so I am not unique. I pray that you all will find peace. And as I write this I know God did the right thing in taking him because he was suffering and as much as I selfishly want him back I know deep down I'd not want him to be back and suffering as he was. I love him too much. Yes, I use the present tense because death does not take the love you feel with it.