still having trouble moving on
My mom passed away from lung cancer on April 4th 2012. It was also her and my step dads anniversary. I woke up early that morning with a really ominous feeling, I knew something was wrong. As I got dressed I heard my mom call my step fathers name. He was still asleep so I went downstairs and saw the most horrific scene I have ever and probably ever will see. My mom battled lung cancer for 2 years and that pure evil disease finally won that morning but not in the way we thought she would die. She was in her chair with blood spewing out of her mouth. I ran over to her yelling her name I'm sure she heard me but in seconds she was gone leaving me right in front of her with her blood all over me. Apparently the tumor reached a main artery and crushed it. The doctors said it was a relatively paid free way to go. It brings me a little relief knowing that but it still messed me up. I just can't seem to get over it. I've been severely depressed and since I have avoidance personality disorder I can't bring myself to talk to my other family members about it. It's made me question so many things about life and god how could a just and righteous god allow people to suffer through a horrible disease like cancer. It's just hard to get motivated to live my life with millions of questions like that swirling around in my head .I still feel the emotional trauma I suffered every hour of every day and it sucks.