Still Hard to Cope

Well, here I am again. It's been almost 3 months and I realize a few things going across this road from the loss of my love Chuck to just being alone. I started keeping a journal and write in it everyday. Sometimes I write to him, pouring my heart out to him, hoping my words will somehow reach him. I tell him of my day and when I pray I ask God to tell him that I love and miss him so much.

Going through his things last night I found about ten cards he had bought for me but never given me. They are for my birthday in a few days, Christmas, Valentines and our Anniversary. I read the words to each one and cried my heart out. He had bought them when he still had the capacity to do so but had not signed them yet. He had since become unable to write and I knew he'd never be able to sign and give me anymore cards with his loving sentiments. That's hard to take. All through his illness I mourned the loss of so many things we would never be able to do again as a couple.

There are days that I tell myself that there's no sense crying because the tears and begging for him won't bring him back. This is permanent loss. There is "no more" and it hurts like hell.

One thing I see here on this site is there are so many people suffering the loss of a loved one, so I am not unique. I pray that you all will find peace. And as I write this I know God did the right thing in taking him because he was suffering and as much as I selfishly want him back I know deep down I'd not want him to be back and suffering as he was. I love him too much. Yes, I use the present tense because death does not take the love you feel with it.

Comments for Still Hard to Cope

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Dec 03, 2010
Coping
by: Zoe

It has not been very long for you. There is a point in the beginning where we have a level of numbness, it is probably the only thing that keeps us in some set of a right mind, the numbness goes and a new wave comes.

This is not a matter of accepting, at least to me. I refuse to accept this, I did not want John to die, I will never accept this. What you do is adjust, this is a life we did not ask for. We more than anyone know that no amount of planning or hoping or praying or loving, can keep things from going very horribly askew.

You said you have read here, then you know, we hold on to one thing, one breath, one step, one day at a time. There is no more than that in the beginning, after a while the grief starts to change, but still there are many days when that is what you hang onto.

Writing is good, this site helps, more than even I believed it would. First you write about your pain, you read about others, sometimes you cannot read what someone writes, then you find yourself writing to offer comfort to those of us on this ship.

Come back as often as you need to, we are always here, we will always listen, and we will understand.

zoe

Dec 03, 2010
Yes that kinda Love...
by:

As hubbys caretaker for a year and a few months before His death I would almost smother him with worry. He deserved to be a man, though not in the full capacity that he was. When the
Dr.s asked if he was depressed I would pipe in and answer for him that it was just the brain injury (Aneurysm/stroke) that made him so weepy.

I too wanted him in any form or capacity. Not sure if this was selfish, or just a way to bury my head in the sand as an ostrich. Not allowing myself to think of his possible misery, The fact that I could not protect him from the one thing that he was scared of happening (a stroke).

It is now that I think of such things and torture myself. The fact that I just wanted him old Paul or New Paul, as long as he was with me...

How awful of me to behave that way. But, It is normal to want the ones that we love healthy and happy. If it were not for hope I do not think we would have been able to deal with the illness long term without losing our mind.

It Never occurred to me that he might be different after brain surgery. I have always been optimistic even with the trauma that we went through.

Just don't beat yourself up over what you did or didn't do. Yes, I am sure that they would not want to "suffer", but we feel that we will evermore.

We Loved them with all our heart and they us. In the end we were damn lucky to have that kind of Love. Though it is very hard to realize it now.
Take Care...
HH

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