still having trouble moving on

by andrew

My mom passed away from lung cancer on April 4th 2012. It was also her and my step dads anniversary. I woke up early that morning with a really ominous feeling, I knew something was wrong. As I got dressed I heard my mom call my step fathers name. He was still asleep so I went downstairs and saw the most horrific scene I have ever and probably ever will see. My mom battled lung cancer for 2 years and that pure evil disease finally won that morning but not in the way we thought she would die. She was in her chair with blood spewing out of her mouth. I ran over to her yelling her name I'm sure she heard me but in seconds she was gone leaving me right in front of her with her blood all over me. Apparently the tumor reached a main artery and crushed it. The doctors said it was a relatively paid free way to go. It brings me a little relief knowing that but it still messed me up. I just can't seem to get over it. I've been severely depressed and since I have avoidance personality disorder I can't bring myself to talk to my other family members about it. It's made me question so many things about life and god how could a just and righteous god allow people to suffer through a horrible disease like cancer. It's just hard to get motivated to live my life with millions of questions like that swirling around in my head .I still feel the emotional trauma I suffered every hour of every day and it sucks.

Comments for still having trouble moving on

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Aug 21, 2013
still having trouble
by: Nadine

Andrew, I also lost my mom to lung cancer. She died Valentine's Day, 1995. I became severely depressed afterward, as other things seemed to compound her death. I was very close to her and missed her deeply. I hope you are not alone in your grief. I found great comfort when i met my husband in 1997. He has helped me overcome losing my mom and my son. As for why God allows suffering in the world, i wish i had an answer. The thing that helps me is reading about Job in the Bible. He suffered the loss of everything including his health. Yet God called him his servant and said there was no one like him on earth. So He had his eye on him the whole time (as He does all of us). It also mentions Satan was the one who caused his misfortunes and that he had to have permission from God beforehand. I recommend reading the book of Job. There is so much we as mortals can never understand about God this side of heaven. Anyway, i hope this may have helped you some. God bless you and keep you in His care.

Aug 20, 2013
Hope this Helps
by: Judith in California

Andrew, please get yourself to a good therapist who deals with post traumatic stress disorder. Seeing you loved one oass like you did will leave you with o many feelings and you need help with sortng it out. I too suffer from tat after seeing my husband on hte floor after he fell . I came home form work and he had been on the floor for 4 hours and then he eneded up not doing so well after that and becsme disabled. I then cared for im for 3 !/2 years and I watched as he took his last breath. I thought I was strong enough to do it all but when he passed I was in shock from the experience. I have seen a therapist for 3 years now it helps but the images still remain. I just cope better with them now by remining my self that those things were ot of my control and none of it as my fault and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it from happening. Some folks like to think they were in control but only God is. WE have to trust He knows best.

Aug 20, 2013
by: betty music fain

The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee,and give the peace. ''nunmbers6:26''Dear I understand how you feel for I too lost my sister as well,it took every thing in me to come back and even today it breaks my heart but with time and God i have healed.she was murdered by her so called friends they sit her on fire in 2012. and i have even for give them as will for i know if i don't i would put my self in prison and i know my sister would not want me to do that,thats what kind of person she was! I'm better but i still feel the pain and i live and walk one day at a time with my family plzz dont put a wall around you your ppl love you! their there for you,and if you get time and to if you can find it here on this side it call''GOD -HEARS-OUR-CRY''AND ''PURPOPSE-AND-MEANIMG'' I think it might help God bless you betty!

Aug 20, 2013
It does suck
by: John Pitts

Andrew, it sucks terribly. Your Moms last memory must have been seeing you, that part should bring you some peace at some point. I lost the love of my life on May 2 of 2012. And I'm not able to move on either. I'm guilty feeling for having fun when I do, and it's unbearable. They say God only gives us what we can handle, and not anymore, Please keep saying to yourself, Trust in God. In his plan was you finding her as she faded away. No one else, there was a reason for this, Trust in God. He had a reason for you her sake, and for you to be the one to see this happening. It's in His Plan. Trust in God. I'm having a hard time to, but I know God has a plan for you and for me. Remember your Mom, not the blood coming from her as she passed over, Trust in God. A lesson for both of us...

Aug 20, 2013
still having trouble moving on
by: Doreen U.K.

Andrew I am sorry for your loss of your mom to a dreadful disease of lung cancer. Lung cancer is one of the cancer's difficult to diagnose until it is almost too late. It is the silent killer.
My husband worked with ASBESTOS in his 20's not knowing this was a dangerous substance. Its fibres lodge in the lung and a tumour starts growing for between 40-60yrs. My husband was unfortunate to be diagnosed in 2009 with this lung cancer which was inoperable, incurable, and aggressive. He died a slow painful death. The suffering from this type of ingested material is a horrible cancer to die from. My husband was always worried about gasping for air and not being able to breathe. Thank God he didn't come to this stage. After caring for him for 3yrs.39days he died 15 months ago. It has been a painful and sorrowful cancer journey and now having to restructure my life now in my mid 60's is not easy.
I was angry with God because my husband did not get a Healing from Prayer. But I soon got over my anger and realised God creates us. He is not the creator of disease. Sin is. Blame Adam and Eve for being disobedient to God and causing this whole death experience due to their sin. But God did not leave it there. He sent his Son Jesus to die for us to Save us from Sin. God has to now let this world run its course giving his creation the Choice to Accept his sacrifice and life and to live for him where we will have the chance to go to heaven when Jesus comes back and have eternal life seeing our loved one's again. This is what gives me the Hope to go on living each day, otherwise I wouldn't see the point in living without this Hope and opportunity of Living again and this time ETERNAL LIFE. Which means in a perfect world to never die again. God has to let the world run its course and then he will deal with Satan and all Evil will be destroyed FOREVER.
This is my beliefs and my Hope. I share it to give other's Comfort and Hope to go on living with grief. Otherwise we would be miserable forever. Moving on takes time and patience. Take just one day at a time and live the best you can. Don't have high expectations otherwise this will just add stress to your life. Your mom is not suffering anymore. My husband is not suffering. This is what is important. We now have to deal with our suffering which is harder because often emotional and mental suffering is harder and more difficult to cope with. There is no medication for this. It is UNBEARABLE PAIN. We have to find a way through this so that we can live again. It is a hard long road and journey but if you have people who can listen and share your pain it makes life easier. I wish you Peace in your sorrow and Comfort in your grief.

Aug 20, 2013
I gets better
by: Anonymous

It is horrible, what you have been through, but just know that it gets better, by saying that to yourself it actually makes it happen, time going by and grieving will let it pass, and it does get better.

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